SANTA SLIPS THE NOOSE! Car Jacking Competition Continues.

International News- Breaking the world record time for "jacking" and stripping a car... Santa's car jacking gang was caught here in a photograph at a secret underground competition for "illegal" sporting activities which include cock fights, dog fights, car stripping.... and human boughts.... as well as the hundred yard purse snatch and dash....

Santa was reported as being pleased with his newest team of car jackers. He really looks forward to the release of information pertaining to the progress of his online "Santa-Cyber-Nauti" club and their internet pilfering excursions. Unfortunately, for Santa to get an in depth report, it usually entails the capture, and thus the end of a career, of one of his "Santa World" trainees.

Mr. Squeekingsphincter officially stated that “this type of activity is very much the sort that we seek to end with the capture of this hideous felon. These types of displays are simply a thumb on the nose to civilized communities everywhere… as is the consistent act of covering for the old geezer. Soon enough…. We will have him and his circuit brought to justice… the good kind of justice… you know the Movie Stuff…. None of that mambi pambi litigation silliness… There will be no more fat elves competing with our celebrities’ ratings and time slots!”

As everyone knows by now, the supposed “capture” of Santa Claus by an undisclosed organization has turned out to be a bigger hoax than the ongoing efforts to track and capture him every year. Many suspect N.O.R.A.D. of starting the rumor in an effort to “smoke out” any information that might actually lead to his capture.

It has been reported that Santa was sighted in a dingy bar, swilling beer with moderately attractive females not long before Christmas. They knew it was Santa because of the way he looked AND the way he just vanished from the establishment when things began heating up with one of the female “patrons.”

It seems that being hunted by N.O.R.A.D. is more than enough trouble for the old guy… as he wasted no time in “twitching his ‘nose’ outta there” when a couple of bar wenches tried to pick up on him. I suppose that makes sense as the old saying goes….. “Hell hath no wrath like a woman scorned.” I can’t begin to image the kind of hell Mrs. Claus could loose on his tired old ass if he came home with lipstick on his collar AND smelling like booze.

Rest assured folks, as diligent as our National Security is, and as well the relationship within the international effort called N.O.R.A.D., I have no doubts that they will resume their Santa Hunt next year.