STOP SNIFFING YOUR FINGERS! Media Spoofs

2006-10-30T08:03:00.000-08:00

American and Canadian Stock Markets Branch Out!

UNITED STATES OF COMEDY!

No longer satisfied with simply having been the potential for the future of human culture and in no way happy to become complacent, American and Canadian Investment Markets have decided to branch out into show business.

They have done so in a most unexpected way, though finding acceptability "across the board" in all areas of modern society with the implementations of new standards seemingly to purposefully "push the envelope" of established and promoted standards.. and further to be an un-ending source of comedy material for the struggling comedy industry.

It can no longer be said that most of the "Blue Chips" have no interest in the average guy and developing society with this unprecedented social, economic and political move.

When asked how it is that they manage such a drastic change, one of the more popular corporate heads responded; "It really isn't that difficult, we simply review the established legal and social standards which we widely promote, and then do something entirely different... with of course, the end result being something which will supposedly benefit our immediate endeavors."

It is unanimous throughout all areas of the modern business world, that this is truly another stroke of genius from some of the greatest minds that have ever existed!

It is now readily observable that the United States and Modern Communications Technology must have been made for comedians!

Following are some wonderful means for the development of material in the comedy and entertainment world, especially in regard to modern markets;

A few articles of interest;

Corporate Governance - Investor relations Of A Popular Tech Company;

It is the paramount duty of the Board of Directors to oversee the CEO and other senior management in the competent and ethical operation of the Company on a day-to-day basis and to assure that the long-term interests of the shareholders are being served. To satisfy this duty, the directors will take a proactive, focused approach to their position, and set standards to ensure that the Company is committed to business success through maintenance of the highest standards of responsibility and ethics.

Directors bring to the Company a wide range of experience, knowledge and judgment, and bring these skills to bear for the Company. These varied skills mean that good governance depends on far more than a "check the box" approach to standards or procedures. The governance structure in the Company is designed to be a working structure for principled actions, effective decision-making and appropriate monitoring of both compliance and performance.

A***e’s privacy policy covers the collection and use of personal information that may be collected by A***e anytime you interact with A***e, such as when you visit our website, when you purchase A***e products and services, or when you call our sales or support associates. Please take a moment to read the following to learn more about our information practices, including what type of information is gathered, how the information is used and for what purposes, to whom we disclose the information, and how we safeguard your personal information. Your privacy is a priority at A***e, and we go to great lengths to protect it.

Why we collect personal information

Why do we collect your personal information? Because it helps us deliver a superior level of customer service. It enables us to give you convenient access to our products and services and focus on categories of greatest interest to you. In addition, your personal information helps us keep you posted on the latest product announcements, software updates, special offers, and events that you might like to hear about.

If you do not want A***e to keep you up to date with A***e news, software updates and the latest information on products and services click ****************** and update your personal contact information and preferences.

What information we collect

There are a number of situations in which your personal information may help us give you better service. For example, we may ask for your personal information when you’re discussing a service issue on the phone with an associate, downloading a software update, registering for a seminar, participating in an online survey, registering your products, or purchasing a product. At such times, we may collect personal information relevant to the situation, such as your name, mailing address, phone number, email address, and contact preferences; your credit card information and information about the A***e products you own, such as their serial numbers, and date of purchase; and information relating to a support or service issue. We collect information for market research purposes — such as your occupation and where you use your computer — to gain a better understanding of our customers and thus provide more valuable service. We also collect information regarding customer activities on our website, .M**, the iT**** Music Store, and on related websites. This helps us to determine how best to provide useful information to customers and to understand which parts of our websites and Internet services are of most interest to them.

The A***e website, as well as A***e services such as .M** and the iT**** Music Store, allows you to create an “A***e ID” based on your personal information. This convenient service saves you time and allows for easier use of our web services. Here’s how it works: You create a personal profile — providing your name, phone number, email address, and in some cases your mailing address or a credit card number — and choose a password and password hint (such as the month and day of your birth) for security. The system saves your information and assigns you a personal A***e ID — in many cases simply your email address, because it’s unique and easy to remember. The next time you order from the A***e Store or register a new product, all you need to do is enter your A***e ID and password; the system looks up the information it needs to assist you. In addition, if you update the information associated with your A***e ID it will be available for all your transactions with A***e globally.

A***e also enables you to send ‘iC****’, set up allowances on the iT**** Music Store and purchase and send gift certificates and products, to family members, friends or colleagues. To fulfill your request, A***e may require personal information about the person to whom you are sending the product or service such as their name, physical address, email address, etc. The personal information you provide about that person is used only for the purpose for which it is collected. A***e will not use the information collected to market directly to that person.

If you use a bulletin board or chat room on an A***e website you should be aware that any information you share is visible to other users. Personally identifiable information you submit to one of these forums can be read, collected, or used by other individuals to send you unsolicited messages. A***e is not responsible for the personally identifiable information you choose to submit in these forums.

When we disclose your information

A***e takes your privacy very seriously. Be assured that A***e does not sell or rent your contact information to other marketers. To help us provide superior service, your personal information may be shared with legal entities within the A***e group globally who will safeguard it in accordance with A***e’s privacy policy. There are also times when it may be advantageous for A***e to make certain personal information about you available to companies that A***e has a strategic relationship with or that perform work for A***e to provide products and services to you on our behalf. These companies may help us process information, extend credit, fulfill customer orders, deliver products to you, manage and enhance customer data, provide customer service, assess your interest in our products and services, or conduct customer research or satisfaction surveys. These companies are also obligated to protect your personal information in accordance with A***e’s policies. Without such information being made available, it would be difficult for you to purchase products, have products delivered to you, receive customer service, provide us feedback to improve our products and services, or access certain services, offers, and content on the A***e website.

At times we may be required by law or litigation to disclose your personal information. We may also disclose information about you if we determine that for national security, law enforcement, or other issues of public importance, disclosure is necessary.

How we protect your personal information

A***e takes precautions — including administrative, technical, and physical measures — to safeguard your personal information against loss, theft, and misuse, as well as unauthorized access, disclosure, alteration, and destruction.

The A***e Online Store and iT**** Music Store use Secure Sockets Layer (SSL) encryption on all web pages where personal information is required. To make purchases from the A***e Online Store or iT**** Music Store, you must use an SSL-enabled browser such as Safari, Netscape Navigator 3.0 or later, or Internet Explorer. Doing so protects the confidentiality of your personal and credit card information while it’s transmitted over the Internet.

You can help us by also taking precautions to protect your personal data when you are on the Internet. Change your passwords often using a combination of letters and numbers, and make sure you use a secure web browser like Safari.

Integrity of your personal information

A***e has safeguards in place to keep your personal information accurate, complete, and up to date for the purposes for which it is used. Naturally, you always have the right to access and correct the personal information you have provided. You can help us ensure that your contact information and preferences are accurate, complete, and up to date by checking at ******************* And you can request a copy of your personal information, your product registration history, and your interactions with our sales and support agents by contacting us at the email address below.

Cookies and other technologies

As is standard practice on many corporate websites, A***e’s website uses “cookies” and other technologies to help us understand which parts of our websites are the most popular, where our visitors are going, and how much time they spend there. We also use cookies and other technologies to make sure that our online advertising is bringing customers to our products and services, such as iT****. We use cookies and other technologies to study traffic patterns on our website, to make it even more rewarding as well as to study the effectiveness of our customer communications. And we use cookies to customize your experience and provide greater convenience each time you interact with us.

For example, knowing your first name lets us welcome you with a greeting the next time you visit the A***e Store. Information such as your country and language — and if you’re an educator, your school — helps us provide a more useful online shopping experience. And your contact information, product serial numbers, and information about your computer helps us register your products, personalize M** O* X, and set up your Internet Service and .M** accounts and provide you with customer service.

If, however, you prefer not to enable cookies, please go to**************** , which explains step by step how you can disable cookies. Please note that certain features of the A***e website will not be available once cookies are disabled.

As is true of most Web sites, we gather certain information automatically and store it in log files. This information includes internet protocol (IP) addresses, browser type, internet service provider (ISP), referring/exit pages, operating system, date/time stamp, and clickstream data.

We use this information, which does not identify individual users, to analyze trends, to administer the site, to track users’ movements around the site and to gather demographic information about our user base as a whole. A***e will not use the information collected to market directly to that person.

In some of our email messages we use a “click-through URL” linked to content on the A***e website. When a customer clicks one of these URLs, they pass through our web server before arriving at the destination web page. We track this click-through data to help us determine interest in particular topics and measure the effectiveness of our customer communications. If you prefer not to be tracked simply avoid clicking text or graphic links in the email.

In addition we use pixel tags — tiny graphic images — to tell us what parts of our website customers have visited or to measure the effectiveness of searches customers perform on our site.

Pixel tags also enable us to send email messages in a format customers can read. And they tell us whether emails have been opened to assure that we’re only sending messages that are of interest to our customers. We store all of this information in a secure database located in Cupertino, California, in the United States.

Our companywide commitment to your privacy

As we said, A***e takes protecting your privacy very seriously. To make sure your personal information is secure, we communicate these guidelines to A***e employees and strictly enforce privacy safeguards within the company. In addition, A***e supports industry initiatives — such as the Online Privacy Alliance and TRUSTe — to preserve privacy rights on the Internet and in all aspects of electronic commerce. And we do not knowingly solicit personal information from minors or send them requests for personal information.

A***e abides by the safe harbor framework set forth by the U.S. Department of Commerce regarding the collection, use, and retention of personal information collected from the European Union. You’ll find more information about the U.S. Department of Commerce Safe Harbor Program. Note that personal information regarding individuals who reside in the EU is jointly controlled by A***e Computer International in Cork, Ireland, and by A***e Computer Limited in Uxbridge, United Kingdom.

A***e’s website has links to the sites of other companies. A***e is not responsible for their privacy practices. We encourage you to learn about the privacy policies of those companies.

Privacy questions

If you have questions or concerns about A***e’s Customer Privacy Policy or data processing, please use the appropriate regional email addresses (see list below) to contact us. The A***e Data Controller in your region will respond to your inquiry within 30 days.

Country or Region:	Contact Information:
United States	privacy@********
Canada	privacy-ca@********
Latin America	privacy-la@**********
Europe	Privacyeurop@*********
Japan	privacy-japan@********
Australia	privacy@**********
Asia/Pacific	Privacy@********

If you do not want A***e to keep you up to date with A***e news, software updates and the latest information on products and services click ***********and update your personal contact information and preferences. Naturally, if you notify us that you do not want us to use your information for a particular purpose, we will not do so.

A***e may update its privacy policy from time to time. When we change the policy in a material way a notice will be posted on our website along with the updated privacy policy.

A***e Computer, 1 In*****te L*****p, ***0-DR, Cu*****no, Cali*****, USA, 9******

Last updated December 23, 2004

A***e is a licensee of the TRUSTe Privacy Program. TRUSTe is an independent, nonprofit organization whose mission is to build users’ trust and confidence in the Internet by promoting the use of fair information practices. Because A***e wants to demonstrate our commitment to your privacy, we have agreed to disclose our information privacy practices for compliance review by TRUSTe.

The TRUSTe trustmark reflects our promise to tell you what personal information we collect; the types of companies we may share your information with; the choices available to you regarding the collection, use, and distribution of the information; the security procedures in place to protect the loss or misuse of information under our control; and how you can correct inaccuracies in the information. The TRUSTe program covers only information that is collected through this Web site, and does not cover information that may be collected through software downloaded from the site.

If you have questions or concerns about A***e’s collection, use, or disclosure of your personal information, please email us at privacy@********. If A***e doesn’t respond or your inquiry hasn’t been addressed to your satisfaction, please visit the TRUSTe website for contact information. This certification applies to all sites under the apple.com domain.

Another Popular Blue Chip Tech Company;

Investor Relations;

Message from our Chairman

At M****oft, success comes from our passion for creating value—value for customers, shareholders, and partners; value for our employees and the communities around the world where we do business. Underlying our success is an approach to corporate governance that extends beyond simple compliance with legal requirements. I believe that corporate governance must provide a framework for establishing a culture of business integrity, accountability, and responsible business practices.

Strong corporate governance at M****oft starts with a Board of Directors that is independent, engaged, committed, and effective. Our Board establishes, maintains, and monitors standards and policies for ethics, business practices, and compliance that span the company. Working with management, we set strategic business objectives, ensure that M****oft has leadership that is dynamic and responsive, track performance, and institute strong financial controls. We believe in strengthening investor confidence and creating long-term shareholder value so we can continue to deliver technology innovations that provide opportunities for customers and for M****oft.

W**** *. ******
Chairman of the Board

Corporate Governance at M****oft Corporation

Corporate governance at M****oft serves several purposes:

•	To establish and preserve management accountability to M**oft's owners by appropriately distributing rights and responsibilities among M**oft Board members, managers, and shareholders.
•	To provide a structure through which management and the Board set and attain objectives and monitor performance.
•	To strengthen and safeguard our culture of business integrity and responsible business practices.
•	To encourage the efficient use of resources, and to require accountability for our stewardship of those resources.

Role of the Board of Directors

Shareholders elect the Board of Directors to oversee management and to assure that shareholder long-term interests are served. Through oversight, review, and counsel, the Board of Directors establishes and promotes M****oft's business and organizational objectives. The Board oversees the company's business affairs and integrity, works with management to determine the company's mission and long-term strategy, performs the annual CEO evaluation, oversees CEO succession planning, establishes internal controls over financial reporting, and assesses company risks and strategies for risk mitigation.

Board Committees

The Board has five committees: an Antitrust Compliance Committee, an Audit Committee, a Compensation Committee, a Governance and Nominating Committee, and a Finance Committee. Each committee is led by, and is composed solely of, independent directors. Each committee is responsible for the review and oversight of company activities in the areas designated in its charter.

Corporate Governance Guidelines

Over the course of M****oft's history, the Board of Directors has developed corporate governance policies and practices to help it fulfill its responsibilities. These policies are memorialized in the Corporate Governance Guidelines, to assure that the Board has the necessary authority and practices in place to review and evaluate the Company's business operations and to make decisions that are independent of the company's management. The Board routinely reviews evolving practices to determine those that will best serve the interests of our shareholders, and most recently modified on August 23, 2006. The guidelines are subject to future refinement or changes, as the Board finds necessary to achieve these objectives.

M****oft Online Privacy Notice Highlights

(last updated January 2006)

Scope

This notice provides highlights… M****oft Online Privacy Statement. This notice and the full privacy statement apply to those M****oft websites and services that display or link to this notice.

Personal Information;

When you register for certain M****oft services, we will ask you to provide personal information.
The information we collect may be combined with information obtained from other M****oft services and other companies.
We use cookies and other technologies to keep track of your interactions with our sites and services to offer a personalized experience.

Your Choices

You can stop the delivery of promotional e-mail from a M****oft site or service by following the instructions in the e-mail you receive.
To make proactive choices about how we communicate with you, follow the instructions listed in the *********** of the full privacy statement.
To view and edit your personal information, go to ********* of the full privacy statement.

Uses of Information

We use the information we collect to provide the services you request. Our services may include the display of personalized content and advertising.
We use your information to inform you of other products or services offered by M****oft and its affiliates, and to send you relevant survey invitations related to M****oft services.
We do not sell, rent, or lease our customer lists to third parties. In order to help provide our services, we occasionally provide information to other companies that work on our behalf.

Important Information

The full **************contains links to supplementary information about specific M****oft sites or services.
The sign in credentials (e-mail address and password) used to sign in to most M****oft sites and services are part of the ******************
For more information on how to help protect your personal computer, your personal information and your family online, ****************

How to Contact Us

For more information about our privacy practices, go to the full *************Or write us using our *************

M****oft is a TRUSTe licensee and you may ************if a privacy question is not properly addressed.

M****oft Privacy

M****oft Corporation
One M****oft Way
Redmond, WA 98052

These alone are truly wonderful examples of the never ending source for material in the Tech world alone, currently. Then of course in a close "second" is the hospitality industry.. with the international interests proudly leading the way!

Comedians should be paying THEM!

Not to be left out as stated, here is an example from a popular hospitality corporation;

H***on Hotels Corporation

Code of Business Conduct and Ethics

I. Introduction

The Board of Directors of H***on Hotels Corporation (with its subsidiaries, the

“Company”) has adopted this code of business conduct and ethics (this “Code”) to:

• promote honest and ethical conduct, including fair dealing and the ethical handling

of conflicts of interest;

• promote full, fair, accurate, timely and understandable disclosure;

• promote compliance with applicable laws and governmental rules and regulations;

• promote prompt internal reporting of violations of this Code;

• ensure the protection of the Company’s legitimate business interests, including

corporate opportunities, assets and confidential information; and

• deter wrongdoing.

All directors, officers and employees of the Company are expected to be familiar with

the Code and to adhere to those principles and procedures set forth in the Code that apply to them. The Company’s more detailed policies and procedures set forth in the H***on Hotels Corporation Code of Conduct are separate requirements applying to officers and employees of the Company and are not part of this Code.

II. Honest and Candid Conduct

Each director, officer and employee owes a duty to the Company to act with integrity.

Integrity requires, among other things, being honest and candid. Deceit and subordination of principle are inconsistent with integrity.

Each director, officer and employee must:

• Act with integrity, including being honest and candid while still maintaining the

confidentiality of information where required or consistent with the Company’s

policies.

• Observe both the form and spirit of laws and governmental rules and regulations,

accounting standards and Company policies.

• Adhere to a high standard of business ethics.

III. Conflicts of Interest

A “conflict of interest” occurs when an individual’s private interest interferes or appears

to interfere with the interests of the Company. A conflict of interest can arise when a director,{00047910.DOC; 1} officer or employee takes actions or has interests that may make it difficult to perform his or her Company work objectively and effectively. For example, a conflict of interest would arise if a director, officer or employee, or a member or his or her family, receives improper personal benefits as a result of his or her position in the Company. Any material transaction or relationship that could reasonably be expected to give rise to a conflict of interest should be discussed with the General Counsel, except with respect to the Chief Executive Officer, in which case it should be discussed with the chair of the Audit Committee. Service to the Company should never be subordinated to personal gain and advantage.

Conflicsts of interest should, whenever possible, be avoided.

In particular, clear conflict of interest situations involving executive officers and other

employees who occupy supervisory positions or who have discretionary authority in dealing with any third party specified below may include the following:

• any significant ownership interest in any supplier, customer or client;

• any consulting or employment relationship with any customer, client, supplier or

competitor;

• any outside business activity that detracts from an individual’s ability to devote

appropriate time and attention to his or her responsibilities with the Company;

• the receipt of non-nominal gifts or excessive entertainment from any company with

which the Company has current or prospective business dealings;

• being in the position of supervising, reviewing or having any influence on the job

evaluation, pay or benefit of any immediate family member; and

• selling anything to the Company or buying anything from the Company, except on

the same terms and conditions as comparable directors, officers or employees are

permitted to so purchase or sell.

Such situations, if material, should always be discussed with the General Counsel.

Anything that would present a conflict for a director, officer or employee would likely

also present a conflict if it is related to a member of his or her family.

IV. Disclosure

Each director, officer or employee involved in the Company’s disclosure process,

including the chief executive officer, the chief financial officer, the chief accounting officer and the controller (the “Senior Financial Officers”), is required to be familiar with and comply with the Company's disclosure controls and procedures and internal control over financial reporting, to the extent relevant to his or her area of responsibility, so that the Company's public reports and documents filed with the Securities and Exchange Commission (the “SEC”) comply in all material respects with the applicable federal securities laws and SEC rules. In addition, each such person having direct or supervisory authority regarding these SEC filings or the Company's other public communications concerning its general business, results, financial condition and prospects should, to the extent appropriate within his or her area of responsibility, consult with other

{00047910.DOC; 1}

Company officers and employees and take other appropriate steps regarding these disclosureswith the goal of making full, fair, accurate, timely and understandable disclosure.

Each director, officer or employee who is involved in the Company’s disclosure process,

including without limitation the Senior Financial Officers, must:

• Familiarize himself or herself with the disclosure requirements applicable to the

Company, as well as the business and financial operations of the Company.

• Not knowingly misrepresent, or cause others to misrepresent, facts about the

Company to others, whether within or outside the Company, including to the

Company’s independent auditors, governmental regulators and self-regulatory

organizations.

• Properly review and critically analyze proposed disclosure for accuracy and

completeness (or, where appropriate, delegate this task to others).

V. Compliance

It is the Company’s policy to comply with all applicable laws and governmental rules and

regulations. It is the personal responsibility of each director, officer and employee to adhere to the standards and restrictions imposed by those laws, rules and regulations, including those relating to accounting and auditing matters.

It is against Company policy and a violation of federal securities laws for a director,

officer or employee to trade in securities on the basis of material information not yet publicly disclosed. Any director, officer or employee who possesses nonpublic information about the Company or its business which is material in nature may not trade in any securities affected by such nonpublic information, including the Company's securities, until such time as the information has been made known to the public. A material fact about a company is one that a reasonable investor would be likely to consider important in making a decision to buy, sell or hold the securities of such company.

Any director, officer or employee who is uncertain about the legal rules involving a

purchase or sale of any Company securities or any securities in companies that he or she is familiar with by virtue of his or her work for the Company, should consult the General Counsel before making any such purchase or sale.

VI. Reporting and Accountability

The Corporate Governance and Nominating Committee is responsible for applying this

Code to specific situations in which questions are presented to it and has the authority to interpret this Code in any particular situation. Any director, officer or employee who becomes aware of any existing or potential violation of this Code is required to notify the General Counsel promptly. Failure to do so is itself a violation of this Code.

{00047910.DOC; 1}

Any questions relating to how this Code should be interpreted or applied should be

addressed to the General Counsel. A director, officer or employee who is unsure of whether a situation violates this Code should discuss the situation with the General Counsel to prevent possible misunderstandings and embarrassment at a later date.

Each director, officer or employee must:

• Notify the General Counsel promptly of any existing or potential violation of this

Code.

• Not retaliate against any other director, officer or employee for reports of potential

violations that are made in good faith.

The Corporate Governance and Nominating Committee shall take all action it considers

appropriate to investigate any violations reported to it. If a violation has occurred, the Company will take such disciplinary or preventive action as it deems appropriate, after consultation with the Corporate Governance and Nominating Committee in the case of a director or executive officer, or the General Counsel in the case of any other employee.

The Company will follow the following procedures in investigating and enforcing this

Code, and in reporting on the Code:

• Violations regarding directors and executive officers will be reported by the General

Counsel to the Corporate Governance and Nominating Committee after appropriate

investigation.

• The Corporate Governance and Nominating Committee will take all appropriate

action to investigate any violations reported to it after appropriate investigation.

• If the Corporate Governance and Nominating Committee determines that a violation

has occurred, it will inform the Board of Directors.

• Upon being notified that a violation has occurred, the Board of Directors will take

such disciplinary or preventive action as it deems appropriate, up to and including

dismissal or, in the event of criminal or other serious violations of law, notification

of the SEC or other appropriate law enforcement authorities.

VII. Corporate Opportunities

Directors, officers and employees owe a duty to the Company to advance the Company’s

business interests when the opportunity to do so arises. Directors, officers and employees are prohibited from taking (or directing to a third party) a business opportunity that is discovered through the use of corporate property, information or position, unless the Company has already been offered the opportunity and turned it down. More generally, directors, officers and employees are prohibited from using corporate property, information or position for personal gain and from competing with the Company.

{00047910.DOC; 1}

Sometimes the line between personal and Company benefits is difficult to draw, and

sometimes there are both personal and Company benefits in certain activities. Directors, officers and employees who intend to make use of Company property or services in a manner not solely for the benefit of the Company should consult beforehand with the General Counsel.

VIII. Confidentiality

In carrying out the Company’s business, directors, officers and employees often learn

confidential or proprietary information about the Company, its customers, clients, suppliers, or joint venture parties. Directors, officers and employees must maintain the confidentiality of all information so entrusted to them, except when disclosure is authorized or legally mandated.

Confidential or proprietary information of the Company, and of other companies, includes any nonpublic information that would be harmful to the relevant company or useful or helpful to competitors if disclosed.

IX. Fair Dealing

We have a history of succeeding through honest business competition. We do not seek

competitive advantages through illegal or unethical business practices. Each director, officer and employee should endeavor to deal fairly with the Company’s customers, clients, service providers, suppliers, competitors and employees. No director, officer or employee should take unfair advantage of anyone through manipulation, concealment, abuse of privileged information, misrepresentation of material facts, or any unfair dealing practice.

X. Protection and Proper Use of Company Assets

All directors, officers and employees should protect the Company’s assets and ensure

their efficient use. All Company assets should be used only for legitimate business purposes.

XI. Amendment, Modification and Waiver

This Code may be amended, modified or waived by the Board of Directors and waivers also may be granted by the Corporate Governance and Nominating Committee, subject to the disclosure and other provisions of the Securities Exchange Act of 1934, and the rules thereunder, and the applicable rules of the New York Stock Exchange (“NYSE”). Any changes to or waivers of this Code will, to the extent required, be promptly disclosed as provided by SEC or NYSE rules.

In the last two paragraphs alone, is a wealth of potential material that should be the envy of any comedian, anywhere.

The entertainment industry should most definitely be paying these corporate entities… maybe even on a “word to word” basis.

Then I suppose in the interest of the long standing competition, the Unions were in no way going to be left behind;

UNITE H**E Privacy Notice

UNITE H**E has created this privacy notice to explain how we use information that you may provide while visiting our website and to demonstrate our firm commitment to Internet privacy. UNITE H**E may modify this policy from time to time so we encourage you to check this page when revisiting this website.

The following discloses our information gathering and dissemination practices for this website. The type and amount of information received depends on how you use the site.

Website Usage/Information Collection

When you visit the UNITE H**E website, we automatically obtain information from you about the name of your Internet service provider, the browser and type of computer you are using, the website that referred you to us, the pages you request and the date and time of those requests. We use this information on an aggregate basis to generate statistics and measure site activity to improve the usefulness of the site to our visitors. For example, we use this information to track which pages are most popular among visitors as a whole. We do not track the pages you or any individual visitor may look at during a visit to our site and we do not collect any other information without your knowledge and permission. We do not collect or store personally identifiable information, such as your name, mailing address, e-mail address or phone number, unless you provide that information.

Collection of Personally Identifiable Information

UNITE H**E provides web forms so you may provide your contact information to engage in UNITE H**E activities such as online activism (i.e., contact Congress) or to correspond with UNITE H**E. Any information we collect, such as your name, mailing address, e-mail address, type of request you are making, and any additional information you provide, is collected and stored by UNITE H**E. The information is used to fulfill your request and track aggregate information about usage of these features. UNITE H**E makes every effort to ensure the secure collection and transmission of your sensitive information using industry accepted data collection and encryption methodologies, such as SSL (Secure Sockets Layer).

UNITE H**E's Sharing of Personally Identifiable Information

UNITE H**E may share personal information with other labor organizations if we believe you would be interested in receiving communications from these organizations, for example, your Local Union.

We also provide personal information to third parties on a completely confidential basis to enable a third party to perform certain tasks, such as maintain a membership database or send email alerts and/or newsletters, on our behalf. These third party providers are committed to protecting the privacy of our members and subscribers, and will not utilize your information for any other purpose but to provide the services which we contract for.

UNITE H**E website will not post your personal contact information, including e-mail address, street address and phone numbers, without your consent. Without such consent, website staff will withhold posting personal contact information for that individual.

Cookies

A cookie is a piece of data stored on the user's hard drive containing information about the user. The UNITE H**E website uses a cookie for measuring aggregate web statistics, including number of monthly visitors, number of repeat visitors, most popular webpages and other information. UNITE H**E will also use cookies to facilitate your online visit by maintaining data that you provide for online activism activities so that you will not need to resubmit certain information. UNITE H**E does not use cookies to track what specific pages an individual site visitor views.

Opting Out of E-mail Lists

People who subscribe to e-mail lists via the website will receive periodic updates from UNITE H**E by regular mail, fax or e-mail. You may opt out of receiving future information via e-mail by using the unsubscribe procedure specified on the e-mail.

Outside Links

This site contains hypertext links to other sites. UNITE H**E is not responsible for the privacy practices or the content of such websites. We encourage our users to be aware when they leave our site, and to read the privacy statements of each and every website that collects personally identifiable information. This privacy statement applies solely to information collected by this website.

Security

This site has security measures in place to protect the loss, misuse and alteration of the information under our control. We use Secure Socket Layer (SSL) encryption to protect the transmission of information you submit to us when you use our secure online forms. You are on a secure page when the lock icon on the bottom of Web browsers such as Netscape Navigator and Microsoft Internet Explorer become locked, as opposed to un-locked, or open, when you are just "surfing."

If you send us an e-mail, you should know that e-mail is not necessarily secure against interception. So, if your communication includes sensitive information like your bank account, charge card, or social security number, and you prefer not to use one of our secure online forms, contact us by mail or by telephone rather than by e-mail.

Corrections/Updating Personal Information

If your personal information changes (such as your ZIP code), or if you wish to have your information removed from our database, contact us and we will endeavor to provide a way to correct, update or remove that personal data provided to us.

Contact Us

If you experience technical problems with the operation of this web site, contact us by e-mailing: *********

www.*******.org
Web Editor
UNITE H**E International Un**n
***** ***th Street, N.W.
Washington, D.C. ******
Phone: ************

You also may contact us by mail or telephone. If you do so, we may use the information you provide in the ways we have described in this privacy policy.

Yet Another Source Of Material;

A***ME respects and is committed to protecting your privacy. That is why we have adopted this Privacy Policy to let you know how your personal information is processed and used. We promise that we will take steps to use your personal information only in ways that are compatible with this Privacy Policy. The following policies are only in effect for the Web pages and e-mail lists owned and operated by A***ME.

What information are you collecting and how are you collecting it?

Every computer connected to the Internet is given a domain name and a set of numbers, that serve as that computer's "Internet Protocol" IP address. When a visitor requests a page from any Web site within the A***ME Network, our Web servers automatically recognize that visitor's domain name and IP address. The domain name and IP address reveal nothing personal about you other than the IP address from which you have accessed our site. We use this information to examine our traffic in aggregate, and to investigate misuse of the A***ME Network, its users, or to cooperate with law enforcement. See also Will you disclose the information you collect to outside third parties? We do not collect and evaluate this information for specific individuals. Our Web servers do not automatically record e-mail addresses of the visitors.

What are cookies?

From time to time, A***ME may send a "cookie" to your computer. A cookie is a small piece of data that is sent to your Internet browser from a Web server and stored on your computer's hard drive. A cookie can't read data off of your computer hard disk or read cookie files created by other Web sites. Cookies do not damage your system. We use cookies to identify which areas of A***ME's Network you have visited or customized, so the next time you visit, those pages may be readily accessible. You can choose whether to accept cookies by changing the settings of your Internet browser. You can reset your browser to refuse all cookies, or allow your browser to show you when a cookie is being sent. If you choose not to accept these cookies, your experience at our Site and other Web sites may be diminished and some features may not work as intended.

What information do you request?

We may request your e-mail address or mailing address for the purposes of conducting a survey or to provide additional services (for example, subscriptions to e-mail newsletters, announcement lists or information about conferences). You are able to opt out of receiving future information via e-mail by using the unsubscribe option provided in every e-mail message. Whenever we request the identity of a visitor, we will clearly indicate the purpose of the inquiry before the information is requested. We maintain a strict "No-Spam" policy that means that we do not sell, rent, or otherwise give your e-mail address to a third-party, without your consent or as permitted by this Privacy Policy.

If you choose to supply your postal address in an online form, you will not receive postal mailings from other third party companies.

Financial Information and Payments

We use a secure server for processing payments and donations. Use of information gained during financial transactions will abide by the terms of this privacy policy.

Will you disclose the information you collect to outside third parties?

A***ME will disclose personal information and/or an IP address, when required by law or in the good-faith belief that such action is necessary to:
1. Cooperate with the investigations of purported unlawful activities and conform to the edicts of the law or comply with legal process served on A***ME,
2. Protect and defend the rights or property of the A***ME Network of sites and related properties, or visitors to the A***ME Network of sites and related properties,
3. Identify persons who may be violating the law, the A***ME legal notice and Web site User Agreement, the rights of third parties, or otherwise misusing the A***ME Network or its related properties.
A***ME uses reasonable precautions to keep the information disclosed to us is secure.

Your Consent To This Agreement

By using the A***ME Network, you consent to the collection and use of information by A***ME as specified above. If we decide to change our privacy policy, we will post those changes on this page so that you are always aware of what information we collect, how we use it, and under what circumstances we disclose it.

Please send any questions about A***ME's Privacy Policy to:

_____

It has become rather evident that many of these interests previously actually interested in what it was they promoted as their trade, have fallen to the draw of the glitter and limelight of fame. Having supplanted the importance of good business tactics and practices with the want of fame and exposure, many of these companies and organizations have even opted to forgo adherence to humanitarian standards which have stood for some decades.

This beyond the slander and defamation tactics employed to procure everything from estates to real estate... and apparently in the sole interest of providing show business with some really funny stuff!

But of course, that is all for the comedians, as well... given how simple it has been to reorganize and reset standards and priorities that centuries of progress have established in the interest of simply being human in many respects.

*The hack work on this article being much in the same line of comedic materials produced from the actions and intentions of the modern American and Candian Markets. Decided left in this article to demonstrate both the mentality and waste of time that many of these companies have become.

AUTOMATIC REINCARNATION MACHINE A FLOP!

2006-10-14T13:11:00.000-07:00

The much touted and widely promoted "Automatic Reincarnation Machine" has proven once and for all that media promotion does not exactly equate to popularity.

It would seem that people do make some decisions for themselves, after all. Though it is still agreed that most of those decisions are based on advertisement campaigns and other silly ploys which manage to get the quick buck.

At the demonstration Expo for the Automatic Reincarnation Machine held recently in Western Canada - Sponsored by several Western Canadian Financial Institutions, a considerable percentage of those in attendance made it very clear that while it was a novel idea to be reincarnated upon the time of one's demise, none of them could see any substantial reason for doing so as it just didn't make any sense given the modern direction of society and the majority of those which comprise it.

"Who in their right mind would actually want to come back to this crap?" Stated Dr. Blowsananner. "A person of any considerable intellect would have to be mad to even consider wanting a return into a realm so over populated with asses in human form. It would be insane to actually subject one's own self to a returned trip into such a realm" continued the good Doctor.

"Given the progressive level of consumer mentalities, how could anyone not entirely insane even want of such a return? The fact that it is usually the immeasurable levels of ignorance which win out in such selection, would give anyone with half a brain pause in wanting to subject themselves to the continued progression of multiplying said ignorance within this realm of reality. As for the use I see you have installed here with the automatic multiple incarnator switch... that is just as crazy. It is like insisting on the spread of meat headed directives over and above the now inane measure of their proliferation to begin with. How could anyone be expected to want of existence among such levels of absolute and nearly immeasurable meat headed mentalities? These people can't even keep their own accounting books straight, how would anyone expect them to maintain something which is inherently designed to benefit the progress and development of humanity? As if it weren't obvious as to the tendency toward usage now, being the continued growth of wide spread topical ignorance... how could it ever be anything different than amounting to things growing into adult hood as nothing more than slobbering imbeciles wanting of anything that had a shiny gleam to it? Pure insanity, I say" then touted the good Doctor.

This of course left those in attendance and of course those promoting the nifty aspects of the Automatic Reincarnation Machine, speechless. Dumbfounded no less when it finally occurred to them that the most hideous and lacking of human creatures does usually win out in the play ground mentality of modern society. Why not just remove all forms of education and higher expectations for the development of humanity now and save everyone the headache and embarrassment of watching it transpire under some silly ploy where everyone has to act like it is brilliant for fear of their miserable lives?

It then occurred to people that the multiple incarnation aspect was just as what the Doctor had described it to have become in the sense that it really was only the biggest, scariest meatheads that now had any access to use of it.

Why not just give everyone a huge dose of stupidity as they exit the womb? Augmented of course with a considerable dose of narcissism and topical greed directed at ANYTHING someone else, no matter how long ago, said was worth something? Then of course, justify such directions with snappy commercials and jingles so as to sooth the ever growing population of hideous monsters now utilizing the very essence of development within humanity.

"Maybe we should have just designed and built a Neato Commercial Machine instead" stated the head experimenter guy that was promoting his new invention. "At least a Neato Commercial Machine would make the meat heads already having gained some dominance feel better about themselves, wouldn't it? They could sing along to the very, extremely simple jingles and feel as though it actually meant a squirt of piss! Then everyone could be happy watching reruns of game shows on their super scientific television receptor device!"

"I suppose such an atmosphere would continue to be more and more conducive to social reruns as well. Perhaps even become more susceptible to outright annihilation tactics which fell miserably to failure within the advance of the human species when they made their debut, which of course would serve to bolster the ego driven aspects of said meat headed directives.

It is crazy to think that people actually want to use the Automatic Reincarnation Machine to again promote such failed directions.... but not nearly as crazy, it does seem, as to forsake the want of promoting a need for broadcast entertainment."

In having heard Doctor Blowsananner give his impromptu interpretation of resulting dynamics from such an automatic machine, everyone in attendance made great realizations.

The biggest of which seemingly being the grateful and most thankful response to those having invented TiVo... since it was now obvious that this convention exposition of the Automatic Reincarnation Machine was a flop, and it would have been a shame to miss their favorite programs because of it.

Thank goodness for the modern advance of human comforts!

JURY DUTY FROM HOME!

2006-07-24T10:31:00.000-07:00

In recent developments on the wake of the extremely popular reality television shows, the United States Justice System is now considering a dramatic change within its inherent workings.

In an effort to streamline the huge and very boring case loads, and as well in the effort to actually get more people to serve on jury duty, the Justice System is developing a "Jury Duty From Home" program which has gained huge support through the entirety of the United States Government.

The new system will require very little participation from the "jurists" and will incorporate the incredibly popular "call in vote from home" which many of the "reality television" programs have found great success with in response.

No longer will the jurist have to go through useless interviews and waste most of their day(s) off from work in a stuffy court room or waiting room. Now they will be able to serve their jury duty from the comforts of their own homes, while doing so through the very popular activity of watching television.

The "court case" to which they are assigned will simply be broadcast on a specific and closed cable channel, which the jurist will receive clearance and codes to access through the mail when selected. This will be very similar to "pay per view" but the jurist will not have to pay for anything accept what ever snacks and beverages they choose to enjoy their Jury Duty with.

When I asked about concerns with the integrity of the Justice System the first response was that I should just be grateful to receive such super duper secret information before anyone else did... but then, as "Agent Sit-com" warmed up, hse had this to divulge;

"We considered it for a long time...like fifteen minutes and stuff.... and finally we realized that nobody really cares anyway... and since no one cares, it just seems like a waste to go through all that boring stuff just to send someone to jail...." she then paused to blow a bubble and re situate her chewing gum, then continued ; "Then someone started talking about what was on Star Maker that night... and then we started talking about what would happen on Desperate Wealthy Hookers... and then, it just like went off like a light switch or something... and then one of us said how neet it would be if we didn't have to go to jury duty and could just watch it from home with some microwaved popcorn... and like... that's how it started.... and besides, a defendant should have that option open to them as a part of thier right to a speedy trial.... we already have someone working on the theme song... it should be great. I can even see people getting in trouble just to be a part of it. It should be really great for the court system and its popularity, too."

After giving some thought to her explanation, it began to make total sense... which then began to scare the hell out of me because I was actually able to understand her gist and direction. This then acted to alarm me even further when I began to realize how much of a farce the American Justice System is.

Then I exhaled slowly and just realized that some things are beyond anyone's (except people like Secret Agent Sitcom) control. It then made even more sense.

In fact, the more that I consisder it, the more I look forward to serving my Jury Duty in such a fashion.... and "fashion" it most surely will be. Especially once the fashion reality shows are called in to spruse up the attorneys and defendants.

Let's face it, it might even spin off into a franchise to rival that of the Happy Days dynasty!

Not to mention all of the magnificent new faces for celebrity which will surely rise from the ranks of dedicated attorneys everywhere.

Popcorns ready, got to go serve my country!

NEW ADVERTISING PLOY REVEALED!

2006-06-24T10:00:00.000-07:00

In News That Rocked The Advertising World- The newest and most successful advertising ploy to date has been revealed. This was divuldged in an effort to allow others to now utilize the pioneering scheme basics, though now that others can see the elements and method used, most people are just disgusted.

In another desperate stroke of genius from the I.Q.F. world, it has been devised that the use of modern and classic masterpieces be heavily employed in all sorts of fast food and other "run of the mill" products.

"It lends to the credibility of the average, ho hum product by replacing the actual work of art with any sort of suggestive element pertaining to the un-exciting, everyday materials being ployed" stated Mr. Dr. Advertising Greedy Guy.

"Essentially, you just hack the actual work out of the frame and then replace it with a poster of what it is you wish people to see as of relation to it" he continued, "it has been incredibly successful and has become all the rage in many larger private collections as well."

It would seem that with the aid of modern technology and slight of hand, it is possible to actually convince people that a T.V. dinner poster actually had anything to do with a Degas. Sadly, but not so much as to discourage this ill, very ill manner in which to procure laughable amounts of profit gains, the actual work must physically be removed from the frame... but in a manner which leaves remnants of it so as to lend credibility to the outlandish claims of those in the ploy.

Another part of the success in this ploy has been in the use of popular catch phrases such as quotes from movie scripts.

Unfortunately, the effect and beauty of the original works is forever lost, but no one seems to mind much as, like I said, it has become all the rage- standard method of operation actually even beyond the industry.

It would appear that this is such a popular form of advertising that all a person need do is make some lame, unfounded claim to some non existent flaw in the original piece. This has become the standard method for actually procuring the art work to be used, although it is considered fair game to get them any way possible.

The beauty in this is that any hack can do it! All they have to do is "act" as if they are calling all of the shots... but of course insist that they are, their product that is, the actual original substance which used to reside within the frame itself. This is also a smaller part of the tactic in then defacing the original piece with claiming that anyone who asserts the credibility of the original work, is actually mentally ill or even further, actually the fraud.

"It Works Every Time" said Mr. Dr. Turdburglar, "people are just that desperate and dumb... you gotta love it! I can't wait to get my hands on those Mona Lisa things" he continued, "we could put any average, run of the mill corporate endeavors totally into the stratosphere with one of them things. "Specially if we go and use just the right movie line!"

TECHNOLOGICALLY ASSISTED FICTIVE TRANSFER A HUGE HIT!

2006-06-13T14:08:00.000-07:00

Just Off The Press! - Technologically Assisted Fictive Transfer has been officially named the standard and measure for social integration and interaction within the United States. This is said to be as result of the huge political push from the technological communications realm that have been benefiting from this phenomenon for some time.

In an unprecedented move which many were hesitant to join simply because of the common sense dangers to existing productivity and prosperity - not to mention the other far from understood ramifications often found as result of such endeavors, the Committee To Promote Technologically Assisted Fictive Transfer through any means with which they can afford, including falsification of government documents, has officially embraced the otherwise incredibly illegal action of imposing such social technique in appropriations.

"It really surprised us" said Mr. Wannabee, "that so many people would so readily partake of such obviously scam like social techniques. Especially since it is that most of these people will threaten to kill another person simply for smoking a cigarette because it is supposedly dangerous to others....but then again, these are the same people that will blindly ingest chemical compounds they cannot even pronounce simply because someone else says that it is cool."

"How did this obviously counterproductive means for which to gain notoriety and apparent social status become so popular?" I asked Mr. Wannabee.

"We think it started as an offshoot as emulation from genuine social structuring mechanisms existing within the social environments being trampled with this chicanery. But unfortunately, it seems to be the most popular direction in which society should procede. At least that's what we're going to say."

Moron this story as it develops.

HOFFA'S UNDERWEAR FOUND INTACT!

2006-05-26T08:19:00.000-07:00

MODERATELY INTERESTING STUFF WHICH PEOPLE JUST CAN'T SEEM TO MOVE ALONG FROM IN THEIR SAD, DESPERATE AND EMPTY LIVES- In news today it has been reported that the dig for Jimmy Hoffa has turned into somewhat of a success. On a tip from a really old guy in jail that is looking to get his sentence reduced, a crew of investigative digging guys went out to a horse farm and dug a big hole where the old guy in jail said he had seen some people burying a body way back when.

They didn't find anything yet except for an old pair of tightie whitey underwear.

At first it was believed that the underwear probably belonged to someone else, as it is widely known that Hoffa preferred to wear super hero tights... which many believe to have been the inspiration for the ever popular "Under-roos" line of childrens (and some really sick adults) preferred under garmets.

All that aside, the tightie whitey's are proving to be a welcomed lead in the search for Hoffa's final resting place. It would seem that, attached to the underwear was the beginning of some sort of scavenger hunt... which the digger crew investigator guys are most definitely going to follow up on... so if you see some guys with flashlights digging up your back yard... don't be too alarmed, it is probably just as result of the sure to ensue frenzy this "undy-clue" will most likely produce....unless of course, you happen to know that Hoffa is buried in your own back yard and just haven't bothered to let anyone else know....then, you might want to be a little concerned about the digging crew investigator guys making huge holes in your back yard.....

Actually.... I really can't figure out why anyone really cares where Hoffa is buried... if he is buried at all.

He might just be hanging out with Elvis.

END OF THE WORLD CLOCK THINGY ACCIDENTALLY RESET!

2006-05-14T13:31:00.000-07:00

INTERNATIONAL NEWS BRIEF;Much to the dismay of do-gooders and end of the world people alike, the End Of The World Clock has been accidentally reset.

It was reported that some kid somewhere in the mid west, while playing his video games after having hacked into the END OF THE WORLD CLOCK THINGY COMPUTER TIMER DILLY just for kicks, accidentally reset the end of the world clock!

Though it is that authorities are having trouble tracking the perpetrator down because of his hacking skills and smarts enough to use a false I.P. address showing him in the mid west, they assure all concerned parties that the game of "Oh My God The World Is Going To End" and "You Are A Crazy Zealot, There Is No Such Thing As The End Of The World Clock Thingy" will be able to resume as soon as they can figure out how to turn it back on and reset it again to the ever popular "Two Minutes Until Everything Is Blown To Hell Somehow" place within its configuration.

ALL ORGIES AND OTHER QUESTIONABLE ACTIVITIES (including politics and most television shows) WHICH HAVE BEEN EXCUSED THROUGH THE JUSTIFICATION OF "THE WORLD IS GOING TO END," ARE TO CONTINUE AS PLANNED!

The Whitehouse has issued an official statement which orders such to maintain in an effort to stem any sort of panic at the realization that the world isn't necessarily going to end immediately.

"The damage we could incur with people knowing the clock thingy was reset is nearly immeasurable" stated the chair person in charge of lewd behavior, "it could do serious damage to the economy as well as bible sales and convention activities of all sorts."

Just so that everyone felt included, the folks in charge of the end of the world thingy in Washington, issued statements encouraging those proclaiming the end of the world to continue their normal activities as well. Feeling that they should not be left adrift in their own confusion when the news broke pertaining to the video gamer resetting the all too important "END OF THE WORLD CLOCK THINGY." Many of them feel that the orgie people would just let them mill around in confusion and laugh at them until it was reset again without letting them in on the changes which no one will ever admit took place once the "Doomsday Clcok Thingy" is reset.

In effect, even though it is now widely known that the "End Of The World" isn't necessarily an iron clad point in time, such social dynamic and apparent need for despair within society will soon render this news brief entirely useless if not relegated to the conspiracy pile along with both angles of justification for lifestyles surrounding the mythical "Time Piece Of Doom."

Moron This If It Develops.

M.I.T. STUDENTS STRIKE KENNEDY WITH LIGHTENING! ACCIDENTALLY AMPLIFY THE EFFECTS OF EVOLUTION!

2006-05-14T13:08:00.000-07:00

Edward Kennedy's Cessna was struck by lightening yesterday just after he had completed a presentation at a popular arts school. The plane was rendered without electrical instruments and it was reported that the pilot had to land it manually.

After a short investigation into the cause of the lightening incident, it was revealed that it was no natural phenomena in the least. Several students admitted anonymously that they had orchestrated the lightening strike because they were jealous.

It seems they were a bit envious of the fact that Edward Kennedy went to an art school and partied with them instead of hanging with the science nerds and the like. "Hey!" said Nerdy Mcsnerd, "Nerds aren't what they used to be.... we can party with the best of them!"

An unexpected development from the lightening strike was somewhat of a surprise to those who aren't familiar with the long term exposure effect of the theory of evolution as it is most widely upheld upon the celebrity and political population of the United States. As result of the high intensity lightening blast, those effects already noticeable in and on Edward Kennedy were amplified to the effect that his speech was even digressing when he addressed the media about the incident. Those in his regular company assured everyone that the knuckle dragging wasn't out of place as he has been practicing it for several months now in hopes of being selected to participate in the new Living Caveman Displays set to be implemented around the United States.

"It...Oohh Oooh Oohhh... is something I...ooh ooh oohh really look forward to being a...ooh ooh ooh oohh part of" said Mr. Kennedy about the Modern Exhibit. "It will beat...ooh ooh ohh the hell oohh oooh ooh ohhh out of dealing with the chimps in Washington day in and day out...ooh ooh. I hope to plan my retirement around it."

When asked about his opinion of the M.I.T. students and their seemingly reckless behavior with such powerful equipment.... he responded saying "Ah.. really that's nothin'..... you should see what they do if they don't get to do something at the Harvard/Yale game!"

IRREFUTABLE PROOF PRESENTED IN FAVOR OF EVOLUTION!

2006-05-12T09:22:00.000-07:00

WORLD NEWS RELEASE;
Dr. Skidmarks of the Institute Set Forward To Insist On The Validity Of Evolution has recently presented what he (and his followers) are calling irrefutable proof substantiating the most widely upheld perception of evolution. He did so in a press release which we here at STOP SNIFFING YOUR FINGERS were fortunate enough to receive.

Dr. Skidmarks has used the data from a study he and his interns have just completed which involves the human tendency to gravitate toward bathroom humor and more specifically, the human fascination with the game of "Pull My Finger."

In the study he reveals the rock solid connection between the initial forms of "Pull My Finger" and the modern slot machines, and as well uses it to cite the just as firm proof in the progress of man. Using this progression in social development as a parallel to illustrate the most definite direction of physical and mental development of humans.

In their study, they not only cite the evident progress from the standard "Pull My Finger" to the slot machine, but as well explore the issue and connections more deeply. Within such they have discovered the earlier progress pertaining to the first times a human like creature decided that something more productive could be done with the average and seemingly random fart.

As Dr. Skidmarks has noted, the initial fascination with farts was amplified through efforts none too different than modern advertising techniques. "You see" stated Dr. Skidmarks, "one of the earlier examples of human like creatures showed remarkable progress in development through happening upon the thought of actually promoting the use of the random fart in a scripted and very definite manner. In essence, the fact that there is a game like 'Pull My Finger' is evidence itself of the progress and 'Evolution' of humans." He continued to explain; "Simply consider that for some amount of time, the more ignorant and less developed human creature existed in a way where their farts were just kind of happenstance..... much like the average animal. But, as humans developed, one of them somewhere along the line began to display that progress in actually seeing more potential in the fart than just the random breaking of wind. In their early cunning they developed the staging, use and control of all which a fart displays in converting it into a rather enjoyable game. This shows an incredible amount of progress and development."

The study itself was issued in a 900 page report which is far too much to include in this piece, but I am sure that you can get the idea from what is presented.

Dr. Skidmarks went on to explain that in their belief, sometime just after the "Sea Monkey" stage of human existence... and of course given the nature of the game "Pull My Finger," sometime after humans went through the "Monkey Fin" stage that the rudimentary elements of "Pull My Finger" were developed.

Many speculate in a sort of hopeful, pipe dream way, that the initial versions of "Pull My Finger" could have been first begun in the form of "Pull My Fin" or even "Pull My Sea Monkey Tail," but it is widely known that this is mostly due to the hopeful elements of someday being able to re-enact such while in the bathtub or swimming pool. In so many words, many of the interns involved with this study just wanted to have an excuse to fart allot in the public swimming pools.... and of course while they were splashing about in the weekly bath.

As they delved even further into the hot trail of "Pull My Finger," it was soon realized that it would only be a matter of time before humans developed things such as slot machines. The simple brilliance of the "Pull My Finger" development is just far too strong not to have continued to evolve... and in that, continued to influence the evolution of humans through the psychological association of such developments, even subconsciously.

"In fact" stated Dr. Skidmarks, "it could be safely said that we as a species and society owe everything to the game of "Pull My Finger" in entirety. Everything we know, have invented and have developed can be traced directly back to the point of the very first game of "Pull My Finger." Until that time, everything was simply random and without any sort of meaning or exchange. Even the act of eating was just a random thing without any insight into the reasons for it. It does sound quite odd, but in examining it even the pleasures humans derive from eating are directly as result of the development of "Pull My Finger." It is only after and during the perfection of various forms of "Pull My Finger" that humans began to explore 'pleasure' in other, up until then seemingly meaningless and mundane activities.

It still goes on today in many ways" he then continued. "It is simply that people do not associate it with the origins anymore. We have in fact discovered that everything ever developed is directly related to "Pull My Finger." It is simply that with each new, more complicated version of "Pull My Finger" that is introduced, the farther it is then perceived that we as a species have moved away from the more rudimentary concept. BUT, and this is a big but, the fact of the matter is that "Pull My Finger" may just be the center of everything. It is the only thing, through all of the years of development and change, which has remained with it's initial allure and staying power. That is to say that no matter how the initial concept has been developed or "progressed," the very first version of it is still much unchanged though still possessing that magnificent element which maintains its importance within the species and society. There are more parallels than can be cited.
In fact... and this might just be a national secret" said Dr. Skidmarks in a soft tone, "we have it on good authority that many of the worlds super computers are in the process of tracking the "Pull My Finger" relationship with everything else on the planet. It is really exciting! It has even been said in the science community, much to the dismay of the mathematicians, that all of the computer power previously dedicated to tracking PI, has now been relegated to computing the percentage level relationship with "Pull My Finger" and everything else that is within our existence. It is truly a ground breaking realization pertaining to the relevance of Pull My Finger."

With that, Dr. Skidmarks took his leave to celebrate a round or two of Pull My Finger with some interns, and he did so with the biggest, happiest smile I have ever seen on anyones face.

He must really be onto something!

Congratulations Dr. Skidmarks!

Moron this as it develops.

VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE TELEVISION CELEBRITY

2006-05-09T11:44:00.000-07:00

FRANCIS FARMER CELEBRATED IN THE SUCCESS OF SUCH POLITICAL STANDARDS!

2006-05-04T06:49:00.000-07:00

This year has been named the Year Of Francis Farmer! It is widely known that this year will be forever remembered as the year that such political tactics and embarrassing levels of anti-trust and denial which surrounded the life of Francis Farmer, will be celebrated as finally having become successful to the level of not only a wide social acceptance, but a heavily used standard in most local, state and federal areas of the government.

For those not familiar with the occurrences in the life of Francis Farmer, it essentially boils down to one of those areas that all involved still contend is un-provable and there for non-issue, but in fact, her life was ravaged as was her personal identity in ways that, as has been stated, are quickly become accepted as standard method of business and political practice.

Many speculate that the wide, new success in the use of such tactics is much due to the wonderful advance of modern communication technology. "It's just so easy to do now" said Mr. Scumbag. "How could anyone resist... especially if you can manage some false stance of minority in the effort to justify the moronic tactics used in procuring various types of income through such terribly hack like and nearly pitiable methods of "political practice."

"Yeah, it's kind of embarrassing for some people, but they are the ones that still don't know how to use the sympathy ploy of claiming to be a minority.... to make themselves look like some displaced "good guy" just doing what ever they can against the big, evil powers that didn't used to condone such embarrassing and in-humane social dynamics...but thankfully enough, we managed to buy them off as well... and surprisingly enough, we did it with the trinket like, valueless amounts of scrip that we procured in the use of the "Francis Farmer" socio-political tactic" said Mr. Scuzzo, "the beauty of it, is that they are supposed to be smart... but somehow we managed to get them to accept that crap, which as any chimp could tell you, has and will continue to become more and more valueless in the market dynamic which we have established in this great success."

Dr. Retard is one of the individuals which has done extensive work on this project. He has also designed and implemented a seminar class as well as a late night info-mercial which has become a resounding success. "This is so easy these days" said Dr. Retard, "especially with the modern communication.... in fact it gets even easier now if you manage to team up with one or more other "political movements" which have the image of being a minority or struggling..... then if you couple that with creating false debt in the victim or victims name.... it's a cake walk. you would be surprised how willing people are to forgo EVERY human standard on the planet.... especially if you can get a group of them thinking (or just acting) as if someone owes them something... such as the targeted victims of course.... then it seems like everything else goes out the window and it's easy money, baby!"

"It is a little hard to believe that people are still that stupid in the modern day. isn't it?" I then asked Dr. Retard.

"What are you talking about? Don't you watch T.V.? Look at what these morons will believe for crying out loud.... it's a freaking cake walk... and all you have to do is say that they deserved it..... especially to the chicks.... for some reason the chicks really love to be sadistic and jump at every chance to feel like they are being sneaky and evil" he said through tears of laughter. "And as you know... if the chicks dig it.... well geeze... what's a fella to do?"

"What if the victim manages to get some "chicks" to dig what they are really about?" I then asked.

"That's an easy one...." he replied in a no sweat manner, "first, you can just say that they have coodies or something... maybe some disease that nobody else wants to be around.....then of course there is the old tactic of claiming that they stole their idea from someone else and that THEY are actually the fraudulent scumbags...." he said then pausing to think moron the subject..... "then of course, there is always the old scare the panties off 'em routine."

"Scare the panties off 'em?" I asked.

"Yeah, scare the panties off 'em.... see, most chicks want some excuse to get a little naughty anyhow... and if you can give them the reason of being in some sort of danger through associating with the victim.... then what choice do they have except dropping their panties for the type of people that are actually diseased and repulsive? NONE! I tell ya! and most of 'em really do like the opportunity to be nasty little daddies girls... as long as they have an excuse that is.... see that's what really screws the guys we do this to... is that the chicks don't have the courage to actually face such situations truthfully... they're easy to scare into anything.... which is another laugh in that we then tell them that they can make all of the big league decisions... Isn't that hilarious? They don't have what it takes to stand in the batters box and make sound decisions beyond their own fears and want for little naughty excuses, but they then believe that they are qualified in that direction to make world class decisions.... It's one of our favorite parts."

"It does sound interesting" I stated.

"Yeah, it's a real laugh.... but as long as they are happy and we can make them think that they are getting the best that the world has to offer.... then there isn't anything they wont do to keep such illusions alive" Dr. Retard then added. "It doesn't matter that they are trudging the lowest possible quality level of life in their desperate, frightened existences... see, they think that their desperation and fear are because they are in the big game... but really it is just because of scaring the panties off of 'em.... chicks love to be scared I don't care what they say.... they love to be dominated, and then to feel like they are dominating something else... even fluffy little bunnies. The laugh is the more harmless what ever it is they are 'dominating is' the safer they feel and the bigger kick they get out of being hideous... man, what I have seen some celebrity broads do to fluffy little bunnies just to be mean....."

"Doesn't that simply denote a massive mental illness on a very large scale?" I asked Dr. Retard.

"Sure, but what do you do about it?" he responded, "you can't just kill them can you? that would be inhumane... and besides, they are special for being dumb enough to get the panties scared off of 'em.... they deserve to feel special don't they?"

"I suppose so" I replied, "but as far as being humane.... isn't it worse to have them living in such desperate and miserable states of existence? Doesn't that just equate to a really big waste of life and space? And then why should their mental shortcomings be allowed to spread to others simply to make sure they aren't alone in their desperation and miserable, sad excuses which fill what otherwise would be a rather enjoyable life?"

"That's all over rated...." said Dr. Retard, "nothing nowhere says that life has to be enjoyable... especially for anyone besides us. And besides, when you really don't know how to enjoy even the most simple of situations or activities, it works just as good to enjoy creating miserable situations for someone else..... especially people that do enjoy simple things.....at least it passes the time."

"You people really don't know anything beyond the terrible, hack like approach to life that you have apparently perfected to the point of becoming a celebrated social attribute, do you?" I then asked.

"No not really... and why worry about it.... there ain't nothing any more than getting some good nookie and passing it along anyway... and it don't matter how you get it... and besides, there ain't no end to the excuses to be made so that it always makes us feel like we are calling the shots.... and so we can let the used up bitches feel like they are always in control to... except of their panties for us of course.... and anything we tell them is scarey....."

"Yeah," I said, "Congratulations on your overwhelming success Dr. Retard."

NEW LIVING CAVEMAN DISPLAY TO GO INTERNATIONAL!

2006-04-29T09:08:00.000-07:00

INTERNATIONAL BREAKING NEWS!In a recent development from the success of a rather unique experiment, the media has been notified to the effect of the International Coalition For The Promotion Of Caveman Mythology seeking volunteers to "man" their new series of "Caveman displays" at international level zoos around the world.

"The experiment just started as an idea while looking through an old gradeschool textbook" said Dr. Nuckledragger, "a few of us got together over lunch and between the tear ridden laughter at the information in the pages, it dawned on us that this would make a great zoo exhibit. After that it all just kind of put itself together and we launched the first experimental exhibit in California of course, which proved to be a resounding success."

Dr. Nuckledragger has issued a formal request for "auditions" to populate the new zoo exhibits and notes that while it isn't a "pre-requisite," it is preferred that the participants be prone to excessive body hair. Men, women and children are encouraged to audition. If it is that you know how to start a fire with rocks and sticks, this is also a big bonus. If it is that you are excessively hairy and can start a fire with rocks and sticks, then you are a "shoe in" for sure.

If it is that you find you are not prone to excessive body hair, "don't let that discourage you" said Dr. Nuckledragger "we can just paste hair on your naked body where it is needed to make the display more believable."

As well it has been noted that participants should NOT have any inhibitions, as they are displayed in what is widely thought to be the "Caveman" manner, that being absolutely naked, except for the hair covering their bodies... and perhaps some very limited costuming as the project develops. Participants will be treated as are all other animals in the zoos which inhabit the "natural habitat exhibits." As well, participants are going to be expected to perform everyday functions such as defecation and sexual intercourse in the manner of most monkeys in such existing displays. For that, being an exhibitionist is a definite plus. Especially if you are a rather oversized (both male and female), very hairy exhibitionist which can start a fire with sticks and rocks.

As for scripting, it is widely believed that such will develop as does the project.... beginning at first with improvisational grunts, primal screams and moans.

For those with concerns about gluing hair on their bodies, or those of their children, it has been stated that the "glue" will be semi-permanent, though non-toxic as far as you know. Meaning that it is meant to stay on your body for some months at a time.... and as far as anyone knows, there have been no ill effects from such long term use.

These positions are open to ALL ethnicities, races and creeds. Especially the really hairy (and somewhat smelly if you so desire) variations of human examples within each of them. Please be willing to participate in naughty, dirty animal like sex including grunts, some biting and scratching as well, which will be performed impromtu and mostly in full view of others to demonstrate the manner in which humans won the "procreation, survival of the fittest."

The "cave-women" are to be encouraged to throw rocks and scream at the "cavemen" allot. Especially before and after sexual intercourse. This has proven to be one of the more popular aspects of the experimental exhibit and is sought to be carried on into all of the other displays.

Should a participant become pregnant or go into labor during their tenure in the exhibit, it is to be incorporated into the display in the most natural manner the facilities can produce. This means that it will be possible to actually view and document the gestation and birth of little "caveman" babies in the most natural representation of authenticity which can be managed in our modern day.

....And you thought that monkey babies were cute and popular!

Moron this as it develops.

NEW PENIS MEASUREMENT STANDARDS TAKE THE WORLD BY STORM!

2006-04-28T12:39:00.000-07:00

In a recent social move that will surely change the face of the planet, the standard and method with which people have measured the penis for as long as inches and centimeters have existed, has been changed.

It is now no longer acceptable to determine the length and girth of the penis with either standard unit of measure, much because the prudes and snoots of the planet could no longer stand the fact that such units were used for such purposes as well as determining their shoe sizes. This is also the result due to snoots and prudes teaming with the supposed "feminists" around the world. It seems that the view from the "feminist" perspective is that the use of the standard forms of measure in such determinations as is the length and girth of the penis, is unfair to them(the "feminists")because they do not have a penis of their own to measure but still must use the established forms of measure in their daily life for other purposes. Such is a gross in-equality, in their opinions.

Personally, I think it could be argued that measuring a penis is exactly the reason why units of measure were developed to begin with simply through a rough understanding of human nature.

It would seem that in the great arena of "pong" where in which all things are decided, that "penis measuring" lost out to the "foot measurers" and "feminists" in the contest to yet horde something else that is meaningless to horde in the first place.... that being the allowed use of standard units of measure in determining the length and girth of the penis.

Shown in the photo is the "new and improved" method by which any person seeking to do so must now employ in the act of measuring the human(or any other) penis. It is a specially developed implement which automatically combines the former "length" and "girth" measurements into one simple numerical representation. Of course this means no less than decades of confusion in the public arena while it is that the effort to continuously explain the new measure to all interested is undertaken... again, continuously.

"It is more fair that people have to measure a peter some other way than the standard forms that we have to use, too" said Ms. Pelfnerenvy, "it doesn't matter that no-one is going to understand for as long as we can keep them confused because we are jealous and have no pee pee to measure of our own."

This must be used under threat of indefinite imprisonment (condoned by every government in the supposed free world) without any form of representation or recourse with which to resolve the now illegal use of any standard form of measure in examining the penis.

This will be enforced by and from the ranks of the supposed "modern feminist" groups world wide and in a clandestine manner so as to utilize the optimum effect of a strange, new type of cold war mentality.... mostly because they obviously have nothing else to do with their own lives as they enjoy the safety of what should be freedom in an obviously "over-safe" society, in a manner as to provide plenty of useless misery for everyone else.

Moron this story as it develops.

________________________

KATE HUDSON GRILLED BY FORMER #1 FAN!

2006-04-21T12:32:00.000-07:00

Following is a letter we here at STOP SNIFFING YOUR FINGERS managed to intercept, which is from Kate Hudsons former #1 fan and was addressed to her, care of STOP SNIFFING YOUR FINGERS.

Though it is this was unsolicited information and we usually do not deal with celebrity nit picking ninnies.... we thought we would make an exception in this case since it is such a unique (however poorly dyed) situation;

Recent troubling developments prompt me to revisit a subject I've discussed in the past: Ms. Kate Hudson and her plan to seize control over where we eat, sleep, socialize, and associate with others. The nitty-gritty of what I'm about to write is this: She has the nerve to call those of us who recognize and respect the opinions, practices, and behavior of others "conspiracy theorists". No, we're "conspiracy revealers" because we reveal that if Ms. Hudson is going to make an emotional appeal, then she should also include a rational argument. Idle hands are the devil's tools. That's why Ms. Hudson spends her leisure time devising ever more dim-witted ways to empty garbage pails full of the vilest slanders and defamations on the clean garments of honorable people. She ignores the most basic ground rule of debate. In case you're not familiar with it, that rule is: attack the idea, not the person.
Just the other day, some of Ms. Hudson's brainless legates forced a prospectus into my hands as I walked past. The prospectus described Ms. Hudson's blueprint for a world in which condescending kleptomaniacs are free to deny the obvious. As I dropped the prospectus onto an overflowing wastebasket, I reflected upon the way that if Ms. Hudson were to use more accessible language, then a larger number of people would be able to understand what she's saying. The downside for Ms. Hudson, of course, is that a larger number of people would also understand that her hopeless communications ruin my entire day. News of this deviousness must spread like wildfire if we are ever to improve the living conditions of the most vulnerable in our society -- the sick, the old, the disabled, the unemployed, and our youth -- all of whose lives are made miserable by Kate Hudson. Ms. Hudson loves getting up in front of people and telling them that advertising is the most veridical form of human communication. She then boasts about how she'll use rock music, with its savage, tribal, orgiastic beat, to make us too confused, demoralized, and disunited to put up an effective opposition to her subliminal psywar campaigns quicker than you can double-check the spelling of "institutionalization". It's all part of the media spectacle that is Kate Hudson. Of course, she soaks it up and wallows in it like a pig in mud. Speaking of pigs and mud, I want to call a spade a spade. I want to do this not because I need to tack another line onto my résumé, but because I once managed to get Ms. Hudson to agree that forbearance and kindly deportment are lost upon her. Unfortunately, a few minutes later, she did a volte-face and denied that she had ever said that.
By framing the question in this way, we see that Ms. Hudson's apothegms are merely a stalking horse. They mask her secret intention to manipulate everything and everybody. At the same time, most people want to be nice; they want to be polite; they don't want to give offense. And because of this inherent politeness, they step aside and let Ms. Hudson promote, foster, and institute feudalism. I aver I am not alone when I say that when she says that masochism is the only alternative to Comstockism, in her mind, that's supposed to end the argument. It's like she believes she has said something very profound. There is absolutely nothing that bookish carpetbaggers like Ms. Hudson will not do to destroy their enemies. They will poke into the most secret family affairs and not rest until their truffle-searching instinct digs up some prissy incident that is calculated to finish off their unfortunate victim.
As one commentator put it, Ms. Hudson's memoranda leave much to be desired. Let me rephrase that: Ms. Hudson says that we have no reason to be fearful about the criminally violent trends in our society today and over the past ten to fifteen years. That's a stupid thing to say. It's like saying that the Queen of England heads up the international drug cartel. Imagine people everywhere embracing her claim that public opinion is a reliable indicator of what's true and what isn't. The idea defies the imagination. By refusing to act, by refusing to bring meaning, direction, and purpose into our lives, we are giving Ms. Hudson the power to make a mockery of our most fundamentally held beliefs.
Ms. Hudson's morals are perpetuated by an ethos of continuous reform, the demand that one strive permanently and painfully for something which not only does not exist but is alien to the human condition. It is as if we were safely on the bank of a raging river, enjoying a picnic with our friends and family, when a bunch of muddleheaded, pushy deadheads came along and threw us into the river. Not only must we must struggle to avoid drowning in the raging torrent of Ms. Hudson-sponsored absenteeism, but we must crawl out of the river before we can cast a gimlet eye on Ms. Hudson's invectives. Last summer, I attempted what I knew would be a hopeless task. I tried to convince Ms. Hudson that to deny this is to deny science, let alone the evidence of one's own powers of observation. As I expected, Ms. Hudson was entirely unconvinced. The take-away message of this letter is that Ms. Kate Hudson can out-reason devious libertines but not anyone else. Think about it. I don't want to have to write another letter a few years from now, in the wake of a society torn apart by Ms. Hudson's obstinate opinions, reminding you that you were warned.

DRUNKS AND EGOMANIACS SLATED FOR WHITEHOUSE CHEF POSITIONS!

2006-04-19T09:30:00.000-07:00

While surfing the internet I happened on a blog that boasts a voting poll pertaining to the most likely chef to gain the position of White House Chef at the next opening.

I was astonished at the lack of understanding within the poll and list of names itself.

Perhaps we should all be a bit more concerned with such a list if it is that the names on it (some I know of personally) are actually being considered seriously for such a position. That fact only bespeaks incredible lack of understanding in what it should take to gain such a position. Firstly, as I have stated though will maintain anonymity, I know personally of some of the names on that list being raging, coke head drunks.

The last time I checked, the secret service alone goes through an actual candidates personal history as if they were examining every nuance of their existence. If it is that a few of those "candidates" can actually dodge an entity such as the secret service pertaining to their actual past, then it is that we should all be incredibly terrified.

Again, I feel that I must make clear the fact that I am in no way attempting to incriminate any chef or individual associated with this "poll," but I am very much suggesting that if the few of them that I know of are actually seriously being considered, then it is that all is truly lost in regard to the integrity of such a position... as well as within most of the culinary world.

I personally have worked for one of the individuals on the "list of candidates," and know of the sordid personal habits and political stances of a few others.

Be concerned America, if it is that you take such things as security seriously... seriously that is, beyond celebrity.

Vote Here.... (it can't be worse than 500 Million voters for a T.V. show!)

SUPERCHEF BLOG- WHITE HOUSE CHEF

MONKEY FIN UNEARTHED NEAR HARPO-POTAMUS REX DIG!

2006-04-12T16:03:00.000-07:00

In a recent discovery that rocked the paleontology world, MONKEY FINS have been discovered very near the recent Harpo-potamus Rex find.

With the ramifications of such a find on the anthropology world, many spotlights have been focused on this recent find. It may in fact, again be the ever elusive “missing link” which will once and for all prove that humans metamorphed firstly from an aquatic species, then to monkeys and finally to the present or similar “human like” manifestation.

“Heck,” said Dr. Makesitup “we just got to thinking about it and figured that monkey fins would be the thing to finally show everyone that humans, through “survival of the fittest,” morphed from a fish like creature…...into monkey like creatures and then into what we are now as the smaller, hairless and much less efficient creature to HAVE SURVIVED IN THE WILD AS WHAT WE CURRENTLY ARE THROUGH SOMETHING SUCH AS SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST and/or “natural selection” as many have come to understand it… thus taking some of the heat off of that aspect in presenting irrefutable proof that there once was a MONKEY FIN creature. Further, we plan on firming the “progression” through relating the monkey’s on one side of the MONKEY FIN creature, to sea monkeys on the other… which will make it all the more believable in the popular culture of the modern day.”

“That sounds very firm and founded Dr. Makesitup,” I stated in response to his description of the Monkey Fin plan of action, “there really should be no problem with getting that past the empty heads glued to the television sets that’s for sure.

“Yeah,” he said, “we don’t really even have to say it is all science like and stuff any more… we just get someone from a big University to say it is authentic, and WHAMO! There we are on the front page with our MONKEY FIN! What a country! Besides, if anyone catches us... we will just say that we are all college graduates and are smarter than them... and then we will say that they must believe in something as silly as god, even though it has nothing to do with a MONKEY FIN... it works every time.”

"What do you do if someone else comes up with something before you do or that makes more sense than a MONKEY FIN?" I asked out of curiosity.

"Well" he began, "first we find out if they have any lawyers or went to any fancy school.... and if not.. then we just steal it and say that they are crazy until they let one of us have it... then we say it was the best idea ever to happen."

“Interesting. You don’t think anyone will question a Monkey Fin?” I asked him… when you think about it a little… it just sounds nearly impossible. Shouldn’t you people be a bit more careful in the “puzzle piece” aspects that you keep throwing into the “linear development” idea? It could get pretty dumb if you aren’t careful, right? Like… what could be after a Monkey Fin?” I then asked him.

“Ah… heck” he replied, “we’ll just let someone else worry about that one… but who knows… maybe an Elephant Fin or a Tiger Flipper just to substantiate the Monkey Fin?”

“Thanks for your time Dr. Makesitup, I am sure that a person as educated and advanced as yourself is pretty busy. Enjoy the Monkey Fin success….” I said as we parted. “Hey!” I then yelled, “maybe you can open a souvenir stand and sell some Monkey Fins or something? I bet people would buy it!”

RECENT STUDY REVEALS THE EFFECTS OF EVOLUTION ON CELEBRITY POPULATION!

2006-04-04T11:28:00.000-07:00

INTERNATIONAL BREAKING NEWS! YOU SAW IT HERE FIRST!

It was recently discovered that the strict adherence to the idea and theory of evolution as if it were gospel truth, has produced an uncanny and somewhat baffling effect on the celebrity population of the United States of America.

It seems that the strict promotion and adherence to such claims (many of which that still remain unproven beyond massive speculation), has taken it's toll on those most exposed to the propagation and those most caught up in the effort to maintain such a hard line based on the "convenient jigsaw" tactics which have been employed in presenting and defending the theory of evolution as it is most commonly upheld. This has resulted in rather interesting developments which all can agree are freakish at the least.

In the effort to combat the likewise misconstrued and misused (ecclesiastically) idea of "god" or a "higher power," those proponents of the theory of evolution may have just painted themselves into an inverted direction of their beliefs in some strange physiological effect stemming from psychological conditioning and that relationship with physical developments... not to mention the "Secret Evil Scientist Society" based largely in Hollywood, California.

What is even more interesting about this discovery (and I will have you know that I have exclusive access to the story basically because I am the one that hacked the Secret Evil Scientist Society's data base and records on all the celebrity's involved) is that it has had a "two way" effect in many cases. There are those celebrities which have "progressed" from chimp like creatures into what people perceive them as while "on," and there are those which have "digressed" in and under the light and scrutiny of celebrity.. along with the actions of the Secret Evil Scientist Society. Following are some "before and after" photographs as well as some photographs that have been stripped of the "Movie Magic" element as well as the concealing make up of a few examples in the celebrity arena.... many of which are still in a "transitional phase" which is the biggest reason for so much make up and costuming.

Here You See George W. Bush As We Are Familiar With Him

Here You See The Likeness Of George W. Bush As He Truly Appears Within The Process Of His Adherence To The Idea Of Evolution As We Know It.

Here You See A Young Hillary Clinton

Here You See Hillary Clinton After Long Years In The Political Celebrity Arena

Here You See The Same Photo Stripped Of The Technological Embellishments

Here You See The Most Widely Known Likeness Of Janet Reno

Here Is The Same Likeness Without The Technological Touch Up

Here You See Jim Carrey BEFORE Celebrity

Here You See Jim Carrey Just At The Beginning Of His career

Here You See The "propagated" Seinfeld In A Very Familiar Promotional Photograph

Here Is The Same Photograph WITHOUT The Various Filters And "Hollywood Magic"

Here Is The Likeness Of Britney Spears As Most Are Familiar With

Here Is A Close Up Of That Same Photo After Being Stripped Of The Touch Ups

Here Is The Wonderful Courtney Love As Many See Her

Here Is A Closer Look Without The Aid Of Modern Media Manipulation

Here Is A Photograph Of Jay Leno As He Is Widely Recognized

Her Is The Same Photograph A Little Closer And Sans Make Up

Here is A Promo Photo Of Leno On A Motor Cycle

Here Is A Closer Look At That Photograph Stripped Of The Filters It Had Been Treated With

Here Is A Familiar Promotional Scene From A Tom Cruise Movie

Here Is A Close Up Of Tom Cruise In That Same Scene WITHOUT The Assistance Of "Movie Magic"

Here You See The Young David Letterman As Many Saw Him

Here Is A Close Up Of The Same Photograph Without Make Up

Here Is A Recent Promotional Photograph Of David Letterman

Here Is The Close Up Of That Promotional Photograph As He Really Appears. Note The Slight Changes As Per The Effect Of The Progression Within Adhering Too Literally To The Idea Of Evolution As We Are Most Familiar With It.

This strange occurrence isn't just limited to certain areas within the celebrity population. In fact, it is very prominent in most all of it as you can see here;

This is a young Lars Ulritch in an early promo photo before we stripped the technological effects.

This is a close up of that same photograph after we removed the embellishments

Here you see a recent photograph of Stevie Nicks as many perceive her

Here then is a close up of the same photograph after removing the filtration

Here is a photograph of the Vegas Tycoon, Steve Wynn as the public knows him to appear

Here is a close up of the actual Steve Wynn after the long term effects of being exposed to a strict adherence to the idea of evolution as we most commonly perceive it

Here is the beautiful and Talented Sara Silverman as many have come to know her through the media in a recent promotional photograph.

Here is a close up of the very same photograph without the aid of "Movie Magic"
(as a note, many speculate that this "over exposure" begins with Saturday Night Live, as it has been most prominent and pronounced once celebrities have been affiliated with, or appeared on Saturday Night Live- admittedly, this is still very much speculation...but not so much as is the modern understanding of evolution)

Here is a promo photo of Alanis Morissette, the Canadian pop star.

Here is the same photograph in a close up which can be easily seen as the very effect I am speaking of pertaining to over exposure. (as well, another note pertaining to a relationship with Canada...being that much of Saturday Night Live is of Canadian origins- perhaps only a coincidence)

Here is Alanis performing as many saw her

Here is a close up of the same photograph without the make up or the special effects...including the tactics to hypnotize the live audience.

Here is a more recent photograph of Lars Ulritch

Here is the same photograph in close up without the effects. Note the subtle advance of the condition from his earlier years... more the way it has "progressed" even through becoming more refined and less pronounced.

Here again is Morisette as many see her

Here is the exposed close up of the very same photograph.

Here is a recent promotional photgraph of James Hetfield.

Here is the very same photograph as a close up and without the special effects. Note the different level of effect from the condition on his progression than that of his band mate, Lars. This illustrates that the effect of the over exposure is different on different people.

As anyone can see, this effect acts directly contrary to the "innate" human desire to progress and develop. Factually, a person could say that this effect is even amplified with and within the dynamic and reach of the modern media.

If a person considers it, the idea of "humans progressing" is very nearly negated within the very effort to do so. More so, within the very technological and applied (however misconstrued) ideological developments we as a species have managed not only to suspend our progress "away" from those animal elements which permeate and mix with our "human" elements... but as well, we have managed to magnify and promote the developmental effects of them on our physical as well as mental state of existence in adhering so rigidly (and many times happenstance and blindly in a pig headed manner) to those outlines which were put forward in an age when we as a species didn't even have the insight into molecular or physiological make up which we have today.

I am in no way discounting the idea of "development" in the human creature... only presenting hard evidence that the direction of use within such ideas which we currently employ, has caused an adverse effect within our developmental trates which can be easily seen in these photograph examples.

As far as "development" of the human creature is concerned, it is very easy to see that such is very much the case simply when observing the human tendency throughout history to organize and develop within societies. I simply contend that this direction naturally is an innate effort to steadily highlight and concentrate the more human elements within the species and its variations, very much in a manner as a person can see in the development of more simple betterments within our existence.

The problem is, from what I can tell, is the human effort itself to do so even without the knowledge of such leanings. To "try" is to fail in that sense as a person can easily see in these evidentiary photographs. We as a species have somehow become so enthralled with ourselves, that we think we can better the larger process itself to the degree of overtaking it.

Granted, humans have developed "betterments" within our existence.... but then again, some of those "betterments" have proven to be nothing more than problematic on the larger sense.

So in that, we must consider much more within such applied developmental degrees... least we all end up as has most of the celebrity population.

As well we must take into account to what level these examples of humanity are being manipulated from the direction of the Secret Evil Scientist Society as well as the Secret Order of The Captured Government Alien Creatures. There is really no way of telling how far their basic molecular structures have been manipulated with special secret ray guns and exposure to mind bending technological gizmos that we as creatures just ain't got what it takes to fully comprehend yet.

I will keep this story updated as I happen upon more photographic evidence of such physical and physiological changes.

President Bush Signs Corporate Corruption Bill

2006-04-01T09:47:00.000-08:00

As an "In The Field Reporter," I usually don't apply the "Hunter S. Thompson sports corespondant" tactic, but this was just too good to turn down... so I chose to use the already published coverage of President Bush's speach just before signing this new "Coruption Bill."

The East Room

Policy in Focus: Corporate Responsibility (except for us and our affiliates)

10:15 A.M. EDT

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you very much. Welcome to the White House, and welcome to this historic occasion (please do not laugh out loud or I will have the secret agent guys remove you from the room).

During the past year the American economy has faced several sudden challenges(mostly due to ourselves and affiliates on both sides of the political spectrum), and proven its great resiliency (mostly because of people that really know what is going on). Terrorists attacked the center and symbol of our prosperity (opening an incredible opportunity for us to money grab with our friends without even a second guess from anyone else). A recession cost many American workers their jobs (and we thank you for all of the extra money for our affiliate organizations). And now corporate corruption has struck at investor confidence (and we are past "I won't tell if you won't"), offending the conscience of our nation (which gave us much more opportunity..thanks again). Yet, in the aftermath of September the 11th, we refuse to allow fear to undermine our economy (we intend to continue our money grab as long as we can keep investigations and the media at bay). And we will not allow fraud to undermine it either (which means we already have plenty of patsy's to take the blame for our squandering).

With well-timed tax cuts (for our friends...both Republican and Democrat) we fought our way out of recession and back to economic growth (at least that's what we will say). And now with a tough new law we will act against those who have shaken confidence in our markets (and anyone that is planning on stealing our money the way that we have been stealing it from everyone else), using the full authority of government to expose corruption (we plan on persicuting anyone that knows the slightest about actual economy and of course our underhanded deals), punish wrongdoers and defend the rights and interests of American workers and investors (as long as they are "investing" in our companies and interests).

My administration pressed for greater corporate integrity (for other companies under our microscope smoke screen which kept anyone from seriously looking at our blatant theft and hack work). A united Congress has written it into law (under our guidance for fear of their jobs and the "black van treatment"). And today I sign the most far-reaching reforms of American business practices since the time of Franklin Delano Roosevelt (but this is better because it gives us something to hide behind and use against anyone that wants to prosecute us). This new law sends very clear messages that all concerned must heed (mostly about messing with the obvious and messy hack theivery we have been perpetrating....DON'T DO IT OR WE WILL LEVY THIS LAW FULLY ON THOSE THAT TRY). This law says to every dishonest corporate leader: you will be exposed and punished; the era of low standards and false profits is over; no boardroom in America is above or beyond the law(ESPECIALLY THOSE THAT STAND IN OUR WAY AND LOOK TO BE A THREAT IN EXPOSING OUR BLATANT AND OBVIOUS SHINANIGANS).

This law says to honest corporate leaders: your integrity will be recognized and rewarded, because the shadow of suspicion will be lifted from good companies that respect the rules (or at least that is what we will say for those that do as we tell them and continue to help and cover up all of our violations both Democrat and Republican).

This law says to corporate accountants: the high standards of your profession will be enforced without exception; the auditors will be audited; the accountants will be held to account (especially if they fail to do what we or Disneyland says).

This law says to shareholders that the financial information you receive from a company will be true and reliable, for those who deliberately sign their names to deception will be punished ("deception" being anyone else's company that is not affiliated with our leanings).

This law says to workers: we will not tolerate reckless practices that artificially drive up stock prices and eventually destroy the companies, and the pensions, and your jobs (unless you are working for us and artificially driving up our stock prices and value).

And this law says to every American: there will not be a different ethical standard for corporate America than the standard that applies to everyone else (unless they work for us, then it's foney hack work for all we care). The honesty you expect in your small businesses, or in your workplaces, in your community or in your home, will be expected and enforced in every corporate suite in this country (excuse me while I giggle just a bit).

I commend the Congress for passing a strong set of reforms (everyone that signed it gets a special treat at the Ranch as soon as we can get the media under control again). I particularly thank Senator Paul Sarbanes and Congressman Mike Oxley. Both are very thoughtful (and entirely on our payroll), and were persistent voices for reform (as long as we kept them "lubed"). They are true advocates of corporate integrity (until they start to be honest about our dealings). I appreciate their working together to send a signal to the rest of the country that it's possible in Washington, D.C. to set aside partisan differences and to do what's right for the American people (as long as we are acknowledged as the only "American People"). I also appreciate the bipartisan leadership in the Congress, and I particularly thank Senator Daschle and Senator Lott who are with us here today (just so we can make sure that we are clear on some things).

I want to thank members of my Cabinet who worked on this bill: Secretary of Treasury O'Neill and Attorney General Ashcroft, Secretary Evans, Secretary Chao. I appreciate the FBI Director being here, along with the Chairman of Securities and Exchange Commission, Harvey Pitt. I appreciate the Corporate Fraud Task Force members who are here. I want to assure the American people, they're just getting started (and we still aren't too sure about their "loyalties" so we will keep an eye on them).

America's system of free enterprise, with all its risk and all its rewards is a strength of our country, and a model for the world (and man can we work it for all we claim it is worth... free money rocks). Yet free markets are not a jungle in which only the unscrupulous survive, or a financial free-for-all guided only by greed (did I just hear someone laugh? Someone find out who just laughed!). The fundamentals of a free market -- buying and selling, saving and investing -- require clear rules and confidence in basic fairness (imposed on everyone else so as to insure our "control").

The only risks, the only fair risks are based on honest information (that we keep from everyone else until we alter it to our specs). Tricking an investor into taking a risk is theft by another name (and we are great at it). Corporate executives must set an ethical tone for their companies (more so for the camera's... as long as they are one of our affiliates). They must understand the skepticism Americans feel and take action to set clear standards of right and wrong (for them all to deal with which we will change at our whim). Those who break the rules tarnish a great economic system that provides opportunity for all (as long as they are affiliated with us or one of our affiliates).

Their actions hurt workers who committed their lives to building the company that hired them (which we directly benefit from in the hostile take overs we insight). Their actions hurt investors and retirees who placed their faith in the promise of growth and integrity (and that's just fine with us... as long as they realize they must now march in our ranks or die). For the sake of our free economy, those who break the law -- break the rules of fairness, those who are dishonest, however wealthy or successful they may be, must pay a price (and if it is one of us...that price is the fee to get into a strip club downtown).

Today, we are taking practical steps to encourage honest enterprise in our nation. Under this law, CEOs and chief financial officers must personally vouch for the truth and fairness of their companies' disclosures (and include a modest payment to any of our affiliates). Those financial disclosures will be broader and better for the sake of shareholders and investors.

Corporate officials will play by the same rules as their employees (which means they will consume our affiliates products). In the periods when workers are prevented from buying and selling stock in their pensions or 401(k)s, corporate officials will also be barred from any buying or selling.

Corporate misdeeds will be found and will be punished (especially if we say so). This law authorizes new funding for investigators and technology at the Securities and Exchange Commission to uncover wrongdoing (in other people's portfolio's and holdings). The SEC will now have the administrative authority to bar dishonest directors and officers from ever again serving in positions of corporate responsibility (and they are dishonest if they do not agree with our stance, political views AND invest in our affiliates...essentially, we can now black ball anyone that we want to). The penalties for obstructing justice and shredding documents are greatly increased (and anything we want to do or see is considered "justice"). Corporate crime will no longer pay. CEOs who profit by betraying the public trust will be forced to return those gains to investors (unless it is us...and we get a cut anyway). And the maximum prison term for common types of fraud has quadrupled from five to 20 years.

For the first time, the accounting profession will be regulated by an independent board (of people on our payroll). This board will set clear standards to uphold the integrity of public audits, and have the authority to investigate abuses and discipline offenders (that we send to them to investigate). And auditing firms will no longer be permitted to provide consulting services that create conflicts of interest (which means they no longer have the option of representation during the "persecution" process).

This law gives my administration new tools for enforcement (and maintaining the security of our own fraudulence and violations). We will use them to the fullest (to insure that everyone does what we say and doesn't try to expose our violations). We will continue to investigate, arrest and prosecute corporate officials who break the law ("law" being anything we want to say it is "willy nilly"..but NOT extending to acual interpretation of just law or contracts/agreements historically). The Corporate Fraud Task Force I established is now hard at work, overseeing investigations of alleged fraud and insider trading (of other firms not affiliated with us, to insure our superiority and control of the market place as well as keeping anyone from challenging our blatant and embarassing violations). More than 200 federal prosecutors are at work detecting and punishing corporate crimes (of other people.. so take heed). Every corporate official who has chosen to commit a crime can expect to face the consequences. No more easy money for corporate criminals, just hard time (again, for those that do not conform to our specific wants and political direction...even and especially when it includes the posturing of false and fraudulent individuals as people they are not).

As the work of enforcement proceeds, I hope Congress will join me in other important efforts to protect the savings and investments of Americans preparing for retirement (so watch it old folks... I'm comin' fer yer dough next). We've seen how workers can lose a lifetime of savings overnight, locked into pension plans without adequate choices and information (so know that that was just a warning to you all as to what we can do to everyones investment security... and there is nothing anyone can do about it).

Workers should be able to sell company stock and diversify into other investments after three years in their own company's plan. They should receive updates on their retirement accounts, not once a year, but every three months. They should have access to sound investment advice. I have proposed pension protection reforms; the House has passed them. I hope the Senate takes them up soon (do I have to keep explaining this in bold italics?).

We must also work together to promote more growth in the economy and jobs for the American people. The fundamentals of our economy are sound. After all, sales of automobiles and new houses are on the rise. New unemployment claims have been falling since April. Inflation is low, productivity is increasing, and growth continues. Those are signs of strength in our economy, and with the right policies we can build on it.

We must continue to work to control federal spending, and make the tax cuts permanent, so Americans can save and plan for their own future. We must tear down trade barriers, so people everywhere can buy American. We must make terrorism insurance available to spur more construction.

And on energy, we must encourage conservation through new technology and produce more energy at home, to give our economy safe and steady sources of power, and make our country less reliant upon foreign sources of power.

The attacks against our economy in the last year have caused deep hardship, and highlighted the economy's fundamental strength. The American economy is more diverse and more innovative than ever before. And its greatest strength, the people who make it work, are better trained and more productive and more highly skilled than ever before.

Whenever we face challenges, from the fear that threatened our economy after September the 11th to the fraud that threatens investor confidence today, we've tackled them head on. The American economy depends on fairness and honesty. The vast majority of businesses uphold those values. With this law, we have new tools to enforce those values, and we will use those tools aggressively to defend our free enterprise system against corruption and crime.

It is now my honor to sign the Sarbanes-Oxley Act of 2002. (Applause.)

(The bill is signed. so you can all kiss it goodbye.... there isn't anything anyone can do about controlling their own interests any more)

When I first saw this, I was kind of horrified.... but then I realized that the people not only let it happen... they chose to let it happen for what ever reasons... so in that I realize that they deserve exactly the direction and developments which will come of it.... more specifically, they deserve the way that this law is going to be used.

Another thing I find kind of amusing, is just the other night I was laying there before I went to sleep, wondering how it would be possible to lay more despair across society for the purpose of making sure people NEED things like their game shows, their talk shows....the government, etc....

And what do you know? I read a news blurb today and there it is!

It is definitely going to be entertaining to watch as it plays out..... More I suppose watching the embarrassing misuse of it... the sad excuses... the pathetic morons and their paranoia in desperation of having some postured control of something when really, in such motions they simply make themselves more vulnerable in so many ways I won't even begin to go into.... which in turn will assure the necessity of "needing" other entities such as the Canadian influence... so in that, it is all just a large, desperate, embarrassing game of co-dependant pathetic displays of false superiority.

Definitely will be interesting to watch as it "develops."

The sad part, is that such a structure leaves those who are not interested in being "dependent" and making someone look falsly important, out in the cold.... actual business is screwed.

NEW PROSTATE STIMULATOR A HIT WITH ORAL HYGIENISTS!

2006-03-02T15:42:00.000-08:00

Hygienists have agreed, the new battery operated prostate stimulator is the top of the line and the best that has ever been marketed.

"We just got together one day and realized that no-one was using these wonderful tools... and we decided that we would put them to use through our networking with hookers and strippers" stated Mary Quite Contrary, "they love the result... as do their tricks, Johns and husbands. And" she added, "our gay friends like them, too."

"Yeah," said Ms. Contrary's current patient, "it used to be such a pain and chore to go to the dentists office.... but now, I even make appointments when I don't need no dental work and let me tell you that I am one satisfied customer!" he said while throwing a wink at Ms. Contrary. "I even like the little different humming sounds it makes when the procedure is being performed."

"You are so sweet!" she replied to the gentleman in the positioning apparatus, "now... open up and say ahhhhh. This won't hurt one bit."

Let me just say that the rest I leave to you pertaining to the PROSTATE STIMULATOR... a man in the field should only have to go so far.

You can get them at just about any drug store or credible department store.... as well as most supermarkets that value their clientele. Usually under ten bucks.

Whisker Pokin' Falls Short Of Demands!

2006-02-11T10:38:00.000-08:00

In a report to be published just before the Valentine Holiday, most couples around the world have stated in a survey that they are not getting enough quality time in the sack.

"We just aren't getting enough pokes in the whiskers" said Anita Weenie of the Women’s Coalition for Friction Burns when asked what she thought of the results of this survey. "It seems to me that what is happening is that we just aren't getting the romp time we really desire."

When asked if she thought maybe the survey was a bit inaccurate, she responded with this; "I think it's probably pretty accurate. Really, it's just about all that we think about.. even though you would never know it with the posture that we take in situations where we could actually add to the whisker poking tally. It's that "slut" thing that really bothers us."

Why would promiscuity have to be so related to whisker poking? I asked in the interest of journalism. Why not just be open and forthright with your chosen partner?

"See, that's the problem" she then stated, "why should we have to just have one tallywhacker when there are so many of them out there for poking?"

Don't you think that is a contradiction with your outward aversion to being thought of as loose or slut-like? I then asked, again solely in the interest of quality reporting.

"No" she responded, "it should be a big secret and we should just be able to drop trow whenever we want because that is what women’s lib is for."

Have you ever heard of Typhoid Mary? I asked... and again without meaning any offense... simply for the purpose of journalism.

"Yeah, she was famous" she said, "and besides, that's what the pills are for."

What about the responsibility that goes along with sexual "liberation?" I asked her. What of "commitment and the white dresses and other ritual within society that are so sought after in the female population?

"Don't try and enslave me with that responsibility stuff, man!" she replied, "that stuff is just to try and keep the women’s movement down. And besides" she then continued, "commitment means that we girls get to be slutty how ever we want until we get nervous about being old and then some guy gets to commit to us so we can have everything that we want the quick way.... AND something Old, Something new, Something borrowed and something blue... IN A BIG WHITE DRESS!" she yelled.

What about the actual ritual meaning within those "white dress" wants? I then asked as calmly as possible.

"Ritual stuff is just to keep the women’s movement down, man! And it's for old people, anyway unless it is cool secret witch stuff" was her response.

Why would you want to be part of it so badly then? I continued to inquire. The big white dress... the ceremonies.... that silly stuff?

"Because it is every girls right!" she then snorted.

Why tie yourself in such knots? I asked her. With so many modern options at societies disposal... why then cling to the "virginal" imagery when your version of "feminine power" is all between your legs?

"You mean you think that it isn't about my whisker patch?" she asked rhetorically.

"In so many words," I stated in response. "You see, you are removing the actual power in femininity through many of your dependent leanings which you think give you some advantage in the compromise you have orchestrated to serve the false version of feminine freedom.... in my opinion, that is."

"But don't you want to poke me in the whiskers?" she then asked, "Are you a homo or something?" she added in an effort to barb my position.

"Sure" I replied, "there's really nothing like a good ol' poke in the whiskers.... but the manner in which you, in the generation of your "movement" have "progressed," really has removed the actual options in such exchanges..... you have convinced yourselves that the "whisker patch" is the basis of civilization and key to gaining some undisputed control... and in doing so, you have presented the potential for it to actual become the biggest detriment there-in. Further posing the danger of a loss of control unmatched in history in regard to the progress of civilization. It would seem that you have allowed the movement to achieve feminine equality and freedom, which equates to responsibilities as well, to be turned into some non existent direction in an effort to attain some semblance of dominance. Dominance, that obviously your movement wants nothing real to do with in regard to the immense responsibilities of achieving an outright position of undisputed and unchecked sway, which none other have EVER had. In short, somehow it would seem as though you have come to think that the way to attaining what you call freedom is through a reckless disregard and abuse of your counterpart here, in this world.... given that YOU are a heterosexual, of course."

"Why can't you just want to poke me in the whiskers and be dumb?" she then stated.

"Again, I don't see where on is of relation to the other.... and further, the progress and development of humans dictates that such is not an option.... especially and because of, the very twisted modern version of that which you call women’s liberation. That progressing change alone, will and does make for many other peripheral changes. One of which being the creation of so many other options in the "simple" version you employ, for men as well..... besides, have you looked at the population of the world, lately?" I then asked.

"What does that have to do with anything?" she then asked in response. "Population, that is?"

"The fact that there are so many people in the world.... some of which is due to those unbridled "freedoms" in their misuse, means a lesser value on that "patch of whiskers" that you see as such a commodity. The overpopulation means that the "little pleasure pot" is relegated to just that... it has lost much of the actual value it once embodied... which then turns the whole thing into a realm of prostitution and with no more or less value than that" was my direct and calm response.

"I don't get it?" she then said in a sad effort to dodge the situation.

"It's really quite simple" I then continued, "you have simply devalued that which you see as your greatest commodity through the misuse of that which was set forward to bolster such otherwise inherent values. In relegating yourselves to secrecy and promiscuity as the set standard and goal of such a "movement," you have actually relegated the entirety of worth given in the possession of a "patch of whiskers" to nothing more than pleasure...... a toy, as it were, which in turn is directly contradictory to that "movement" which you see as your greatest weapon in seeking the false goal of dominance.... again," I then stated "in my humble opinion. ..... And I should say that it's O.K. with me when it comes to Brass Tacks... like I said, there are already far too many people in the world.... and I do enjoy a good poke in the whiskers as much as the next guy or gal... ummm, excuse me, I mean as much as the next guy or empowered neo-feminist."

"You mean I am being a hooker when I thought I was roaring like a lioness?" she then asked.

"That part is for you to figure out" I then said, "you who are so much in control and liberated in the bent direction of the "path of least resistance" you have chosen" I replied.

"You are dumb" she then said. "How are you ever going to find any whiskers to poke?" she asked me. "How else are we supposed to be "good to go" and be able to poke some whiskers anytime, if we have to worry about being a virgin?"

"That is part of my point in your contradiction" I responded. "It is your want to still be seen and benefit from some virginal reputation... which soon becomes the focus of your efforts, which leads to not much whisker poking at all, anyway. Which then in turn, just makes you crazier than you already were.... which then makes you all the more, less desirable to be with in any degree.... even for the simple romp and roll of a good bout of whisker poking... which then makes you madder... which then leads to more misuse in gaining some imaginary vengeance, of the potentials within such a "movement" as that which you wield as weaponry."

"How come you don't want to poke me in the whiskers?" she then stated.

"Like I was saying" I then began to again explain, "it's just too expensive in allot of ways, for what you actually get these days... and like I was saying, there isn't a need, or even a possible way in which to falsify a need to actually put any effort into chasing a patch of whiskers to poke..... from the heterosexual males view, anyhow.... but that is part of the responsibility that females have forgotten in the misdirection of the malicious use of such supposed "freedoms." It is very much up to the female to pursue within the dynamic of our modern day AND that which they all claim to be a part of and want as their standards. But laughably, the modern "feminist" is incredibly susceptible to school yard manipulations... and that coupled with the lack of commitment level within the new version of such a "movement," truly bodes ill for humanity and civilization.... which really is a good thing considering the fact, as I have stated, that there are just too many people in the world."

"You are really dumb" said Anita Weenie. "I don't want to talk to you anymore and I am going to tell all of my friends that, too. You are just judgmental and I will not allow myself to be subjugated with it! We should be able to poke whiskers anytime we want to."

"Here Here!" I concurred, "any time that you want to... so why the continued interest in things like marriage and ceremonies celebrating individual unions when you truly only want "freedom" and "secrecy"... as if the two were compatible?"

"I am calling my lawyer!" said Anita Weenie, "because you are dumb."

SUPERBOWL UPSET! AGAIN......

2006-02-09T12:17:00.000-08:00

National News- It is confirmed that the annual upset of the century has again taken place. This time in Super Bowl XL.

Yet again the two most dominant and menacing football teams in the N.F.L. could in no way compete and were sent home with their tails between their legs.

With no regard to life or limb, the Superbowl was again swept away with little outward effort.

The Steelers and the Sea Hawks both had to take a knee to the ever
present and dominant advertising industry this year as expected
when the commercials during the "big game" again took the show.

Though given little attention in the obvious manner, it is in no way
arguable that the advertisers didn't take the biggest trophy home,
outright.

"The entertainment value alone was worth the millions it took to
buy this thing again" stated Dr. Sicko Noodlemanskiowitz. "It's really
no sweat every year.... that's why we like to keep a low profile on the
actual score of the actual game. Those teams didn't stand a chance...
and if I may say so without sounding too humble, none of them ever
do. Especially since we got a really good finger on the wives of the
fans."

Do you have any further plans for next years victory? I asked being
at a loss to extend the questions I had prepared for the monstrosity
created in our modern media.

"Nope... nothing I care to divulge at this point... " he replied. ".....but
if I might toot my own horn again... we really knocked 'em dead
with the chick commercials this year. They didn't even see it coming!
Ain't we great? Drinks on the house! As long as it's someone else's
house, that is.... otherwise... get in line like the other schleps."

With that said, I politely rose from my knees after kissing his feet and
and took three steps backwards in a deep bow being sure to thank
him profusely and enough to leave a trail of slobber in my path.

"Now go eat some chicken strips on your way to Disneyland" I heard
him say as I exited the room.

Heterosexuals Anonymous Convention Heavily Picketed

2006-01-17T10:23:00.000-08:00

In a move that surprised the world, the Rainbow Association officially has come all of the way out of the closet exposing the Gay Agenda in a full frontal manner with a demonstration and picket line at the annual Heterosexuals Anonymous convention held this year in Seattle, Washington.

As if it weren't enough that heterosexuals had to find reprieve from the gay persecution using governmental loopholes and what has become known as the Politically Correct Inquisition through forming Heterosexuals Anonymous, the Gay and Lesbian community have taken things a bit further with directly and publicly attacking heterosexuals of all walks. This of course, is seen as alright being that it is homosexuals and lesbians which are skirting social standards and laws concerning discrimination.

"We wanted our turn" said Mr. Strapon of the Rainbow Association. "Yeah" said Ms. Fistmeharder "We just wanted our turn."

"What did you want your 'turn' for?" I asked as would any decent reporter.

"You know, to do what it's for.... to oppress others when you have any semblance of power" stated Ms. Fistmeharder and Mr. Strapon in a very creepy, machine like way simultaneously.

"Yeah.... we just wanted to make other people feel left out because we haven't come to terms with our own disposition....and besides...everyone should be gay...we don't just want tolerance...we want everyone to be gay or lesbian" said Ms. Fistmeharder.

"Yeah" concur ed Mr. Strapon "everyone should have to conform to our gay and lesbian ideals... it isn't fair if they don't. That's why we want the churches to recognize gay marriages in their institutions and religious beliefs.... we don't want to go to the churches mind you...we just want them to say that our form of union is o.k. in their religious beliefs when really, if we just wanted to get married all we would have to do is address a form of civil union that is recognized legally... we don't even believe in god for the most part..... at least that is what we say..but we really just want everyone to change centuries of religious structure to accommodate us within it.... because we are special. Darnnit."

"Yeah" they said again in unison.

"So, why not just focus on getting a legal civil union?" I asked.

"Because" they began, "We want you to say that your god loves us too... because it isn't fair if you don't."

"O.K., but why target all heterosexuals?" was my next question.

"Because they aren't gay... and we are smart and they are dumb....and like in the movies, everyone needs to have an adversary" was their response. "Besides, it's just the heterosexual men that we have to worry about persecuting...because the heterosexual women are really just repressed lesbians and they are on our side anyway because we are effeminate and feminists. We gossip with them and they do what we say and pretty soon we will make a law that says boys have to be gay or they can't even have a job."

"Isn't that just a bit outlandish, self centered, shortsighted and frankly, deranged?" I asked.

"Don't you oppress me because I'm gay" shouted Mr. Strapon. "Yeah! Me too! and our way is better so there." exclaimed Ms. Fistmeharder.

"Let me ask you this then if I may" I stated, "why is it part of the gay agenda to undermine heterosexual marriages and business relationships with extremely flagrant lawsuits and interventions?"

"You may not!" Said Mr. Strapon "Yeah" said Ms. Fistmeharder "It's a big secret and we can make the secret agents get you if you say anything to us because we are gay... and I will tell my pimp on you and he will get mad because he won't get my government issued check every month if he doesn't do what I say."

"So what exactly does the mental disorder of failing to address your own sexuality to the extent of demanding all others condone it, have to do with social health on the larger scale?" I asked.

"Because we want to make someone else as unhappy about themselves as we are" said Ms Fistmeharder

"Yeah" said Mr. Strapon.

"You realize, that here in the United States of America... that it is possible within the governmental structure to actually make social standards for yourselves... in essence to create an atmosphere that is conducive to your own leanings within reason, don't you?

"I knew that" said Mr. Strapon rather quickly
"Yeah, we knew that" concurred Ms. Fistmeharder.

"Then why allow yourselves to be distracted from such in becoming a shitball for someone else's political movement? Essentially just allowing yourselves to be the monkey wrench in exchange for some pat on the butt in approval? Why haven't you used that "knowledge" to create a safe and harmonious atmosphere for your own movement? Why leach on other peoples prosperity and happiness?" I enquired.

"It's easier and more fun to blame someone else and then get kickbacks for it... besides we really don't want happiness for ourselves so much as misery for other people....because we are special and my daddy was mean to me" stated Mr. Strapon

"Did you ever consider that your father might have been a latent homosexual? Having no other outlet for his wants other than abusive behavior?" I asked

"I knew that" said Mr. Strapon "It's our turn to be mean like our daddies and mommies so leave us alone and let us oppress some people, or I'll sue you for being mean to homosexuals.... you must not be gay."

"No," I said with calm confidence "I'm not gay."

"We would never have agreed to this interview if we knew you weren't gay... that isn't fair." they said again in the same creepy unison.

"Why would you blame heterosexual males?" I asked

"You are dumb" said Mr. Strapon, "I already told you that the women already do what we say because we are gay and they can relate more to us than heterosexual men... we are a minority and so are they.... and you are dumb...because everybody knows that and the media says gay people are smarter, so there dummy."

"Yeah" said Ms. Fistmeharder "you are dumb."

PROSTHETIC BULGE TOPS LISTS THIS HOLIDAY SEASON!

2006-01-10T06:40:00.000-08:00

WORLD NEWS- Topping most major consumer and market lists this year the prosthetic bulge produced by the "Wonder Undies Co. Incorporated" in Seattle, Washington broke records in two categories.

According to Forbes, Reuters and The Wall Street Journal, the first record was set for the volume of "units" sold before the holiday and new year, in the underwear and lingerie categories.

According to most retailers and city refuse disposal employees, the second record was set by the "Wonder Undies" for returns and discards.

Apparently, judging from the commentary obtained from city dump truck guys and gals... there was a very small percentage of them still in the "package." This means that people actually tried them at least once before throwing them away....which means that they probably had allot of explaining to do when they got as far as dropping trow and gettin' down to business.

Yes, it seems that there is still "one born every minute."

Coincidently, there was a spike in the "excuse a day calendar" sales reported entirely independent of "Wonder Undies." As well as a bum rush of calls to "Wonder Undies" asking for a replacement booklet titled "What the fuck do I say after my pants are off" which apparently NONE of the "Wonder Undies" were "packaged " with contrary to the little picture on the back of the box that said "Includes a booklet of things to say once your pants are off and it is obvious that you have stuffed your pants with a prosthetic enhancement."

Many of the consumers of this product thought it would be best to no longer sell it as a "stand alone" item, but perhaps include it in a "package" with a set of detachable strap ons and perhaps even a dinner voucher for two, at Denny's, Applebee's, Burger King or any other comparable restaurant establishment.

All agreed that there should be a removable sticker to be placed on the wearer that states it is a prosthetic enhancement. A disclaimer of sorts.

There were hoards of suggestions for including it in various "adult costume" packages.

It was also reported that the lowest percentage of returns and discards was in the celebrity consumer area, as well as the top 5% income bracket in the United States. Apparently is does "wonders" for enhancing "on screen image" as well as live performance "presence." Factually, it is rumored that most talent management agencies and companies have them on hand as "standard issue" for new "talent" entering their stables.

Grace Tailor of Emrolled City Talents had nothing but raves for the "Wonder Undies Co. Incorporated's" products. "They look so tasty! The first time I got a real eye full... I could hardly keep myself from the restroom...and the first time I got a real handful in a casting couch session...let us just say that they have a very life like feel as well. I personally can't wait until they come out with a pulsating model."

It is also rumored that the "Wonder Undies Co. Incorporated" is currently soliciting celebrity representation for their product in the public arena. Or even just celebrity look alikes that haven't "gone porn" yet.

To contact "Wonder Undies Co. Incorporated" concerning your purchase or any other information;

Put your thumb between your lips and blow really hard.

SANTA SLIPS THE NOOSE! Car Jacking Competition Continues.

2005-12-27T07:39:00.000-08:00

International News- Breaking the world record time for "jacking" and stripping a car... Santa's car jacking gang was caught here in a photograph at a secret underground competition for "illegal" sporting activities which include cock fights, dog fights, car stripping.... and human boughts.... as well as the hundred yard purse snatch and dash....

Santa was reported as being pleased with his newest team of car jackers. He really looks forward to the release of information pertaining to the progress of his online "Santa-Cyber-Nauti" club and their internet pilfering excursions. Unfortunately, for Santa to get an in depth report, it usually entails the capture, and thus the end of a career, of one of his "Santa World" trainees.

Mr. Squeekingsphincter officially stated that “this type of activity is very much the sort that we seek to end with the capture of this hideous felon. These types of displays are simply a thumb on the nose to civilized communities everywhere… as is the consistent act of covering for the old geezer. Soon enough…. We will have him and his circuit brought to justice… the good kind of justice… you know the Movie Stuff…. None of that mambi pambi litigation silliness… There will be no more fat elves competing with our celebrities’ ratings and time slots!”

As everyone knows by now, the supposed “capture” of Santa Claus by an undisclosed organization has turned out to be a bigger hoax than the ongoing efforts to track and capture him every year. Many suspect N.O.R.A.D. of starting the rumor in an effort to “smoke out” any information that might actually lead to his capture.

It has been reported that Santa was sighted in a dingy bar, swilling beer with moderately attractive females not long before Christmas. They knew it was Santa because of the way he looked AND the way he just vanished from the establishment when things began heating up with one of the female “patrons.”

It seems that being hunted by N.O.R.A.D. is more than enough trouble for the old guy… as he wasted no time in “twitching his ‘nose’ outta there” when a couple of bar wenches tried to pick up on him. I suppose that makes sense as the old saying goes….. “Hell hath no wrath like a woman scorned.” I can’t begin to image the kind of hell Mrs. Claus could loose on his tired old ass if he came home with lipstick on his collar AND smelling like booze.

Rest assured folks, as diligent as our National Security is, and as well the relationship within the international effort called N.O.R.A.D., I have no doubts that they will resume their Santa Hunt next year.

SANTA STILL AT LARGE!

2005-11-21T10:00:00.000-08:00

It has recently been established that the notorious Santa Claus is still at large. Parents be advised.

Though it is that Santa Claus has continued to "slip the noose," N.O.R.A.D. has not lost spirit in their efforts to contain the holiday menace.

A spokesperson for the security agency has assured our people that the hunt for Santa will continue and "official Santa Hunting Season" for everyone else will begin on schedule again this year.

You are encouraged to take part in this hunt and are as well encouraged to send email which will be delivered to the scoundrel once he is captured.

"Really give this critter a piece of your mind!" stated the secretary of defense. "We have lived under the yoke of cookies and milk tyranny for long enough!"

You are also encouraged to call N.O.R.A.D. with any information of tips you may have concerning the current where-abouts of the "Jolly Little Elf or any of his accomplices." (Please see the contact information at the end of this story).

With the recent release of information in the press absolving the U.S. military of wrong doing in the treatment and torture of prisoners as well as civilians, the National Security Agency has breathed a sigh of relief in regard to some questions that were brought up pertaining to the humanitarian elements of actually hunting Santa Claus. "Nope... Nope...no..na.. we are all in the clear on this Santa thing.... if we can get the public to believe that torturing people is within the confines of the law... then we have absolutely no worries in regard to hunting down a jolly little fat elf. In fact, we might just hand out a few awards for it."

The pressure has been mounting on the organization known as N.O.R.A.D. in recent months with the holidays upon us. Specifically from the corporate entities that most certainly will benefit from his capture due to their investment in Captain Trademark and Co., as well as some from the J.K. Rowling camp. It seems that Harry Potter wants every last drop of the holiday cheer this year.... any way he can get it.

It is also reported that many of the more militant female organizations have posted independent rewards for the fat little elf's testicles..... as they are "done with being subjugated by all men in society.... including jolly little fat elves."

There is even rumor of rewards being offered for the capture of the drunk guy in the Santa Suits on the corner and in department stores.

"Any likeness of Santa will bring cash money rewards...." stated the anonymous spokesperson for N.O.R.A.D. "Even the little snow globe jobbers and crepe paper cut outs."

We will keep you posted as this situation develops.

Contact N.O.R.A.D. with any leads or information to the location of Santa and his band of corporate profit pilfering elves;

NorthPole@OfficialSantaMail.com
subject=Looking for Santa

Telephone N.O.R.A.D. with any information;

1-877-Hi NORAD (1-877-446-6723) or 1-719-474-2111

Track the Santa Hunt here beginning November 25, 2005;
http://www.noradsanta.org/

(Photo: NORAD)

Nude Muppet Celebrity Review Raises Millions For Disaster Relief

2005-11-04T13:00:00.000-08:00

Super bowl copy cats must have been huge fans of Ms. Piggy and the nude celebrity muppet review. Who else would have employed the ever so risque techniques developed and employed by none other than Ms. Piggy other than great fans of the art and Ms. Piggy herself?

The recent nude muppet review raised more money for disaster relief than live 8 did for it's charities. Though they are on a very near exact par with the staggering amount of money that doesn't get to the people in need. When asked about it both organizations had similar responses; "If we actually used the money we raise to make things better, we could no longer have such cool tours and shows" said Dopey Rockguy from the Live 8 organization, "and we want to be able to make the rock stars look cool right.... so we can't just fix everything or it will be harder to make them look all humanitarian like through the wreckless abandon that they all end up spending the charity money on anyway."

The muppet people responded similarly;"People think that the puppets do all the work anyway.....so it isn't like anyone actually expects the money to go to good use beyond paying the outrageous salaries and 'incurred' expenses of the 'non-profit' organizations that we all front for..........that's the beauty of 'non-profit' organizations.......we can't be taxed or held responsible AND we can set our own salaries...then just write it off as expense and use it as an excuse through saying in a manner that makes it look like it was unavoidable.....it totally rocks.... but don't tell anyone else...this 'non-profit' thing is a real gravy train...I think that's why the rock stars are getting into it more.....I mean really, does anyone believe that we actually spend that much money making 'puppets?' My grandma could sew Ms. Piggy together for a couple of bucks using crap we get from the second hand store. 'Not for profit?' What a great joke....it's all profit."

This really says allot about where society has gone in the past few years........ mostly regarding the fact that all of these 'college' educated people didn't seem to realize that too much of a good thing is bad for allot of reasons beyond their fat asses and gorging on crap products because 'we got it for free.' Too many people doing it does nothing for the problems and is actually a damaging factor to the economic climate itself.......unless of course you are 'as smart as they are' and simply return the donated money to the places it came from through the purchase of useless crap deemed needed for some reason or another. That's really smart.....it's no wonder they have college degrees....and it's a big secret, too.....they are that much smarter than even the kid with the lemonade stand that knows the difference between real profit and false numbers to boost investment 'value.'

Lamb Chop is so jealous that they dyed "her" green. Reportedly,Lamb Chop was not invitedtothe puppet strip show because no one except the celebrities and their ass kissing entourages were interested in beastiality much less puppet beastiality with a sock pretending to be a sheep.There were, however some guest celebrity strippers that actually demanded to perform with the animal puppets especially, though it is that none of the celebrity "performers" actually revealed any interesting 'skin' until the private show later in the evening.

The event was sponsored by most of Wall Street and Hollywood in an effort to bolster their popularity and stock values.

Ms. Piggy really ruled the evening with her routine around the ever popular Tom Jones song- Love Me Tonight. It was easily the hilight of the entire show... including the private show where she was joined by several 'Hollywood names," both male and female, which turned into a puppet/movie star orgy.

It is hard to determine which are the more sick and demented people. The people that put the evening together or the people that donated to the 'charitable cause.' For $100,000 per plate at the private dinner show, a person would hope that the patron would at least get a video tape of the puppet sex that finished the evening.

All should be pleased to know that absolutely NO alcohol was allowed, thus making it a wholesome experience. It apparently makes the puppet hookers that were there uncomfortable.

Business and Sports; Pig Racing Finds New Niche!

2005-11-02T07:00:00.000-08:00

Pig Races are to become instrumental in decision making for business transactions as well as political decision making on the North, South and Central America's continents.

Not to be left behind, the incredibly efficient hog racing system is rumored to soon be employed within several international relationships as well.

"The Sport of Kings is just to easy to rig and Elephant Polo just moves too slow to keep up with our modern needs" stated Dr. Greasysqueel of the International Bored Business Guy Organization. "It was obvious that something had to be re-established to accommodate so many different wants and needs on the international scene. Hog Racing.... Pig Racing just fit the bill....like a dainty little foot in a glass slipper.... we all just knew that it was the way to go. And it is much more fair than is the common "hooker off's" that we were all supposedly accustomed to for so long."

When applying for the regulatory licensing and approval from the Anti-International Bored Business Guy Organization, the I.B.B.G.O. was actually met with incredible amounts of encouragement as well as many requests for box season seat reservations. It would seem that they have really hit a nerve with the pig racing.

"It already had an incredibly large fan base" said Dr. Greasysqueel, "so much so that ever our sworn "Neverland" enemies were head over heals for the idea.... many of them wanted to participate even, but we all thought that would tip their hand as to their actual genetic make up as creatures on the planet. I should say that such a level of interest in participation has spurred the A.-I.B.B.G.O. to begin to organize such functions for company picnics within their own chapters. It should be noted that our two groups have finally found a way to get over the fact that neither of us are bigger, gluttonous pigs than are the others. There is a certain level of joy in laughing at ones self... isn't there?"

Many other humanitarian groups are concerned that such an activity possesses the inherent danger and risk of becoming an all out war through the competivness between the two pig factions. Both wanting to be seen as the larger pig entity for some reason, which has long been the source of the discrepancies between the two groups to begin with.

"Before you know it, those ol' hog bodies 'll be out their a-forgetting' all about the racin' and just wollowin' around, squeelin', fighten and roottin' for slop over each other. It's really important that we make sure it just remains hog 'racing' and don't go no fuuuuther" said Ol' Ma Curlytail of the A.-I.B.B.G.O.

"Thaaaat's right!" said Pa Gruntanoink of the I.B.B.G.O., quickly concurring so as not to miss out on anything that might be due to such a comment. "We really got to make sure them ol' pigs stay on that race track... don't want no piglets 'er chidrens gettin' all caught up in it.... you seen how bad them race car wrecks can be.... well let me tell ya', hell and got nothin'... ain't got no wrath like a hog race crash! There just ain't no worse kind of ugly sichiashun."

".....and lord save us if they start a puttin' hungry hogs out there!" continued Ol' Ma Curlytail. "They might get faster dogs chasin funny bunnies if thay's hongrey.... but it just ain't a good idea to put a hungry pig on a race track... 'specially with other hungry pigs....."

"Thaaaat's right!" said Pa Gruntanoink "...and it just ain't humane ta' boot!"

There is speculation on making sure that all participating nations abide with current laws and regulations pertaining to steroid use and other chemical, performance enhancement drugs in hog racing.

There is also nearly an entirely new industry developing around making sure that all participatin interests have adequate hogs to enter as representation. This comes as a surprise to many, due to the historically fierce competitiveness and pride element traditionally surrounding the sport of hog racing. The coveted Racing Hog House of Speed has agreed to sponsor an international training program through modifying part of their organization, the R.H.H.S. into a new branch; The International Racing Hog House of Speed. It will apparently bea very rigorous and thorough training and dietary program to be subsidized from various areas, including the bacon/ham/pork products industry, as it has been found that physically active, corn fead hogs yield a better bacon.

"It's all in the 'ntrest o' bein' fair an' equal" snorted Ol' Ma Curlytail....

"Thaaat's right!" concurred Pa Gruntanoink "Just ta make durn good an' sure it's all on the level.... and doncha' go tryin' t' sneak none o' them sissified mushroom sniffers in there.... that just ain't gonna waarsh.... I tell ya' they won't stand a chance 'gainst a trained racin' hog! Just wouldn't be fair t' them mushroom pigs...."

It is expected that the celebrity community is to embrace this activity fully. Even to the point of free appearances for promotion and charities associated with the merchandising and marketing aspects of the sport for the general public.

"It really is quite brilliant" added Professor Mudhole, "the issues get settled and everybody gets to watch as it happens.... even participate at the level of cheering for their favorite pig as well as using the publicity for other purposes. I personally can't wait for an autographed hog racing picture with Tom Cruise and especially with some of those leggier, starlet types. There's just something about a hog and pretty girl... wouldn't you agree?"

Photo; Santa Cruz Fair.com

Nations Capitol To Be Fitted With Mickey Mouse Ears

2005-10-24T14:00:00.000-07:00

Washington- It was hardly believable, but even in the midst of the climbing debts through out the government, Washington voted Unanimously today to fit the Capitol Building and the White House with their very own sets of Mickey Mouse Ears.

Many thought this was going to be for some celebration for something that no one else knows is going on... to actually celebrate... then it was released that it was in fact, meant to be a permanent addition to the nations capitol.

Both Republicans and Democrats were in agreement with this decision... citing the opportunity to work side by side and in an unprecedented move to demonstrate the unity of the United States.

"At first it seemed like a terrible idea" said the presidents media personnel in a statement issued to air just before Wonderful World of Disney's Halloween Special on several of the public networks, "but then we all got to talking about it over lunch and thought it would be a wonderful statement as to our commitment to the United States of America.... besides... we get to write a really huge check for this, too. Think about it, it's really common ground isn't it? Disney? Who didn't go to Disney Land when they were little or at least watch it on T.V.? How could any of us say no? Especially given the fact that Disney is such a behemoth these days that there is really nothing anyone can do except give them allot of money when they play the 'common ground' role in the political lobby. They do have a way of making themselves important, you know."

Several other political personalities were on-site to defend the decision with official statements issued directly from Condaleeza Rice herself;

"It really seems like a wonderful thing.... we will go on Oprah and promote it and everyone will see how happy it will make everyone to have gigantic Mickey Mouse Ears on the nations Capitol Building and White House. With the war and everything, it just seems like we all need a little cheer. What could be more cheerful than Mickey Mouse ears... won't they be cute? There is also a big buzz around the Capitol city that we should all pitch in and buy our own just to wear for a few days after the modifications are completed.

And yes I did say modifications. These will be functional additions to these buildings. Plenty of room to store old documents that need to disappear for at least a little while as well as plenty of room for fund raising dinner parties and the like. And just to stay in step with the national security element and to justify the gargantuan price tag on this crap..... we will be sure and include a secret agent look out post so that everyone in the city will feel safe from terrorists. We are still in negotiations pertaining to which Disney costume they have to wear while on duty... but that can all be worked out later on. And besides, it will make Russia jealous."

Many in Washington think that this will surely be the signature achievement for the current administration which will be talked about for years. Really, there isn't much else they can mention legally, if you know what I mean..... Democrats and Republicans alike are applauding this venture if for nothing more than an unmatched distraction and deviation from reality.

"It should really cover our ass-ets, in allot of ways" said an anonymous elected official.

"I'm going to Disney World!"

The Canadians and English parliament are still quite suspect as they think it is just something to trip up their lobby in the Capitol city and keep them from their fair share of all that free money.

"I assure you" stated Condi, they have been notified of the serious intent of fitting the White House and Capitol Building with Mickey Mouse Ears.... the kids are going to love it!"

Disney has yet to issue a statement.

Hungry Hungry Hippo's Found To Be The Faulty Element Within The E.U.

2005-10-15T13:00:00.000-07:00

"We knew it was risky going in" said T. Burglar of the European Union, continuing with a statement that definitely showed a bias toward the U.S.; "We all knew it was kind of a shaky idea..... it sounds really good on paper... but when you actually try and get several representatives from really old nations to settle everything in a game of Hungry Hungry Hippo's, things just go awry.... as soon as someone looks like they are winning, the first thing somebody else wants to do is steal all of their marbles... then they want to break the game because they couldn't make their hippo eat as fast.... it really boils down to basing things on a consumer economy... you know? Sure, it's Hungry Hungry Hippo's... and that is civilized enough... but it is still about who can make their hippo eat more, faster. Definitely an American influence, there."

As reported today in various Market publications, it has been established that Hungry Hungry Hippo's just does not suffice in the eyes of many other emerging economies for the purpose of establishing subsidies and tariffs. Brazil and India particularly called the process of Hungry Hungry Hippo's inadequate and proposed that perhaps it should be a larger game board... or maybe even another board game entirely.... something like "mouse trap" for instance... "Something a bit more involved" their representative was reported as saying.

It has also been reported that "time is running out" for these emerging economies to respond to the latest proposals from the U.S. (which won the last round of Hungry Hungry Hippo's) to cut global farming subsidies. The E.U. countered with an offer to make Hungry Hungry Hippo's more accessible to everyone instead of just a few large corporate interests... thinking that accessibility might counter the faulty effects of decision making in such a manner.

Brazil and India also scoffed at this prompting many to believe that they just don't like Hungry Hungry Hippo's and want to influence others to change the game entirely. Many suspect their preference to be along the lines of Tidlywinks.

Prince Charles reportedly stated that "The real problem is that their just aren't enough Hippo's on the game board... if their could be more Hippo's it would Rock!" He went on to elaborate "If we could get more Hippo's on the game board and make it so that the game board was secured firmly to the table... as right now in the passion of the play... the smaller standard Hungry Hungry Hippo's game board usually get's banged around and misplaced on the game table.... then it would truly become quite efficient! Gee Wizz the Italians don't mind it the way that it is... they think it adds a touch of life flavor to it having the unstable elements..... and really, the French don't matter that much just because we could get them to snivel about anything just about whenever we want."

When asked how he felt about the current situation more in depth, Prince Charles responded immediately with a very firm direction; "This is how I see it... if we have to come down to a play off from more than one successful Hungry Hungry Hippo participant.. then we should be ready to move directly into a rousing match of Barrel Of Monkeys followed with another tie breaking alternative being Ants In The Pants... perhaps even Tidlywinks.... but by no means should Tidlywinks be the initial decision making mechanism here.... it just is too inconsistent and dependent upon the human skill.... where Hungry Hungry Hippo's is mechanized... it has a built in equality that we see as important."

Many concerned with these new developments have suggested that perhaps all discrepancies following any tie breaking rounds should be settled with Old Maid. This is a particular favorite of many sects within the American/Italian areas, as well as one of the only things that Brazil seems to agree with.

Mexico is upset with Arial and Sienfeld for having lost the opportunity to include an option for Pinata's and a "Hat Dance Off" to be included in these international "talks." It seems they were becoming too overbearing for the other countries in their want to use the stuffed paper mache as the focal point.

Results, Scores and Developments will be posted as they arise.

Hungry Hungry Hippo's, Ants in the Pants Trademarks of Milton Bradley

Drug Agents Can't Keep Up With Growing Plants!

2005-10-13T07:45:00.000-07:00

It was reported today that the Drug Enforcement Agencies within the U.S. have admitted that they just can't keep up with the drug producers and traffickers.

"Who can blame them though, really? Do any of you realize how stoned they must be?" said the leading secret drug fighter guy agent. "I'm kind of jealous actually when I think about it.... all I get to do is smoke the occasional joint... maybe toot a little snow, smoke a little snow cone now and then... those guys... man! They get to smoke TONS of pot! Literally TONS! I'm out here risking my ass for a few dime bags and pipe hits.... those guys get to fly helicopters and rappel... and go for long walks... all while incredibly stoned. How much fun is that... flying a helicopter stoned out of your mind? I WANT A RAISE YOU BASTARDS!"

Though his statement seemed a bit self absorbed, he did make a few really good points. Enough so as to garner a review of his performance for the purpose of getting a raise. The last offer which was reported, was an extra kilo of blow, and three tons of primo smoke for the next ten years.

"That is going to be hard to accept" he said.... "think about it... really.. these guys stand around piles of burning pot... just being stoned and hiking out in nature... no wonder they can't keep up. They don't even use drug dogs out there anymore 'cause it just totally blows their minds. Imagine how much of a trip it would be to rappel out of a chopper while you are that stoned? Now imagine having to do it if you were a dog... a REALLY stoned dog?"

Noone can seem to get the "guys" together long enough for their take on the situation. "Stoned in the woods" isn't a very organized activity and no one wants to go out there when theirs loads of really stoned soldier types with loaded fire arms and a psychological disposition that any inner city individual would envy.

Imagine the paranoia you would experience in the wilderness while being so stoned you can't even keep up with growing plant life? It must be an entirely new time zone if you know what I mean.

So here is my position on this matter;

Plants really don't grow that fast. Drug agents that can't keep up with them must be incredibly stoned. Incredibly stoned agents with fire arms in the woods = This reporter not being that interested in the story enough to get an interview.

What do they do for the munchies? M.R.E.'s?

Fat Old Man On The Worlds Most Wanted List, AGAIN!

2005-10-12T18:44:00.000-07:00

N.O.R.A.D. to use the U.M.S.D.S.D. to capture Santa Claus.

N.O.R.A.D. has again issued the warrant for Santa's Demise this year. This makes for consecutive issuance of similar dictation since the inception of N.O.R.A.D.

As far as anyone can tell, all of the children are still rooting for the sorry old sod... which makes them accomplices to one of the most sought after, recluse, terrorist type figures that has ever been know to human civilization... so I guess that means that no one really needs a reason to beat the hell out of their children this holiday season. The fact that they are helping such a known advocate of many horrible crimes, should be reason enough.

When asked about it, a spokesman for N.O.R.A.D. responded in a confident tone; "Here we have an example of the worst kind of human being. This person ignores the privacy and rights of others more than any established organized government on the planet. He enters homes illegally, and does everything that he can to damage the economy of all of the countries that he has been known to frequent, through leaving free toys in each of the houses. What is further, is that this person has undermined the authority of parents everywhere, as well as the authority of established governing bodies, through a type of unsolicited bribery which proves to enlist the little scoundrels into a well organized networking of affiliated underground supporters. This simply cannot be ignored or condoned by any serious government. Rest assured that we will get him this time."

When asked about the repeated failures in capturing the Jolly Old Elf, Mr. Stiffbritches of N.O.R.A.D. had this to say;

"Those times have all been different. Along with the fact that we now have the worlds most sophisticated tracking system tuned in on him.... our sources have told us that we now have a man on the inside... and what is better, is that "our man" has planted several "Ultra Magna Super Dooper Sensitive Devices" in and around his abode as well as on his person AND inside the bodies of several of his favorite Reindeer. This was a particularly great accomplishment, mostly due to the recent advent of modern technologically superior sensors which are similar to those used experimentally in prisons and on pets. A person simply injects them into the host, and they begin to "transmit data."

Q: O.K., but why is this year really so different?
A: "Firstly... we have never had this much support from the other countries which this Santa character carries out his illegal activities. Then, there is the incredible amount of pressure that is on our ass this year to create some diversion from what is actually going on in the world... not to mention the incredible amounts of money that have been.. uh, hum... "donated" from large corporations with interest in this cause. Besides... most of us think that Captain TradeMark and Co. are really going to set some new standards... and they will do so at the profit of those mentioned corporations.... not like that Santa guy..... and then of course, most of us guys really like the looks of that "Touch My Product" team member. Allot better than a fat guy anyhow."

When asked if he thought this was just a bit zealous... and possibly a damaging element to the children.... Mr. Stiffbritches responded in a rather predictable tone;

"We are doing this for the protection of the children. No one really knows what the fat guy is capable of.... heck.. we don't even know for sure where he lives beyond very short radio receptions from "our guy." Most of us just want to go ahead with Captain TradeMark... at least their team is insured."

Upon further questioning pertaining to the use of N.O.R.A.D. to actually locate and free Santa Claus from his recent captors, Mr. Stiffbritches immediately issued a "no comment" followed with a scratch on his head and a mumbled question as to "Who in the hell could have beat US to it?"

*
This raises particular suspicion with our reporting staff, though no claims or accusations have been made at this time.

*
We most certainly hope to keep you posted as this story develops... but given the secret classification of the material, we can make no promises.

We do incourage you to, and please feel free to contact N.O.R.A.D. with your support and comments in regard to their on going quest to capture this monstrous entity! Email N.O.R.A.D. Public Affairs at;

noradpa@norad.mil

Origins of the Slot Machine Discovered to be Rooted Firmly in "Pull My Finger"

2005-10-11T13:24:00.000-07:00

In news that rocked the gambling world, it has been discovered that "Pull My Finger" is the original inspiration for the concept of the popular gambling device known as the Slot Machine/One Armed Bandit. This was realized when family descendants of the inventor of the Slot Machine, Charles Fey (a one time mechanic in San Francisco), announced that they had discovered some of "Chuck's" early childhood journals as well as some previously unknown and encoded entry's in existing adult diaries from his life.

"We are just as surprised as anyone, really.... none of us ever knew exactly where he got the idea... only that he had a considerable passion for the development of the device. Something really guided his hand. We now know it was love... plain and simple."

According to some of the recently found entries.... Charles Fey had an undying love of the game known as "Pull My finger." His entries from youth regarding long, lazy days with family sitting around or at picnics... and even a few more "risque" bouts "'round t' side o' the church on sundie, me and the fella's would spend each precious moment on the sneak from our sundie school marm... pullin' and laughin' the whole day away sometimes," all seem to be laced with some magical element from a far off place that hasn't been seen since the likes of Mark Twain. Such eloquence and professed adoration in simple forms.... It wouldn't be hard to see the relation and inspiration even if he hadn't documented quite specifically his intention when inventing the "Pull My finger Machine" as he referred to it early on.

His entries are near poetic... the love of his joy and pleasure in the game is unmistakable. Such detail and care to embody and convey even that very essence of "Pull My Finger" which eludes the most deft of scholars in our modern day.

"It is really quite the find" said Steve Wynn of Wynn Entertainment.
"Something like this doesn't just come floating along on the breeze every day. It just isn't something that you sniff out all that often. It is really an insightful and historic discovery. I am honored to have been chosen to read a few passages for todays press conference."

An entry from his early adult hood;

"Aug. 1887-

As we sat today in a field, near the old grove of oak.... spending the day knowing that it was truly beautiful with one another, Mother, Father and I had completed our weekly family championship of Pull My Finger, finding it to be myself and Mother in the "Pull Off" yet again.... with myself having come out on top this time. I found myself hoping that the simple joy of it would continue for ever.

Once the final round for the week was finished, myself holding the title of champion, none of us could hardly wait to begin our next weekly round. I certainly hope that all families enjoy this amount of pleasure in interaction."

Even without the very direct entries that have been recently decoded from the time he introduced the slot machine, a person can very much see the relationship from his earlier life's entries.

"Feb. 1895-

I have finally done it! I have found a way to spread the joy of "Pull My Finger" farther than any person has ever experienced it before. I realize it may seem a bit childish, but it truly is something that I just cannot describe. To have actually captured that boundless pleasure a person always experiences with each "pull" and put it into something which can provide nearly as much entertainment on demand, is due much celebration. I can hardly wait for everyone else to experience it. I call the mechanized contraption a "Pull My Finger Machine" which should suit for all intent and purpose, though as historically has happened I am sure that someone else will find something they feel is more appropriate.

It's workings are really quite simple, and I have found a way to suspend the anticipatory element of the pleasure within "Pull My finger." Though it may seem a bit wicked and of the devil to do so, I could not help but to want to suspend that moment as much as possible... to maintain that moment of joy and pleasure. I have made my contraption in a way that will not complete the very expected action of 'pay off' within "Pull My Finger" every time. It will only "report" when all is lined up quite appropriately to do so. I know this differs from "Pull My Finger" to some extent, being that there is always a report of some sort within the original game, but as I have stated this seems to suspend the anticipation of the "report" which acts to amplify the joy of the game itself. To that I rest my decisions for the augmentation. I have named the machine in honor of things that "report," and chosen to call it the Liberty Bell."

As anyone can see, this is truly ground breaking and a wonderful addition to the historically proud annals of the gambling community.

New Holiday Declared for that "Halmark" void between Christmas and Summer!

2005-10-06T09:13:00.000-07:00

Naked snowman building day? No.

Snowman building day while naked? No.

Skydive your pet day? No.

It is so simple that it is brilliant! The void itself between Christmas/New Year and Summer is to be celebrated itself!

That is the latest from the mucky mucks that decide which holidays to spend your money on. According to Professor Holiday Guy and the National Coalition for Use Our Products, in many surveys around the United States, people found themselves nearly bored to death in those winter months with nothing except Valentines day to help them pretend that they are happy and to spend money.

So with that, it has been declared that from January 3 of each year, until March 31 of each year, every citizen of the U.S. and Canada will officially be in a holiday mind set. They have been instructed to treat each day as if it were the average day during the holiday season. They are to consume and party as if it were near Christmas.

Those that frequent ski slopes and lodges will have no problem with this, but for most of the other people it may prove to be quite the challenge. Quite the challenge that is, until the Corporate Holiday Overlord released the official dictation for ALL business' to function as so.

Hang overs, according to the Overlord, will not only be welcomed in the work place, but will actually be required in some positions. Las Vegas Motorcycle Patrol to be one of them.

"Hell, this is gonna be just like the ol' days" said Dick Vegetable, a retired Las Vegas Motorcycle Patrolman on disability from on the job injuries. "I can remember goin' to traffic court and bein' just as drunk as the Judge. We're really gonna have a handle on this one. Don't nunya worry a bit... just do like we do and everthang 'll be fine."

Already there is a rush to design and produce "perpetual holiday" friendly products.

"This should be quite the boon for the Hallmark folks" stated Miss Rumpledskirt, the head marketing director for Lubricated Toys Inc. All of our people are already in full swing on design for this magnificent opportunity. This should open our market WAY up.... and thank goodness for the National Coalition for Use Our Products introducing Captain Trademark... they should get allot of action in this new Holiday Season."

Some advice from our editing staff; Way to shop. Don't forget to include a card, or maybe Say It With Flowers... just as long as it's Your Way, Right Away. I'm Lovin' it, because Good Things Come To Those Who Shop which makes it all Finger Lickin' Good with a Deliciously Sophisticated New Look. So Think Different and don't forget that it's the Real Thing, and most definitely It's The Cola in The Choice of a New Generation, just because it keeps Going and Going and Going and Going.

When it Absolutely, Positively Has To Be there Overnight, Just do It... Reach Out and Touch Someone... or maybe Fly The Friendly Skies, but Don't Leave Home Without It. It's The Ultimate Driving Machine. So don't be concerned as We Try Harder in The Art Of Performance and We Bring Good Things To Life.

Santa Held Hostage!

2005-10-05T13:56:00.000-07:00

In news that has shaken the world, it has officially been reported that Santa Claus has been kidnapped and is being held in an undisclosed local.

No one is stepping forward to claim this horrible crime, but just about everyone questioned has pointed toward Halloween. "Halloween is just bad news man!" said Officer Sootantie.

It is said that in the demands are specific instructions to sub-contract ALL of the toy making to major toy producers around the U.S. and Canada (as many in Europe have already complied).

There are also demands pertaining to delivery, which have specified several large package delivery companies around the world.

"It really took allot of people by surprise" stated Mrs. Foofypoof, the wife of the inventor of "Snappy Goo (TM)." "Who would be so callous as to kidnap Santa Claus?" she continued. "What could they possibly hope to achieve? How Barbaric!"

"It is a rather large surprise to find that things have come to this in the civilized world" said Mr. Foofypoof. "Is there nothing sacred, anymore? Thank goodness we have Captain Trademark and Co. ready in wings! And I am sure they will have plenty of our patented "Snappy Goo" ready for Christmas morning. Just a sad, sad development. I do hope Santa is released soon."

It has been reported that tensions have been rising on Wall Street with a renagade personallity such as Santa Claus still at large and producing toys in his North Pole retreat. Using NONE of the numerous toy producing companies around the world. Factually, it has been leaked that Santa, Mrs. Claus and all of the Elves have been entered into the worlds Top Ten most wanted list.

Many speculate that this is due to corporate presures and market fluxuation because of such a wonderful thing as the idea of a Santa Claus.

We will bring all of the details as they develop.

Mail Order Halloween "Tricks" and "Treats!"

2005-10-05T13:32:00.000-07:00

Tired of taking your children OUT to trick or treat?

Maybe you want a little more spice in your own Halloween?

The Organization For The Furthering of Cultural Stagnation has come up with a wonderful new service; Trick or Treat -O- Grams delivered to your door.

In the fast pace of our modern society, it isn't hard to understand the growing demand for such a service. All a person/family need do is fill out the Trick or Treat -O- Gram and send it or drop it off at the nearest participating retail/mammoth conglomerate shopping center, and Halloween comes directly to your door.

Full costumed representatives of major candy producers, loaded with treats of all sorts (depending upon your pre-set specifics), show up at your front door as many times as you have requested. Each time being different costumed representatives.

You and your child remain comfortably seated on the couch watching television in your home, waiting for the doorbell to ring. Upon answering the door you will be met with the customary "Trick or Treat" accompanied with loads of candy and "goodies" that you have specified.

There is even a separate service from the same organization, for the adult market group. I.D. is required for this area of the "Halloween at Home" service as are a few other specific requirements.

The O.F.C.S. decided to capitalize on the growing laziness of the modern middle American, in conjunction with the Nielson Media Research group... who have shown a steady increase in their Halloween evening ratings since the launch of an anonymous scare campaign which began to sweep the Nation in the mid/late eighties. Since then, more and more people have found excuse not to be active with their children on Halloween. It seems it just got too scary for the adults.

Unfortunately it will not be possible to obtain the "egging" package this year, as it is still in the developmental stage.

The O.F.C.S. and all major television networks hope that you enjoy this impending onset in American Society.

Santa and the Menorah Hit the Bricks! Captain Trademark is IN!

2005-10-05T12:51:00.000-07:00

No More Cookie Eating Fat Guys!

No More Candle Burning and Funny Little Hats!

No More Whopping Tales about Flying Venison!

This Season, It's CAPTAIN TRADEMARK and his side kicks "Logo" and "Touch My Product (Pictured)!"

In an effort to get to the real truth about the holidays in the United States, the National Coalition for Use Our Products has come up with what many think to be a brilliant marketing ploy. They intend to do away with Santa AND Hanukkah. Replacing both of the time tested sets of ritual around them, with Captain TradeMark and Co.

No more religious connotations will be attached to the holiday season. No more crazy superstitious characters that have nothing to do with spending money.

Santa always wants you to be good boys and girls, Hanukkah is ALL about religious ritual... where Captain TradeMark and Co. only want you to SPEND! SPEND! SPEND! There is no more sugar coating the real goal with allot of silly dingle bells and phony cheer. Only Captain TradeMark and Co. promising to deliver your packages from purchase, directly to your door in time for that wonderful morning (series of mornings for the Jewish persuasion) and IN FULL PERFORMANCE COSTUME.

Santa lives at the North Pole... where Captain TradeMark and Co. reside firmly on Wall Street and can be found in conversation with Alan Greenespan readily.

The market design was initially directed at children and their love of comic hero's. Then it occurred to the marketers that the children aren't actually spending the money... so they juiced the concept up a bit... as you can see in the prototype illustration for one of Captain TradeMark's sidekicks, "Touch My Product."

Captain TradeMark and Co. are specifically designed to be of a neutral quality.... no specific connection to any given religious belief or sect.

In addition, within this campaign it is intended to address the ritual stigmas of Christmas Trees, candles, wreaths, stockings.... in their program, those things can now be anything that the children want them to be. For instance, instead of a decorated Christmas tree... a child could simply bag and duct tape his dog, then throw it in the corner.... the presents that have been purchased will be guaranteed to be under and around the bagged/taped dog Christmas morning. as well, the children could choose their favorite poster or even the shrub in the back yard.

There have been some arguments from the Christmas tree industry, but the larger Conglomerates have assured them that all will make more money through the ease of Captain TradeMark and Company... most surely enough to recoup the estimated sales decline of farmed Christmas Trees.

As well, within the "new holiday rhythm," many see other opportunity for presenting pre-fabricated products to serve as the child's favorite choice as center piece for the presents.

This is expected to expand the Holiday job market exponentially.... creating thousands and thousands of openings for costumed delivery personnel.

Nothing but smiles on Wall Street this year.... and hopefully on your children's faces, as well. All thanks to the N.C.U.O.P.!

In an un-related story it was reported that Santa Claus has been kidnapped and held hostage at an undisclosed location.

"PULL MY FINGER" STILL #1!

2005-10-05T07:58:00.000-07:00

Pull My Finger Still Ranks in Most Popular Pastime's!

It is official as has been established in the 109th Congress, First Session that here-to-with and blazy blah with unanimous consent, that the game of "Pull My Finger" is still the best pass time of the Judicial, Legislative and Executive branch's within the United States Government.

It is apparently so popular that impromptu games have broken out in various public areas around Washington D.C., as well. Including the ever growing popularity of "Pull My Finger" during the seventh inning stretch at home games for the Nationals.

This has become such a wide spread activity, that the oval office has even had to reschedule the Presidents hectic day around what many are now considering a "Non-Contact Sport."

"This here's lot's better'n doin' that yogert stuff... all that bendin' and huffin' and puffin' like a pregnant ol' mare.... "pull my finger" just seems to fit the mood" stated President Bush from the white house.

"It's a timeless and classic game of characters" added Rep. Kevin Brady of Texas. "How could anyone ever get enough?"

Apparently they are correct in such a statement, as it has even been reported that Prince William and Prince Harry have requested Parliament to begin "Pull My Finger" Sessions as both a sort of homage to the Great and Timeless game, as well as providing a stress relief during particularly grueling sessions....

"Canada has been doing it for years as well," said an aid to a Canadian Representative... we just keep it quite.. you know "S.B.D." (wink wink)... it brings long hours of pleasure to many Canadians and visitors there, alike.

The greatest problem with the growing popularity of the "sport," has been the opposition in the form of standard slander and criticism it has received, which many consider a blatant and sad attempt from novelty makers to keep such an inexpensive pass time from gouging their profits.

"It doesn't cost a penny to play 'Pull My Finger' for as long as you want..... and that makes the board game, video game, and novelty manufacturers a bit put out" stated Doctor Soggypants. "It got me through College and Post Graduate... and I have recently gained my Doctorate.... I even used it in street performances... the crowd loves it!"

Several sociological studies are currently being performed to attempt an assessment of just why it is that "Pull My Finger" remains so popular.

As stated from a prominent pop music female performer that has yet to "come out" in the "Pull My Finger" community; "I guess that's part of why it's so popular.... the mystery and mystique around such a wonderfully magnificent social interaction."

GOLDEN TICKETS ALL GONE!

2005-10-05T07:57:00.000-07:00

Thousands have been left with shattered hopes upon the release of information pertaining to the Golden Ticket Lottery for re-entry into New Orleans. Mr. Wonka could not be reached for comment.

"ALL of the Golden tickets have been issued" stated the Department For Golden Ticket Issuance to much despare and even talk of investigation based on favoritism.

"We really didn't know that the Golden Ticket Lottery to go back to New Orleans would be in such demand. Really, we kind of thought that with all of the talk about how terrible things are there, that most people would just want to go somewhere else... you know, like that early scam with naming Greenland and Iceland.... everyone wanted to go to Greenland but not Iceland, because of the hype about "Green-land" opposed to "Ice-land." We just didn't expect such a surge. Maybe there are more people that want in on the coming gobs of money from the government than most people expected.... but I have some bad news for them.... all that money is just going to a select few corporations and entities when it's all told. There's really nothing to be that excited about around all of the dollar signs in the media..." said the spokeman for the newly developed Department For Golden Ticket Issuance (D.F.G.T.I.) "And really, it's still pretty dangerous down there.... no one really knows how many of those genetic mutant Chia Pets are still on the prowl... they haven't rounded them all up yet."

Grousing was fairly common around the milk crate Golden Ticket Outlets which resembled lemonade stands, through out most cities yesterday when news was broken pertaining to the last Golden Ticket being gone. "It's a set up!" "What a jip!" "My dad said I could have one! I'm telling my mom! She know's people!" All fell on the def ears of those members of the D.F.G.T.I.

In an official statement from the D.F.G.T.I. Sticky Palms the Pick Pocket said; "What more could we do? There were only so many 'minted' for distrobution and we distributed them accordingly. There really isn't anything confusing about the Golden Ticket Scam... other than why it still works in 2005.... but that's an entirely different story."

Riot Police had to be called in to quiet crowds in several areas.

Great Barrier Reef Relocation Project

2005-10-05T07:54:00.000-07:00

In light of the falling tourism dollars in Australia pertaining to "diving" the Great Barrier Reef due to "big scarey sharks." The Australian tourism council has reportedly begun a project to relocate the Great Barrier Reef for the convenience of sniveling ninnies that don't have the balls to actually dive it, but seem to think they should still be able to experience it. Most of these mush pie individuals hale from the U.S. and are mostly the children of the Y.U.P.ie generation, though some are of the "upper class" in regard to yearly income (of their parents).

The destination of the relocation is still "on the drawing board" but is narrowed down to one of a few locations... all being converted swimming pools, though only one of which is a "public pool." The for-runner for receiving the Great Barrier Reef has not been disclosed, but it is widely believed to be someone with a large swimming pool and loads of spare cash.

There is also speculation of disbursing the Great Barrier Reef into several locations.... different piece's for different swimming pools which would really help with the over crowding aspects of cramming it all into one swimming pool. This would also open the possibilities of customized vacation packages as well as scavenger hunt excursions for senior centers and grade schools.

A special saw has been developed for the removal process, and the Bush Administration as well as B.P. can rest assured that it will use tons of oil! No less than 10 million barrels for the cutting aspects alone. Though no one really seems to care, the environmentalists will be stricken to know that no clean up of the area is planned nor will be implemented... "Frankly, because we don't have to any more" said a representative of the non renewable energy source council.

Many committees have been formed to decide what to do with the huge crevices that will be left behind when the Great Barrier Reef is removed. The "hot" suggestion at this point is to "just fill it up with our nuclear waste and garbage." As was stated in an anonymous comment from "The committee to Pretend to be Deciding about Important Issues So We Can Get Free Money."

The C.P.D.I.I.F.M. declined further comment on the record, citing the "security sensitivity" about anyone else knowing that they are a fraudulent bunch of sleezeball filth. None would be coaxed into comment even when informed that no one else on the planet believes that they mean any actual good to anything. They unanimously chose to continue their record setting level of self importance and denial.... opting quite publicly, to remain opaque and without commitment to public comment on any issue of import.

Disney is reportedly in a secret bidding war for the rights to damage and display at least a larger part of the Great Barrier Reef than any other business interest involved with the Great Barrier Reef relocation project.

Ice and Digital Toilet Paper lost in A Time Warp/Vortex

2005-10-05T07:33:00.000-07:00

$100,000,000 wasted on un-needed ice and digital toilet paper.

Loads of money was wasted during the Katrina disaster when loads of ice and digital toilet paper were shuffled from one place to another apparently caught up in some time rift.

It is suspected that this is due to the recent MIT gag with the Patriots/Steelers game disrupting the normal string of time. Truckers were sent from town to town with loads of ice and digital toilet paper for disaster relief use, that no one wanted. Time and again the truck loads were "sent on down the line, good buddy."

"We was a gear jammin' bunch o' fools tryin' to get that ice and Digital paperwork where it needed to be... but no body knew where that was... c'mon back!" said "Muffler Bearings" during the C.B. interview which was conducted recently. "Ever time we'd pull in somewhere, they all just 'ud stand there like we was in some futuristic movie 'er somethin'." He squawked into his C.B. mic.

"Muffler Bearings," I said... "You don't have to talk into the microphone... I am sitting right here next to you."

"Aw, don't ruin it for the kids, now... just play along will ya?" he stated.. referring to his pet gerbil and down right FUGLY dog that were curled up in the sleeper cab directly behind us.

"We just knowed that there was supposedly some folks in a tight spot that was needing enough ice for a stadium full of cocktails, and enough digital toilet paper to decorate it, too....over." he continued.

"Well, yeah.. there Muffler Bearings, it was a nasty situation... but I don't think that there's enough booze or digital toilet paper in the world, to have taken care of, it.. come on!" I said in reply.

"Maybe that's why there weren't no one that really wanted it... like it was already a lost cause...... heck, maybe if we just dumped the ice in the ocean.. it could help with that global warming stuff...... hell, we must's idled two or three times around the planet... and that ain't countin' the miles we done on the road... that's allot a' diesel fuel just to keep a bunch of ice and digital toilet paper in a happy place.... roger that?" he went on...

"10-4 Muffler Bearings" I said... "that's load and clear.... what the hell does a person use Digital toilet paper for, any how... come on."

"Beats hell outa me... ssssHoot, we don't make the stuff... we just haul it around. over." He responded.

"So.. tell me.. did you know you were caught in a time rift? What did it feel like? come back." I stated.

"Now that I think about it.... it was like we was stuck in a movie.. no, no... like we was flyin'... yeah.. like we was flyin' one minute and stuck in a movie the next..... we covered miles, that usually takes hours... in what seemed like minutes.... least that's what I can recall... over"

"Yeah..." I said.. "been there.. kind of like somebody put a happy pill or two in you coffee at the truck stop, huh? over"

"Right on the money! I ain't seen stuff move like that since the sixties.... do you think they can bottle it? Heck, they got people buyin' digital toilet paper.... a person would think they could do just 'bout anything. Over." he squawked.

"Big Roger on that one!" Was my response.... not really knowing what the hell it meant....."a person would think that they could.... maybe we should 10-20 for a possible 10-200... 10-4?" I exclaimed... hoping it would retire the interview.

"That's affirmative" Muffler Bearings said as I climbed out of the cab and ran for the truck stop telephone in an effort to regain my grasp on the here and now.

"Yeah... digital toilet paper on the 10-200." I thought.

"What a country."

Lemelson-MIT Program announces the addition of the Harpo-MATIC into the line of accessories available when computerizing your household.

2005-10-05T07:21:00.000-07:00

The Lemelson-MIT Program has reported that with the new development of the Harpo-MATIC, it will no longer be possible for anyone to find any privacy or even the smallest moment of "peace and quiet."

The Harpo-MATIC will be available for the Christmas rush as an accessory to existing household computerized automation or on it's own, as a primary function within new installments.

The Harpo-MATIC is also being developed as a workplace aid for efficiency and "Political Correctness" to insure fair treatment of ALL employee's within it's survey range (which is anywhere in the building AND throughout any existing property boundaries.

Much success has been achieved in the use of standard employee manuals as a basis for the programs "violation mechanism." This was after many experiments with some notable texts and varying results in test areas, such as the bible, Nietzsche's "Will to Power," the Quran, Shakespeare, All Warner Bros. Cartoons, and several movie scripts including "Brazil," "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World" and "The History of the World Part I."

It was briefly considered to employ the use of The Consititution of the United States of America for such programming, but it was quickly assertained that the Constitution is already too big of a joke to yield any amount of efficiency for such. "We'll stick with things like the movie scripts, Winnie the Pooh and Curious George for now" said a member of the Harpo-MATIC development team.

The Harpo-MATIC is made possible as a reality due to a somewhat unique use of existing electronic surveillance and communication networks (world wide), and the bright idea of an overzealous, control freak mother that "just wasn't getting enough respect."

It is essentially a program that monitors activity within a given area (which could soon be the public as well- due to modern satellites), and instantly corrects any mis-step of guidelines set within it's program. It does so with an immediate and pronounced HONK in the 115 decibels range... that is a licensed sample of one of many pre-programed recordings of Harpo Marx's horn(s). That is correct! There are several varieties of Harpo's Horn voices that will randomly cycle as per the computer program itself. When you have "stepped out of line," you may be met with a tiny little bicycle horn honk (at 300 decibels), and you may be met with a very large, Model A horn honk.

There are already models in development which will utilize many other different horn honk voices.. such as the standard 6 volt car horn as well as the standard 12 volt car horn.... all to be emitted upon "violation" in the 115 decibels range of volume.

N.O.R.A.D. has reportedly pre ordered a customized version of the Harpo-MATIC to aid in cutting costs of operating national defense systems as well as the military and U.S. Governmental programs. Though it hasn't been suggested that the existing N.O.R.A.D. will be entirely replaced.... the overwhelming popularity and efficiency of the Harpo-MATIC could prove to make it all but an extinct branch of the United States Government.

It is expected that the standard uses for the Harpo-MATIC will probably remain in the area's of training boyfriends, husbands, pets and employee's through a type of conditioned learning/response method. For instance, if it is that you are sitting at home sipping a beer in your recliner, and you set the beer can on the table without a coaster... you will be immediately met with a 115 decibel discharge of a sample of one of Harpo Marx's horns. Likewise if your dirty undies happen to find the floor and not the clothes hamper..... as well as muttering a distasteful comment, if even under your breath. And heaven forbid you find yourself tempted to "drink out of the carton."

The uses in the work place will prove to be in the multitudes... from insuring that there is no "improper contact" or "improper conversation" that may be seen as politically incorrect, much less harassment. It will also be employed in break areas and rest rooms (you guessed it) to further improve efficiency.

The Harpo-MATIC will be entirely customizable to any given situation and/or dwelling.

Expect to see them in full swing very soon.

"So now you know?!"

Eli Lily and Starbucks Team to Bring the World "Zac-uccino!"

2005-10-05T07:07:00.000-07:00

No longer will people have to sit reading out dated magazines, listening to one another trade polite and over sensitive comments, simply to get some un-identifiable scribble dubbed "signature" on a piece of paper to authorize some prescription medications.

Prozac and other antidepressants (seratonin manipulators) will soon be available in a near over the counter manner for people with an established and consistent usage. Simply approach your regular coffee guy or gal at the local Starbucks and order yourself a double tall Zac-uccino which will provide your daily dosage of antidepressant medication along with all of it's very pronounced and widely known side effects that the F.D.A. continues to ignore.

"Why not?" said a Starbucks representative.... "It isn't like the F.D.A. actually regulates anything anyhow.... the adverse effects of ProZac have been widely know for some years, but the government has continued to allow such drugs to be prescribed in a very 'experimental' atmosphere. Many physicians have likened it to using a machete for surgery. Even as the side effects continue to manifest, as long as they (we) can keep it quiet... we can keep selling it to people..... so with that, knowing that the F.D.A. is really in no position to regulate such things anymore... and knowing that most people really don't need a prescription to get pharmaceutical grade drugs anyway... a few of us "bigwig hobknobbers" got together and decided that the country, and the world, could really benefit from a hot (or iced) cup of Zac-uccino. And what a team, huh? Starbucks just can't be stopped."

This should really be ground breaking for our company as well as the prescription drug world. Imagine the ease of filling your daily medication needs with the pleasure of a nice cup of espresso? Soon, as they envision, anyone with any type of prescription needs will be able to fill those needs from any of their coffee establishments. No more long lines at the pharmacy. No more feeling as though you have been alienated with your need for medication. Think of it! Your daily "medication cocktail" even, in the form of the average cup of coffee, in the very welcoming atmosphere of your local coffee house.

To address the concerns of the "non-medicated" population, Starbucks has issued this statement; "Though it does seem as though problems could arise from mis-dosage or even a non-user being mistakenly medicated... these risks will be at a level far less than even at the pharmacy. Our company in conjunction with many of the major pharmaceutical manufacturers, are devising a system that is virtually fool proof. There will be several different mixtures of powdered versions of the drugs, pre-measured and premixed in most instances... as well as the pills themselves being mixed in with the coffee beans for the visual effect within the bean grinders themselves. There will be no risk of wrongfully medicating anyone, as the "Zac-uccino" machines will be in addition to the already existing coffee service equipment. An expansion of sorts."

While this is all still in the preliminary stages, it is looking as though it is "on the fast track" to actually be implemented. Already within the medical fields, there has begun a movement for the purpose of organizing "patients" into groupings for the ease of efficiency for this program. Many will simply be issued a "Zac-uccino Card" which will function a dual responsibility as "prescription identification/verification" and "payment/debit/accounting."

One of the problems that is foreseen, is the abuse of such a cool program from the direction of the "occasional" users. Those that obtain prescriptions sporadically.

This could prove to be a real downer for those of us that would love to just be able to "walk in and tune out" as it were, in the spirit of the great American passtime of power lounging and binging on sedatives and pain killers alla Rock Stars, Beat Writers, Comedian Personalities, Jack Nicholson, Crispen Glover and Johnny Depp.

More on this as it develops.

Death Metal Tapped to Re-score Fantasia

2005-10-05T07:06:00.000-07:00

In what appears to be an effort to give the worlds favorite cartoon rodent a particularly nasty set of fangs..... the U.S. governments Secret Executive Branch in Charge of Animated Publications and the National Fiscal Security in conjunction with Disney Studios, has tapped Metal Legend Alice Cooper and the Thrash/Death Metal band Slayer to score a re-release of Fantasia which will accompany the year long opening marketing campaign of the newest Disney theme Park in China.

The S.E.B.C.A.P./N.F.S. apparently has some concerns with the Disney image appearing too soft in the eyes of Chinese business people... thus making the U.S. seem like an easy target on the "business battle ground." "Besides," said Officer Battlebrain of the S.E.B.C.A.P./N.F.S., "if we start having too cozy of a relationship with Red China.... well... geeze.... who else can we say are the bad guys? And really, if you step back and look at it..... Disney is for sissys! What kind of message are we sending to the commies? 'Oooh look at us! We are a bunch of sissys!'..... that just don't wash with a true American's self image, now does it? That mushy, hand holding 'it's a small world' sissy stuff just don't sit right...... and we got some real good stuff lined up for the sub-titles, too!"

Disney has yet to issue a statement, but Mr. Battlebrain was at no loss for words; "Will you just think about it for a minute..... what do you think they are going to think when they see the mighty U.S. represented with a sissy cartoon mouse? If you were one of those blood thirsty heathens, what would you do? I'll tell ya'! You would rape and pillage and thieve and steal and pillage all that you could... hell I would!"

The A&R reps for Alice Cooper and Slayer both responded in a positive tone... citing the challenge of really putting a new spin on a much loved classic. Slayer has apparently been working on some lyrics for some time and issued some "working titles" of some of the songs... mostly loosely based in the Disney theme;

"Bibbidi Bobbidi Booo &*!# *&%#$, Now Die!"

"It's a Small, Mangled, Bloody, Maggot Ridden World"

....and an instrumental that they have titled "Rivers of Magical Rodent Disease and Intrals.... Die, Kill, Die!"

It was also leaked to the media that these bands were not the first choices... apparently this project has been in the planning for years and G.G. Allen was initially slated to perform the duties of scoring the re-releases for the "commie world." As many know this is no longer possible due to his highly expected, though untimely demise.

Mr. Battlebrain stated in closing; "That Geege fella' would have really scared the pants off 'em.... but I'm pretty derned pleased with the fella's they got on the job now. It'll sure show 'em a thing or two!

...and on a person note, I just want to let China know that it isn't personal... we in the world of war making are still very grateful for the great gift of gunpowder.... oh, the ease of blood shed..... let us bow our heads for a moment of silence in appreciation........ thank you. That will be all. Now get out there and chase down some skirts, boys!

Dismissed!"

Congress Convenes at Wishing Well.

2005-10-05T07:05:00.000-07:00

Washington - Members of Congress as well as other executive branches of the U.S. government met in secrecy last week at an undisclosed wishing well.

The purpose of this highly classified meeting was in the attempt to actually do something about the recent problems plaguing the U.S. including the record high international trade deficit- hoping that it all would just magically be taken care of, and of course in an attempt to look like they were fulfilling their duties as elected officials of a considerable governing body.

It is reported that all of congress and much of the White House executives met at the secret wishing well, and all of them, on a count of three flipped a coin into the shimmering yet murky water below after promising that they would each wish for the trade deficit to be reduced.

They didn't report the "meeting" for a week because they "didn't want to jinx it" said Condoleezza Rice in an official statement pertaining to "Operation Wishing Well" as it was dubbed. "unfortunately," continued Rice, "it seems to have worked backwards... in some respects... unless someone 'wished wrong'.... that is, went against the agreed simultaneous wish."

When they convened again to discuss the results of their ploy, Chairman Nussle of the House Budget Committee showed up in a brand new Hummer with a "Magic Kingdom" mural painted on it sporting a tinker bell and all, out fitted with a Christina Aguilera look-a-like in the passenger seat... Hilary Clinton "no showed" and could not be reached for comment due to a surprise vacation to the Bahama's in a brand new Camero.

"Obviously," stated Rice, "something must have gone wrong... or then again, maybe right depending on how you look at it.... now, if you ladies and gentlemen will excuse me, I have a date with Brad Pitt. Who knew it would actually work? How is my hair?"

"Operation Wishing Well" has been officially classified as "on going" in the effort to continue the unchecked opportunities to procure un-declared personal gains.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is reportedly furious that state Governors were "not invited to the wishing well thing," as was Alan Greenspan for similar reasons.

Chelsea Clinton to pose for Hustler Magazine.

2005-10-05T07:04:00.000-07:00

She got the idea while at a Dentist appointment. The epiphany occurred when he asked her to "say ah." It reminder her of the type of photography usually used in Hustler and how she had always fantasized about posing.

It is reported that she has been having trouble "socially" as well, and on advice from her "personal counselor" to "break out of the mold which society is constantly trying to confine you in," she has opted to follow this life long dream. "Besides," she said, with my new international consulting position already in the bag I haven't been able to get any "action" lately... it seems that a woman of my pre-fabricated stature is too intimidating for most men. And" she continued, "do you know what it's like for a young lady to be seen as less sexual than her parents? You don't KNOW pressure until your mother and father are tapped as representatives for sexual products. They are OLD... eewww Ick.... my mom is OLD... I walked in on them once.... but thankfully they weren't by themselves... that would have been too gross."

When asking if she thinks she will have any regrets about posing for a "skin mag" with the reputation that Hustler has, she replied in a very confident tone; "I think it would be worse if I just did the "naughty picture" thing with some guy, and then they showed up somewhere. This way, I get to pIck which pictures actually get out there, and I get paid for it BEFORE I have to take someone else to court. And I'd rather do it when I'm young and nubile.... something to at least look at, you know."

After addressing the fact that her father was recently offered a boat load of goats and at least as many cows for "her hand," she responded quite predictably in the manner of knowing she "was worth WAyyyyy more cows, at least.... and this magazine spread should get them.... but I should get to keep them, not my dad... he's just for college money and things like that..... and his secret service guy is sooo cute..... Oh! MY! God! Too bad he doesn't have any goats or cows. My secret service guy is old... eww. Ick."

Harpo-potamus Rex Un-Earthed Near Dead Sea Scrolls!

2005-10-05T07:03:00.000-07:00

"Putting the archaeological and paleontology worlds into quite the mind frame of puzzlement, and threatening to overshadow the spotlight on evolution from primates," a small crew of archaeologists stumbled upon what has proved to be quite a "shocker," reported the Society To Poke AroUnd Old Scarey Lizard Bones.

While searching for relics from aroUnd the same age as the Dead Sea Scrolls, the small dig happened upon proof of what many thought to be merely a creature which existed only in stories. The Harpo-potamus Rex. A full skull was recovered from a small wash after a large rain storm in the area.

The Harpo-potamus Rex posses many questions to the "learned" societies of the world. Firstly, where exactly did the genetic strains find divergence. Then further, how does this relate to the theory of evolution as it stands? If it is that such a pronounced relationship provably exists between the Harpo Marx genetic strain and the Hippopotamus genetic strain, then many more questions are yet to be answered pertaining to the idea of humans having evolved solely from the primate "tree." What is more, is that this find proves the existence of very close relations between humans and the pre-historic era beyond the neolithic stage.

To address this find, a very well known expert on paleontology and anthropology, Mr. Lookahere issued a statement;

"It is undeniable!" Exclaimed Mr. Lookahere. "Look at the distinctive horn on the snout..... the Harpo hair follicals. Entirely open and shut regarding the divergence of Harpo-potamus Rex into two individual strains."

"This historic find has long been awaited.... though none expected such a clue as a "missing link" to the origins of man as being so non-monkey like... not to mention as extremely funny as having a direct genetic connection to Harpo Marx," He continued; "It is that such a find should prove beyond description in value pertaining to mapping the origins of the human species."

It would appear that some time before the age where-in it is thought that "Lucy" existed, and even further both geographically and in a time sense than the most recent altering discovery of "Toumai," the Harpo-potamus Rex not only existed but thrived. It was sometime in the late dinosaur age that the genetic divergence is thought to have taken place. Thus producing the genetic line which gave the world Harpo Marx and the genetic line which produced the modern hippopotamus.

If it is that the specific point of divergence could be "nailed down," much more could be learned immediately pertaining to the human species.

There are several other really interesting attributes aroUnd this discovery. The Harpo-potamus Rex was a veracious carnivore, which explains the obvious survivability of the Harpo Marx strain.... as the hippopotamus is very much a vegetable/plant eater. Another obvious directions within the divergence, is that the hippopotamus lost the ability to "honk" and as all know, the Harpo Marx strain not only retained it, but used it considerably well... with even more efficiency than did the Harpo-potamus Rex. The Harpo-potamus Rex having depended on the "honk" entirely for it's survival in both the aspect of solely "honking" it's prey into submission, as well as in defensive measures.

There has been recent talk of utilizing modern embryology to "re-animate" a Harpo-potamus Rex purely for the purpose of study. This being done through cloning using samples from the Harpo-potamus Rex find, and the hippopotamus embryo.

"All are quite excited about this find," said Mr. Lookahere, "Except Bubbles, we are told... it seems he is entirely green with envy."

The S.P.A.O.S.L.B. has declined further comment pending the results of the embryonic cloning, which we will bring full coverage of.

Patriot Act Expanded to include the regulation of Gumball Machines!

2005-10-05T07:01:00.000-07:00

The Nevada Gaming Commission overwhelmingly accepted the expansion and adoption of the Patriot Act into gaming areas, including the regulation of gumball machines. It seems that the risk of "exchanging super secret terrorist spy information stuff" in the form of gumball machine bubbles ranks in the upper 10% of national security concerns.... right behind the monitoring of television viewing and public library activity for the purpose of "combating terrorism."
The Nevada Gaming Commission has volunteered to be the front lines of introducing such security measures to the rest of the country. This was affirmed when Governor Kenny Guinn gave an unmistakable "two honks/happy face" on Harpo's "non-existent" horn at a recent press conference pertaining to the intention of the Nevada Gaming Commission's over all plan to modify and employ the already over bearing laws of the U.S.A. Patriot Act for use in Nevada, as well as the rest of the United States in regulating gumball machines.

Apparently the original Patriot act as well as this most recent adaptation have gained momentum with the recent success in the governments secret acquisition of Harpo's Horn. "Besides," said Guin, "we have to use it for something else for awhile.... the Patriot act, that is....before the antitrust and fraud get so far out of line that we even have to shred the whole damn alphabet just to keep things tidy..... we need to let it cool off for awhile."

It would appear that it was just becoming too much for the middle aged and little old spinsters to have to see the pure and simple joy on childrens faces when depositing a coin and getting a useless trinket EVERY TIME. "It just isn't fair!" said Ms. Allotta Firmlegga, a former "dancer" and show room girl turned Nickle Slot Machine Jockey with her "growing years," in the Las Vegas area and Reno areas.

"I spend hours at a time... sometimes even days at the same machine...pumping nickle after nickle after nickle into it.... hardly ever winning a thing..... then you walk into the super market and see some snotty nosed kid put a dime in a machine and get a jackpot INSTANTLY.... it's rigged, I tell ya'! Rigged! Why are they so special!?.... it isn't fair! Thank God for the free booze... or I just don't know what I would do..."

So as not to allow the situation to appear to be a simple concern of old ladies being jealous of children and incredible losers to boot.....or one of covering up hack work, office employee skimming, the gaming commission has opted to address the issue in the same "suit" as the rest of the country, including the Federal Government, and has attached the catch phrase "combating terrorism/war on terror" to the over all project.

"You see," says Mark A. Clayton of the gaming control board... it isn't really the gumball machines in the urban supermarkets that are the big problem in regard to "super secret agent terrorist message" exchange.....it's the ones that are in the "out of the way places" such as Jackpot and Winnemucca, which may be used to pass information to the "Alfalfa Qaeda." The urban gumball machines are already monitored most every hour of the day just because of the little old ladies being jealous and wanting the prize that the children always get.

As soon as we address the "super secret agent message passing thingy"... we are going to look into a few cases of young, middle aged, and old ladies actually having mugged children to gain possession of their gumball machine prize. Doing so while violating terms of probation such as skipping their court ordered gamblers anonymous meetings. There have actually been reports of "Gangs of Grannies" perpetrating these assaults. In some instances, where the middle aged/lonely old lady has been successful enough on her own, she/they then hire out the "dirty work" of strong arming the toy prizes from the children. All perpetrated with carefully wrought justifications in the spirit of exercising denial along with simple, distasteful, greedy behavior. And in the recent months, each attack has been accompanied with several Harpo honks and a brow beating granny look which has authorities baffled. Many times responding with one long Harpo honk and a "what did you say" look...then moving into an "I should take you to jail anyway" look, punctuated with one small honk.

Howard Hughes, Elvis Presley, Benjamin "Bugsy" Siegel, Jimmy Hoffa, Frank Sinatra, and Francis Farmer...... could not be reached for questioning. Though we managed a response from an Elvis impersonator around 3:00 a.m., Sunday; "As 'dat stinky guy, what wuz in 'dat movie said- 'Dead men ain't got no tails!....or somtin' like 'dat. Here, have a flyer for free booze at the strip joint!"

Steve Wynn was having special time with Kirk Kerkorian, Jerry Lewis and some guy in a Mickey Mouse costume.

Ms. Piggy responded with one huge Harpo honk, a karate chop and a "don't touch me" look.
It can be safely said, that we can now all rest assured that we are safe from the use of gumball machines to promote terror within the United States, Canada and much of Mexico.... it should be said that our next concern may well be the fights within the civilized world, over who gets the Harpo horn, and for how long.

My monies on the old strippers (even those that are now Wives and Ex-wives of Hotel C.E.O.'s)... for now anyway.

Two Honks with a "wink/nudge!"

Harpo-potamus Rex Successfully Re-Animated through Cloning!

2005-10-05T07:00:00.001-07:00

For months now the collaborative experiment between the Embryonic Super Secret Lab and the S.P.A.O.S.L.B. to clone and re-animate harpo-potamus Rex has remained top secret.

Until now, it was only thought that such an experiment would take place. The photo and brief commentary issued to the press has rocked the entire community, if not the world.

Much is to be learned about the origins of the human species and life in pre-historic times through the study of the living specimen of Harpo-potamus Rex.
Much is already coming to light about the life of this somewhat unique dinosaur... it's eating habits for example.

It was long thought that because the Harpo-potamus Rex was/is a carnivore, that it was an apt hunter. This has proven not to be the case. Factually, it has been found that this creature was quite lethargic in it's activity and it ate in very much a seasonal manner. Wondering around and "foraging," even in water ways.

It has been proven that the Harpo-potamus Rex used it's horn in submission of prey, but the method which actually was employed has brought new insight into the pre-historic age and their daily life.

As it has turned out, the Harpo-potamus Rex was equipped with a rather unique "squeeze bulb" at the end of it's tail... which could and was used to "honk" the creatures horn, though not entirely independent of it's cardio vascular system. The entire herd was dependent upon the calves within it for much of it's sustenence.... as the calves would teethe using the squeeze bulb at the end of the cows tail, the honk would annoy any creature in the area quite literally, to death.

This incessant honking would go on for 24 hours a day, sometimes years at a time. Each cow would only have one calf in it's lifetime... and it appears that the squeeze bulb would only last as long as it took for the calf to grow their enormous teeth..... ending in a shredded, slobbery mess at the end of their tail.

The "bulls" of the heard would keep their "squeeze bulb" longer, though entirely dependant upon their success in the daily "honk off's" which are akin to the head butting and "rutting" actions of modern animals. It is that these contests differed in the effect that the "loser" would be the Harpo-potamus Rex who's horn got honked in the "honk-flict" between the bulls. It is thought that sometimes there were even "gang honks" of multiple "bulls" honk-flicting with one another for mating rights and food.

Envision a herd even larger than the historic herds of buffalo, all honking in the 300 decibel range for months and years on end? No hunting was necessary as other creatures would just drop dead as the calves teetheed and the "bulls" fought. There-in providing ample food in the area which they traversed.

Quite sadly, this is also thought to be part of the reason for their ultimate extinction, though after the genetic divergence into Hippo's and Harpo's. all that dead flesh around seems to have brought loads of other carnivores into their immediate area's, and it doesn't take a genius to figure where it went from there. Big slow honkers, versus big hungry, mean, scarey lizards.

It has been established that the Harpo-potamus Rex had incredibly bad hearing.

Mr. Lookahere could not be reached for comment as the intensive care unit only allows family and close friends for visitation purposes. He is expected to make a near full recovery laced only with a slight obsessive compulsive twitch due to the brain damage incurred while studying the Harpo-potamus Rex's horn a bit too closely.

Bubbles showed extremely poor taste and very primitive actions in acting out it's jealousy with a fresh hand of defecation hurled in the Harpo-potamus Rex's direction upon one of the few private viewings of the early days of the Harpo-potamus Rex.

Bubbles was allowed such viewing in an effort to quell the reported jealousy in hearing of the alternate genetic divergence.

Harpo's Horn Proves Invaluable!

2005-10-05T07:00:00.000-07:00

World Wide Press - In what many have noted to be the most successful covert operation carried out by the "black" forces contracted by the C.I.A. in some decades.... rivaling the level of achievement attained in the cold war era, George Bush senior has issued a statement officially denying the plot, possession of, or use of Harpo Marx's horn.... he did so with "One Honk and a frown," after being asked if he knew the where abouts of the prized, hand held, squeeze bulb horn or if the C.I.A. had anything to do with it as many suspect.

It seems that through years of close investigation and much effort from the acclaimed "spy organization," one of the long term goals has been met with great success... that being the capture of Harpo's horn. More that we know of Harpo's horn having been captured, though none have stepped forward to claim this magnificent "job." The Russians have yet to issue a statement, but many think it will be "Two Honks and a happy face" in a sad attempt to hide their envy and to try to lay claim to the stolen horn themselves.

House Majority Whip, Roy Blunt has "un-officially" requested that the Horn be employed in the House of Representatives.... particularly in place of his "old wooden hammer and long periods where I have to talk allot," that quote; "it just isn't that much fun to bang my hammer around and yammer on for hours, any more."

Hillary Rodham Clinton was reported as saying off the record; "I would like to see Roy with a big horn.... it seems like it would compliment his whip rather efficiently." She continued..."besides, if he had it in the house... I would get to squeeze it now and then... especially if I was on the floor...."

In a recent press conference related to the clean up activity of New Orleans.... many reporters could not help but to address the issue of the C.I.A.'s apparent "score" in regard to Harpo's Horn. President Bush could hardly contain himself with several "One Honk/happy face" replies, through a few "One and Two Honk/sad face" replies pertaining to New Orleans.

The entire nation is to act as though they are totally baffled and without the faintest clue as to what anyone is talking about..... such is the dictatorial order sent down from the White House punctuated with a firm "three Honks/scowl."

I suggest with that, that none take it entirely too lightly.

Russell Crowe to Star in New Reality Series Based on $1 Site Porn!

2005-10-04T23:48:00.000-07:00

In an industry shocker, Russell Crowe's management have revealed his intentions to star in a new reality series this fall. The series is based on the ever popular $1 site porn concept of "mall chick in a car." The difference being is that it will star Russell Crowe and with that, no one has to pay the chicks $20 bucks to get naked and have sex in a moving vehicle while being filmed. They won't even have to troll malls to find barely legal but incredibly stupid females for the parts.... factually there will be hoards of them at the "local auditions."

When asked if this were just some ploy to resurrect and justify the "casting couch" atmosphere of the entertainment industry, the leading spokesmen for the S.A.G. organization responded through choking laughter; "resurrect?.... Justify? What century do you live in? Doesn't something have to no longer exist BEFORE it can be resurrected? Get some facts for crying out loud. It never went away."

Not to be outdone, Carrie Fisher is rumored to be in negotiations to make guest appearances throughout the first two seasons of this new reality series, dressed in full Star Wars "Princess Leia" garb and make up (for as long as it lasts per appearance).

When questioned in person about his decision, Russell Crowe stated "At first I was sceptical... but when I asked my wife about it, she seemed to think that it might be a good outlet for the side effects of the extreme doses of steroids I have been ingesting in short amounts of time..... you know, sex is an incredible work out... and sex on steroids is like having 'make up sex' and 'hate sex' at the same time. Besides I love to travel... AND I love to have sex... how could you beat having sex while you travel? I should include some 'props' for the $1 site guys as well... we are considering getting a few of the better ones for some guest appearances....you know... to show off their 'chick bagging' skills."

When asking from where the idea for such a "reality show" came from he responded in a very confident tone; "Look at it... really... the concept itself is brilliant! You troll the malls for barely legal chicks (or any other for that matter) that obviously have nothing between the ears (if you know what I mean).... then you play on some fony ploy about independent decision making... maybe even the ol' 'I can make you famous' shtick... perhaps a few other blatantly false promises... amplified of course beyond the normal 'night club/can I get in your pants' stuff..... and then we were hoping, because of my celebrity status, that we could save the twenty bucks per chick and lower the production costs of the show. It should be a snap in the Southern California, Third Coast/Florida areas... there's already a list of prospective 'starlets' longer than my very famous 'third leg' in the Houston, Texas area...and that's a really conservative area. We already have guarantees from several networks simply waiting for us to put it in the can and ink the deal.... I'm tellin' ya, the $1 site stuff IS HOT! We even have the public networks wanting a 'softer version' for prime time broadcast...but that could prove a conflict of interest with the cable war we hope to insight."

When asked about the risks of being seen as a "womanizer" Mr. Crowe seemed none to concerned; "Look. It's obvious that the chicks dig it. There is no shortage of the $1 sites and there are no two $1 sites that sport the same footage, much less the same 'amateur' girls. These aren't actresses. This is an every day representation of the mentality of the American female. How could it be more of a 'reality' show? It isn't just white chicks, it isn't just black chicks, it isn't just Hispanics or Asians....of all ages.... and there is NO end to it. Every week there are new girls on these sites... you can't tell me that they haven't agreed to it? Especially when they contract with the production company. How could that be womanizing? They dig it! Of course, in the interest of my personal and professional reputation... unlike many of the $1 sites, we won't be placing and making degrading comments pertaining the 'young ladies' with the published footage. That would just be in poor taste..... this is Emmy award stuff, at least. Bigger than Mel Gibson's Jesus, for sure."

The "Dirty George" revealed as the origins of the Thong Bikini!

2005-10-04T23:42:00.000-07:00

Breaking News!;

After a long interrogation of a captured illegal Brazilian immigrant, long thought to be of the terrorist network that introduced the thong to the American public.... it was revealed that the true origins of the thong actually trace to a personal bad experience that the Brazilian gentleman had in his youth.

Apparently, according to his account.... he was tortured for information allot by the local village governments as a child, and frequently would receive "Dirty Georges" for extended periods of time. So long in fact, according to his testimony, that eventually he "would just start wearing his underwear [i]WAY[/i] up his butt crack" of his own volition. "But I'm not gay" he added to his testimony... "really..... no really...and one time they gave me such a bad Dirty George that they pulled my underwear over my head, backwards! I had to pop my neck out of joint just to get them off that night."

It is also believed after having been informed of this information, that the Pentagon is investigating the connection of the "Dirty George" and all other humanitarian violations on the planet .....breathing new life into their investigation from thirty years ago pertaining to a question of connection between the popularity of the "Dirty George" and a conspiracy to influence the American markets through selling and using more stain remover.

"It makes sense" said a spokemen from the Pentagon... "It makes sense that the Brazilian Gorilla forces would pick up on American interogation tactics..... then from there.... if you consider the introduction of mind altering drugs.... a person could see where the thong Bikini would make perfect sense coming from the Dirty George in the hands of notorious Brazilian illegals and thugs."

When asked why they sought a connection between the Dirty George and all other humanitarian violations on the planet, the Pentagon responded "Why not.... everyone else has a lame excuse. The Dirty George seems as valid as any when you think about it."

When an anonymous stripper in Miami was asked if she was aware of the origins of her "sexy undies" design.... Her immediate statement was; "as if...? Everybody knows that..... isn't it obvious when you peek down the back of someones pants and all that there is looks just like you just gave them a dirty george? My neighbors pet monkey could have told you that. Now drink up or get out!"

Michael Jackson could not be reached for questioning.

T.V. Dinner Mammoth Lands James Beard Award

2005-10-04T23:30:00.000-07:00

In an un precedented coupe within the culinary world, Pinnacle Foods Corporation was simultaneously issued the James Beard Award for Culinary excellence and it's "first" Michelin Star, yesterday.

Pinnacles spokes woman issued an official statement citing the fact that "this award has been a long time-a-comin'... and most of us have been-a rootin' fer her since it all started back in '53.... and today, by the grace of the all mighty dollar, we have finally achieved what Swanson set out to do those 50 some years ago..... and we are proud to announce that the original T.V. dinner item of turkey, cornbread dressing, and gravy; buttered peas; and sweet potatoes... has finally gotten the recognition it deserves here in the U.S. with the great honor of the coveted James Beard Award for culinary excellence.... we are even more pleased to announce that simultaneously, through great and mysterious forces at work in the universe, another of our popular "menu items" the Salisbury Steak meal, has earned our company the most prestigious award of it's very first Michelin Star through out the European Empire! Both of these honors will sit well within our trophy case along side our Star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, and our aluminum T.V. dinner tray in the Smithsonian."

This great social upheaval and it's success has reportedly sent the former (and officially non-existent) K.G.B., as well as the C.I.A. into fits of rage laced jealousy pertaining to the propaganda efficiency of the anonymous and un-affiliated group affectionately referred to as "Our Blessed Turd Burgling Scammers," otherwise known as The O.B.T.B.S., attributing such efficiency in a very "I could have done that" statement from C.I.A. headquarters, to the ease of modern communications. George Tenet was reported as saying exactly what former President Bush said... in a parrot like manner and sniveling tone as "It isn't fair....('it isn't fair') they didn't have to use super secret decoders and Morse code and stuff thingies('they didn't have to use super secret decoders and Morse code and stuff thingies')... and they didn't ask my mom ('and they didn't ask my mom')....Now if you will excuse us('Now if you will excuse us'), we have to watch the National Security T.V. screen blipper thing a ma jig with Condi ('we have to watch the National Security T.V. screen blipper thing a ma jig with Condi')... to make sure that we all stay safe ('to make sure that we all stay safe')... it shows Rudolph the reindeer's nose, too,.... sometimes ('it shows Rudolph the reindeer's nose, too.... sometimes')."

Many speculate that the group itself is a loose based side organization of Microsoft's corporate espionage machine that found they just had too much time on their hands, already having compromised every other group, association, organization, including the classified areas of many world governments, which actually stood for anything that wasn't affiliated with Microsoft. Even more people are surprised that it apparently has nothing to do with the Bush political machine.

In a statement from a hooded individual that likened in appearance to Jihad members "We just got bored, yo! You can only scam so many credit cards... you can only perp so many welfare scams before it just gets old. There are only so many data bases to hack and crack... so we thought we would try our hand at effecting the social climate directly a little... you have to admit... it's quite the accomplishment to devalue not one, but TWO such institutions simultaneously... and it looks like they really won.... like they chose to do it.... it's beautiful, man!"

He then went on to comment "And I will have you know... it is no longer referred to as T.V. dinners... check it! It is now to be referred to as 'Frozen Meals'.... and you can rest assured, that just like politics and their offices, and Hollywood with their entertainment awards... any old hack can now win the James Beard Award AND get a Michelin Star, as well! There is no longer a talent or quality standard, there is no longer a prestigious meaning, a social accomplishment.... just... well.. you know... who you know... call it a sign of the times."

(Photo courtesy of the United States Library of Congress)

Oil over $65 dollars per barrel, Naked Twister to Blame!

2005-10-04T23:10:00.000-07:00

NEW YORK - Oil prices jumped by almost $2 a barrel on Wednesday after the government reported a drop in U.S. oil inventories last week. Analysts said this was due almost entirely to the celebrity populations recent infatuation with Naked Twister ("Twister" a Hasbro Trademark) and the mind boggling amount of oils that are consumed in such an activity. They also expect U.S. oil demand to continue to increase as the celebrity population is considering public displays of Naked Twister to benefit the victims of Hurricane Katrina and as the nation recuperates from Hurricane Katrina. After some moments of speculation, the analysts extended this forecast in light of the amount of time the nation will need to recuperate from witnessing the celebrity Naked Twister matches... not to mention the shock to the entertainment market when such boughts are issued on DVD/VHS.

Many speculate that the more difficult recoveries are going to be from having to actually see Oprah Winfrey naked, all oiled up and contorted during her match ups. The analysts are betting that the pharmaceutical industry is going to reap a windfall from psychological damages that such harrowing exposure is going to impart upon society.

These numbers had to be adjusted when it was found that the massive amounts of bourbon being consumed at these private Naked Twister events DID NOT qualify as gasoline... nor did the near tonnage of high grade cocaine being devoured equate to "coke resins" or any petroleum based resins.

For this little oversight in the celebrity populations bid to influence the American and World oil markets, as well as the over all stock trade.... Allan Greenspan ordered severe spankings for those celebrities involved and demanded that Celebrity Naked Twister go public to "right the great wrong which they have done," he was quoted as saying.

The celebrity population has responded with a plea bargain of sorts, asking that the worlds oil companies unite under the British Petroleum company in return for their services over a fifty year period in not only taped and broadcast Celebrity Naked Twister matches, but personal appearances for the executive employees of the oil companies that will have now been under the B.P. umbrella. This would serve to give them all something to do with their business day besides shuffling papers, pretending to be busy, plotting their own world take over and writing off their personal exuberant debts. It would also eleviate the need to come up with what they think are creative ways to justify the outrageous price of oil.... everyone now knowing that it will be entirely due to the Celebrity Naked Twister and the ensuing social craze and home versions that will become more popular than charades and board games.

In Time For The Holidays; iPOD FOR PETS!

2005-10-04T23:00:00.000-07:00

Steve Jobs announced yesterday, that Apple will launch a line of iPODS directed at the pet market. It will debut with a version designed specifically for owners of Parrots that wish to train their birds to speak without having to put up with repetitious audio blaring throughout the house all day.

The engineers have reportedly opted for an "over the head" type of transducer unit for the birds, since designing very small head phones to "fit their tiny little ears" would prove to be far too time consuming if at all possible. The "over the head" transducer unit will also save the pet owner the trouble of trying to locate those "tiny little ears" when they plunge their unsuspecting parrots into audio repetition hell for the sake of having a cheap party laugh with their regurgitation of the programmed material.

PETA has yet to comment, waiting for the publics response so as not to lose any political ground in opposing something that just might become so popular that chemical experimentation on chimps could very well be re-instituted within the science community.

The designs for other pets are in the workings, including one specifically for chameleons which will incorporate a special frequency program that will make their eyes move and color change in conjunction with the material on the iPOD player... much like the "audio sensitive" motorized novelties that can be purchased at any gag store. This should make for quite the exciting new way to enjoy your lizard pet. The long term hopes for this specific model is to achieve a permanent effect on the chameleons that will translate into such sensitivity to normal every day noises as well.... such as the music playing on your stereo.

The model for dogs is to be geared toward a "training workout" of sorts. the material to be played into their little doggie ears, will directly be affiliated with common commands they are normally taught to obey such as "sit," "lay down," "roll over," "speak." This model will come with a cautionary statement and disclaimer warning the users NOT to leave the pet unattended for extended periods of time, as the "work out" itself could become harmful after several hours of repetition... forcing the mind numbed pet into extreme states of exhaustion and perhaps cardiac arrest.

Cats will be issued a combination of "smooth jazz" and "Muppet reruns," laced with the occasional "meow" of some other cat, as they couldn't really give a shit anyway.

San Francisco Jealous! Wants Disaster Money, Too!

2005-10-04T22:21:00.000-07:00

War Protestors changed their plight on a whim yesterday..... altering their protest signs and slogan from anti-war to "pro disaster relief." This happened when they learned of the amount of money that is going to be awarded to victims of Hurricane Katrina, and as well with the impending storm that is headed for the Carolina's.

Chants of "No More War!" Were altered almost immediately to "We are Jealous, Give us disaster money too!" and one that seemed very popular "Keep your stinking war! Give us a disaster! Give us government money! We want a disaster! Free government money! Give us a disaster!"

Reports are very similar from the L.A., Portland and Seattle areas. It seems that the business classes have been extremely effected by the "it's all who you know" aspect of institutional learning post 2000 A.D., forgetting that reparation contracts are NOT actually profit or productive business tactics regardless of how easy it seems for many to gain large numbers of currency through such contracts.

Many organizations plan on abandoning their standard welfare scams in preference to the more popular version of "destruction relief." One of the protest leaders was quoted as saying "it is just a more efficient way to procure government funds..... it can't be called illegal, and you can get rid of undesirables in the process... leaving society for those of us that are more upstanding and deserving of free government money."

The Bush administration couldn't immediately be reached for comment fearing it to be a trick for the purpose of luring them into admitting impeachable offenses, and as well for fear of giving away their secret plan to continue to pilfer the coffers of the government in the ongoing battle between Republicans and Democrats in the "rotating money grab" which we still call the United States Government for some reason.

The Democrats could not be reached for comment citing many of the same fears (on the hush, of course).... though many are steadily abandoning the far less profitable area of war protest to infact insight a disaster that they can benefit from, in their own areas.

Many began chanting the old Chicago fire song in support of their movement, which soon became the marching song for the rest of the "protest" in a "round robin" of course;

"One dark night while we were all in bed....
Old lady Leary lite a lantern in the shed...
And when the cow kicked it over
She winked her eye and said..
There'll be a hot time in the old town tonight...

Fire! Fire! Fire!

One dark night while we were all in bed....
Old lady Leary lite a lantern in the shed...
And when the cow kicked it over
She winked her eye and said..
There'll be a hot time in the old town tonight...

Fire! Fire! Fire!

One dark night while we were all in bed....
Old lady Leary lite a lantern in the shed...
And when the cow kicked it over
She winked her eye and said..
There'll be a hot time in the old town tonight...

Fire! Fire! Fire!"

Police in riot gear were soon called to the scene where they immediately joined in the chorus when promised their "fair share" of the booty.

On a more positive note, this means that riots should be fewer in regard to such gatherings.... provided the local, state and federal authorities are "in on the action," that is.

Mormons Find Loophole Through Gay Marriage

2005-10-04T22:10:00.000-07:00

Americans woke to the realization today of the sheer brilliance employed within the Mormon religion and it's church.

They have effectively turned themselves from a religious institution to a financial mega-monster in a non profit disguise and It would seem that in the wake of the gay marriage success, the Mormons have found a loop hole through which to continue to defy the monogomous standards of the rest of American society. From initial evaluations it appears that many of the pro-polygamy Mormons have used the legalized gay "unions" to their advantage... going from insisting that their multiple wives are just their "good friends" to citing them as lesbian couples that "happen to live next door, who are, by the way, legally united."

When questioned about this "radical" approach to polygamy, one of the Bishops of the Salt Lake city stake responded; "Given that our (the Mormons) current assets total no less than $30 billion dollars in the United States....and our annual income is no less than $5.9 billion dollars.... and given that once we gave up actually believing in a higher power and went headlong into power and money with our near takeover of Pepsi, ...foresaking our belief structures abstinence of caffeine ....not to mention our recent Gubernatorial success in Massachusetts .....a few of us got together and decided... ah? Screw it! What the hell? The gays and lesbians are going to make so much ruckus anyhow, we might as well use it too. They might even prove to be great political puppet material. Besides, what and who are going to do anything about it anyhow? We have the American religious right on a leash...being the largest financial influence in that arena within the United States... especially given that we are the largest of such "birthed" in the U.S..... and that's not to mention Donny and Marie......I'm a little dubby doobie doobiee..ba dat di doobi la la la la...." he sang as he did an almost Charles Manson like "Charlie Brown" dance which had a seriously disturbing, vacant aura about it.

"Most people aren't familiar with the very radical changes that took place beginning in the late seventies and early eighties..." he continued...."that is when finance really began to be larger in the church than ever before... but really, we had no choice... I mean really? All that money to be made? And now that we look back at it.... not drinking caffeine was kind of dumb, anyways.... and everyone else agrees... so we don't think it a hypocritical stance anymore.... but NOOOOOoo tobacco! That is a line that is sacred!"
.....As he then freaked me out with finishing his statement in a near perfect imitation of Pee Wee Herman; "It is written in our holy word! Ha Ha!"

When asked how they could justify such abuses of the laws that govern the rest of society... and how they could live with such political underhandedness as throwing one political body at another for the purpose of distraction and destruction? The Bishop replied, rather candidly; "Hey, it's a simple case of 'us or them,' but in the way that you either have to deal with us and some soft line Neo-Nazi's(mostly people we say are Nazi's just to keep 'em in line) having a majority of the market and it's political influences.... or you have to deal with Hard line Jews and Neo-Nazi extremists battling it out, Catholics of many denominations and sub sects and their guy named 'Guido the bent nose' tuning on your melon, or some psycho 'cow-billy moron' playing with army men and yelling 'Ye-Haw!' every time the wind blows someones skirt up.... when you think about it.... we really are the best choice... including Donny and Marie... and really, what are you going to do about it anyhow?"

When I redirected the question pertaining to polygamy... the Bishop again addressed it in the same tone.. adding "...C'mon, admit it... you know you are just jealous? Do you want to guess what I did last night?"

I then snarfed my beverage and left the room blushing.

BE AFRAID! O.K. so maybe just be a little afraid... fine then.... just kind of look concerned?

photo copyright 1997