Heterosexuals Anonymous Convention Heavily Picketed

In a move that surprised the world, the Rainbow Association officially has come all of the way out of the closet exposing the Gay Agenda in a full frontal manner with a demonstration and picket line at the annual Heterosexuals Anonymous convention held this year in Seattle, Washington.

As if it weren't enough that heterosexuals had to find reprieve from the gay persecution using governmental loopholes and what has become known as the Politically Correct Inquisition through forming Heterosexuals Anonymous, the Gay and Lesbian community have taken things a bit further with directly and publicly attacking heterosexuals of all walks. This of course, is seen as alright being that it is homosexuals and lesbians which are skirting social standards and laws concerning discrimination.

"We wanted our turn" said Mr. Strapon of the Rainbow Association. "Yeah" said Ms. Fistmeharder "We just wanted our turn."

"What did you want your 'turn' for?" I asked as would any decent reporter.

"You know, to do what it's for.... to oppress others when you have any semblance of power" stated Ms. Fistmeharder and Mr. Strapon in a very creepy, machine like way simultaneously.

"Yeah.... we just wanted to make other people feel left out because we haven't come to terms with our own disposition....and besides...everyone should be gay...we don't just want tolerance...we want everyone to be gay or lesbian" said Ms. Fistmeharder.

"Yeah" concur ed Mr. Strapon "everyone should have to conform to our gay and lesbian ideals... it isn't fair if they don't. That's why we want the churches to recognize gay marriages in their institutions and religious beliefs.... we don't want to go to the churches mind you...we just want them to say that our form of union is o.k. in their religious beliefs when really, if we just wanted to get married all we would have to do is address a form of civil union that is recognized legally... we don't even believe in god for the most part..... at least that is what we say..but we really just want everyone to change centuries of religious structure to accommodate us within it.... because we are special. Darnnit."

"Yeah" they said again in unison.

"So, why not just focus on getting a legal civil union?" I asked.

"Because" they began, "We want you to say that your god loves us too... because it isn't fair if you don't."

"O.K., but why target all heterosexuals?" was my next question.

"Because they aren't gay... and we are smart and they are dumb....and like in the movies, everyone needs to have an adversary" was their response. "Besides, it's just the heterosexual men that we have to worry about persecuting...because the heterosexual women are really just repressed lesbians and they are on our side anyway because we are effeminate and feminists. We gossip with them and they do what we say and pretty soon we will make a law that says boys have to be gay or they can't even have a job."

"Isn't that just a bit outlandish, self centered, shortsighted and frankly, deranged?" I asked.

"Don't you oppress me because I'm gay" shouted Mr. Strapon. "Yeah! Me too! and our way is better so there." exclaimed Ms. Fistmeharder.

"Let me ask you this then if I may" I stated, "why is it part of the gay agenda to undermine heterosexual marriages and business relationships with extremely flagrant lawsuits and interventions?"

"You may not!" Said Mr. Strapon "Yeah" said Ms. Fistmeharder "It's a big secret and we can make the secret agents get you if you say anything to us because we are gay... and I will tell my pimp on you and he will get mad because he won't get my government issued check every month if he doesn't do what I say."

"So what exactly does the mental disorder of failing to address your own sexuality to the extent of demanding all others condone it, have to do with social health on the larger scale?" I asked.

"Because we want to make someone else as unhappy about themselves as we are" said Ms Fistmeharder

"Yeah" said Mr. Strapon.

"You realize, that here in the United States of America... that it is possible within the governmental structure to actually make social standards for yourselves... in essence to create an atmosphere that is conducive to your own leanings within reason, don't you?

"I knew that" said Mr. Strapon rather quickly
"Yeah, we knew that" concurred Ms. Fistmeharder.

"Then why allow yourselves to be distracted from such in becoming a shitball for someone else's political movement? Essentially just allowing yourselves to be the monkey wrench in exchange for some pat on the butt in approval? Why haven't you used that "knowledge" to create a safe and harmonious atmosphere for your own movement? Why leach on other peoples prosperity and happiness?" I enquired.

"It's easier and more fun to blame someone else and then get kickbacks for it... besides we really don't want happiness for ourselves so much as misery for other people....because we are special and my daddy was mean to me" stated Mr. Strapon

"Did you ever consider that your father might have been a latent homosexual? Having no other outlet for his wants other than abusive behavior?" I asked

"I knew that" said Mr. Strapon "It's our turn to be mean like our daddies and mommies so leave us alone and let us oppress some people, or I'll sue you for being mean to homosexuals.... you must not be gay."

"No," I said with calm confidence "I'm not gay."

"We would never have agreed to this interview if we knew you weren't gay... that isn't fair." they said again in the same creepy unison.

"Why would you blame heterosexual males?" I asked

"You are dumb" said Mr. Strapon, "I already told you that the women already do what we say because we are gay and they can relate more to us than heterosexual men... we are a minority and so are they.... and you are dumb...because everybody knows that and the media says gay people are smarter, so there dummy."

"Yeah" said Ms. Fistmeharder "you are dumb."

PROSTHETIC BULGE TOPS LISTS THIS HOLIDAY SEASON!

WORLD NEWS- Topping most major consumer and market lists this year the prosthetic bulge produced by the "Wonder Undies Co. Incorporated" in Seattle, Washington broke records in two categories.

According to Forbes, Reuters and The Wall Street Journal, the first record was set for the volume of "units" sold before the holiday and new year, in the underwear and lingerie categories.

According to most retailers and city refuse disposal employees, the second record was set by the "Wonder Undies" for returns and discards.

Apparently, judging from the commentary obtained from city dump truck guys and gals... there was a very small percentage of them still in the "package." This means that people actually tried them at least once before throwing them away....which means that they probably had allot of explaining to do when they got as far as dropping trow and gettin' down to business.

Yes, it seems that there is still "one born every minute."

Coincidently, there was a spike in the "excuse a day calendar" sales reported entirely independent of "Wonder Undies." As well as a bum rush of calls to "Wonder Undies" asking for a replacement booklet titled "What the fuck do I say after my pants are off" which apparently NONE of the "Wonder Undies" were "packaged " with contrary to the little picture on the back of the box that said "Includes a booklet of things to say once your pants are off and it is obvious that you have stuffed your pants with a prosthetic enhancement."

Many of the consumers of this product thought it would be best to no longer sell it as a "stand alone" item, but perhaps include it in a "package" with a set of detachable strap ons and perhaps even a dinner voucher for two, at Denny's, Applebee's, Burger King or any other comparable restaurant establishment.

All agreed that there should be a removable sticker to be placed on the wearer that states it is a prosthetic enhancement. A disclaimer of sorts.

There were hoards of suggestions for including it in various "adult costume" packages.

It was also reported that the lowest percentage of returns and discards was in the celebrity consumer area, as well as the top 5% income bracket in the United States. Apparently is does "wonders" for enhancing "on screen image" as well as live performance "presence." Factually, it is rumored that most talent management agencies and companies have them on hand as "standard issue" for new "talent" entering their stables.

Grace Tailor of Emrolled City Talents had nothing but raves for the "Wonder Undies Co. Incorporated's" products. "They look so tasty! The first time I got a real eye full... I could hardly keep myself from the restroom...and the first time I got a real handful in a casting couch session...let us just say that they have a very life like feel as well. I personally can't wait until they come out with a pulsating model."

It is also rumored that the "Wonder Undies Co. Incorporated" is currently soliciting celebrity representation for their product in the public arena. Or even just celebrity look alikes that haven't "gone porn" yet.

To contact "Wonder Undies Co. Incorporated" concerning your purchase or any other information;

Put your thumb between your lips and blow really hard.