J.K. Rowling to Raffle Off Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling announced her intentions to "be done with the stinking little brats" through raffling the rights to Harry Potter for $100 dollars per ticket/entry. She has stated that she will actually perform the raffle in a manner so that no single person actually gets the rights to any one complete work.

Her publicist has stated that she will separate the works into sections... re-copyright them, and then raffle those sections.

"She tires of all the screaming children... mostly at autograph sessions... but just in general. It has become far too much for the literary genius to handle. It has lead to un-human amounts of sedation/medication for the popular writer and, many times it has been near fatal for one child or another, though no one else would ever know it" continued her representative spokes person.

She has actually requested "special attention" for a few overly zealous children. The kind of "special attention" a person might see in a gangster movie. Though it may be hard to understand, J.K. is truly worn... fringes of sanity.. that is.... and all she knows "is that it is those sniveling, screaming, whining little monsters faults," she was heard to say on a tape recording produced from her spokespersons breast pocket in a fashion that suggested some extra money in his future.

"As you can tell from this small recording (which will insure me a large piece of those copyrights I'm sure), she is quite factually at wits end. She has tried every sort of therapy from smelly things to gang sex... even group sex with smelly things... nothing has seemed to ease her tension. We are pleased within the celebrity world to report that due to this development and as soon as possible, J.K. will become an integral part of the celebrity sex pool."

When asked about this, J.K. Rowling had this to say; "Well... when I really stopped and thought about it... after the money and fame... it was the unbridled sex that really got me interested in fame as an author to begin with. I would sit around the house with not much to do (being on the dole)... and think about all the great sex with famous people that I was missing. Then I managed to get published and find some fame... then huge amounts of money.... but increasingly more difficulties with having allot... and I mean allot of really animal like sex. I can't even go anywhere without being recognized... and then there's the image thing.... if I could get rid of all the screaming little brats and just keep the older though very dysfunctional female fan base, this would be just what I was looking for.... it would be easy to turn the whole children's book thing into a secret society of sexually crazed women under the guise of witchcraft. But... the connection to children's literature makes it a bit too shadey..... besides, I'd like to reap a little now, of the subliminal direction which an entire generation of soon to be young adults is going to be susceptible to quite shortly.... it's just a matter of a few more years before many of my oldest children fans, will legally be 18 years old. I personally don't want to be in the spotlight after that period.... I want to be able to enjoy the real fruits of my labors with all of the other sicko's out there. Yes, it's true... I am sexually drawn to the character of Harry Potter and cannot wait to actually bed as many impersonators from my fan base as possible. It may be a bit Oedipal... but really... it's 2005.. no one really cares. If I can just get rid of the snot nosed brats screaming for attention."

As this information was jotted down in the press conference.... an aged though slightly familiar face from the back of the room managed to shout a few words in question form; "Are you going to do what they did for Elvis?"

"I certainly hope so" she stated in relief after recognizing the aged, anonymous Rocker, "I hope that I can manage it pretty soon... their is so much sex that I am missing and to be un-famous again, with the loads of money I have would just be dreamy. I would be the life of every celebrity party and would even give Paris a run for her money, if you know what I mean... but now... it's too much just to go to the cinema, much less jet set and party hop without worrying about what the filthy little monkey like poop machines will say. Yes." said Rowling, "I hope soon to be as dead as Elvis and just as anonymous and again sexually free."

When asked about the raffle, and whom so ever it may be that she would like to win it... she was quoted as stating; "I don't really care who get's to own Harry Potter... factually it will probably end up being some conglomeration of corporate scumbags, not too unlike those that grovel and bicker over it now. It really won't matter to me, as I will be quite involved in more of my own personal interests than ever before. And I mean ALLOT! Stevie Nicks EAT YOUR HEART OUT! I am going to put Rock Stars to shame!

Now.....

That is all.... and get your filthy little sticky hands off of my brand new dress! ... and go "Jo" somewhere else you rotten little stink piles!"

Warner Bros. declined further comment.