HOFFA'S UNDERWEAR FOUND INTACT!

MODERATELY INTERESTING STUFF WHICH PEOPLE JUST CAN'T SEEM TO MOVE ALONG FROM IN THEIR SAD, DESPERATE AND EMPTY LIVES- In news today it has been reported that the dig for Jimmy Hoffa has turned into somewhat of a success. On a tip from a really old guy in jail that is looking to get his sentence reduced, a crew of investigative digging guys went out to a horse farm and dug a big hole where the old guy in jail said he had seen some people burying a body way back when.

They didn't find anything yet except for an old pair of tightie whitey underwear.

At first it was believed that the underwear probably belonged to someone else, as it is widely known that Hoffa preferred to wear super hero tights... which many believe to have been the inspiration for the ever popular "Under-roos" line of childrens (and some really sick adults) preferred under garmets.

All that aside, the tightie whitey's are proving to be a welcomed lead in the search for Hoffa's final resting place. It would seem that, attached to the underwear was the beginning of some sort of scavenger hunt... which the digger crew investigator guys are most definitely going to follow up on... so if you see some guys with flashlights digging up your back yard... don't be too alarmed, it is probably just as result of the sure to ensue frenzy this "undy-clue" will most likely produce....unless of course, you happen to know that Hoffa is buried in your own back yard and just haven't bothered to let anyone else know....then, you might want to be a little concerned about the digging crew investigator guys making huge holes in your back yard.....


Actually.... I really can't figure out why anyone really cares where Hoffa is buried... if he is buried at all.

He might just be hanging out with Elvis.

END OF THE WORLD CLOCK THINGY ACCIDENTALLY RESET!

INTERNATIONAL NEWS BRIEF;Much to the dismay of do-gooders and end of the world people alike, the End Of The World Clock has been accidentally reset.

It was reported that some kid somewhere in the mid west, while playing his video games after having hacked into the END OF THE WORLD CLOCK THINGY COMPUTER TIMER DILLY just for kicks, accidentally reset the end of the world clock!

Though it is that authorities are having trouble tracking the perpetrator down because of his hacking skills and smarts enough to use a false I.P. address showing him in the mid west, they assure all concerned parties that the game of "Oh My God The World Is Going To End" and "You Are A Crazy Zealot, There Is No Such Thing As The End Of The World Clock Thingy" will be able to resume as soon as they can figure out how to turn it back on and reset it again to the ever popular "Two Minutes Until Everything Is Blown To Hell Somehow" place within its configuration.

ALL ORGIES AND OTHER QUESTIONABLE ACTIVITIES (including politics and most television shows) WHICH HAVE BEEN EXCUSED THROUGH THE JUSTIFICATION OF "THE WORLD IS GOING TO END," ARE TO CONTINUE AS PLANNED!

The Whitehouse has issued an official statement which orders such to maintain in an effort to stem any sort of panic at the realization that the world isn't necessarily going to end immediately.

"The damage we could incur with people knowing the clock thingy was reset is nearly immeasurable" stated the chair person in charge of lewd behavior, "it could do serious damage to the economy as well as bible sales and convention activities of all sorts."

Just so that everyone felt included, the folks in charge of the end of the world thingy in Washington, issued statements encouraging those proclaiming the end of the world to continue their normal activities as well. Feeling that they should not be left adrift in their own confusion when the news broke pertaining to the video gamer resetting the all too important "END OF THE WORLD CLOCK THINGY." Many of them feel that the orgie people would just let them mill around in confusion and laugh at them until it was reset again without letting them in on the changes which no one will ever admit took place once the "Doomsday Clcok Thingy" is reset.

In effect, even though it is now widely known that the "End Of The World" isn't necessarily an iron clad point in time, such social dynamic and apparent need for despair within society will soon render this news brief entirely useless if not relegated to the conspiracy pile along with both angles of justification for lifestyles surrounding the mythical "Time Piece Of Doom."

Moron This If It Develops.

M.I.T. STUDENTS STRIKE KENNEDY WITH LIGHTENING! ACCIDENTALLY AMPLIFY THE EFFECTS OF EVOLUTION!

Edward Kennedy's Cessna was struck by lightening yesterday just after he had completed a presentation at a popular arts school. The plane was rendered without electrical instruments and it was reported that the pilot had to land it manually.

After a short investigation into the cause of the lightening incident, it was revealed that it was no natural phenomena in the least. Several students admitted anonymously that they had orchestrated the lightening strike because they were jealous.

It seems they were a bit envious of the fact that Edward Kennedy went to an art school and partied with them instead of hanging with the science nerds and the like. "Hey!" said Nerdy Mcsnerd, "Nerds aren't what they used to be.... we can party with the best of them!"

An unexpected development from the lightening strike was somewhat of a surprise to those who aren't familiar with the long term exposure effect of the theory of evolution as it is most widely upheld upon the celebrity and political population of the United States. As result of the high intensity lightening blast, those effects already noticeable in and on Edward Kennedy were amplified to the effect that his speech was even digressing when he addressed the media about the incident. Those in his regular company assured everyone that the knuckle dragging wasn't out of place as he has been practicing it for several months now in hopes of being selected to participate in the new Living Caveman Displays set to be implemented around the United States.

"It...Oohh Oooh Oohhh... is something I...ooh ooh oohh really look forward to being a...ooh ooh ooh oohh part of" said Mr. Kennedy about the Modern Exhibit. "It will beat...ooh ooh ohh the hell oohh oooh ooh ohhh out of dealing with the chimps in Washington day in and day out...ooh ooh. I hope to plan my retirement around it."

When asked about his opinion of the M.I.T. students and their seemingly reckless behavior with such powerful equipment.... he responded saying "Ah.. really that's nothin'..... you should see what they do if they don't get to do something at the Harvard/Yale game!"

IRREFUTABLE PROOF PRESENTED IN FAVOR OF EVOLUTION!

WORLD NEWS RELEASE;
Dr. Skidmarks of the Institute Set Forward To Insist On The Validity Of Evolution has recently presented what he (and his followers) are calling irrefutable proof substantiating the most widely upheld perception of evolution. He did so in a press release which we here at STOP SNIFFING YOUR FINGERS were fortunate enough to receive.

Dr. Skidmarks has used the data from a study he and his interns have just completed which involves the human tendency to gravitate toward bathroom humor and more specifically, the human fascination with the game of "Pull My Finger."

In the study he reveals the rock solid connection between the initial forms of "Pull My Finger" and the modern slot machines, and as well uses it to cite the just as firm proof in the progress of man. Using this progression in social development as a parallel to illustrate the most definite direction of physical and mental development of humans.

In their study, they not only cite the evident progress from the standard "Pull My Finger" to the slot machine, but as well explore the issue and connections more deeply. Within such they have discovered the earlier progress pertaining to the first times a human like creature decided that something more productive could be done with the average and seemingly random fart.

As Dr. Skidmarks has noted, the initial fascination with farts was amplified through efforts none too different than modern advertising techniques. "You see" stated Dr. Skidmarks, "one of the earlier examples of human like creatures showed remarkable progress in development through happening upon the thought of actually promoting the use of the random fart in a scripted and very definite manner. In essence, the fact that there is a game like 'Pull My Finger' is evidence itself of the progress and 'Evolution' of humans." He continued to explain; "Simply consider that for some amount of time, the more ignorant and less developed human creature existed in a way where their farts were just kind of happenstance..... much like the average animal. But, as humans developed, one of them somewhere along the line began to display that progress in actually seeing more potential in the fart than just the random breaking of wind. In their early cunning they developed the staging, use and control of all which a fart displays in converting it into a rather enjoyable game. This shows an incredible amount of progress and development."

The study itself was issued in a 900 page report which is far too much to include in this piece, but I am sure that you can get the idea from what is presented.

Dr. Skidmarks went on to explain that in their belief, sometime just after the "Sea Monkey" stage of human existence... and of course given the nature of the game "Pull My Finger," sometime after humans went through the "Monkey Fin" stage that the rudimentary elements of "Pull My Finger" were developed.

Many speculate in a sort of hopeful, pipe dream way, that the initial versions of "Pull My Finger" could have been first begun in the form of "Pull My Fin" or even "Pull My Sea Monkey Tail," but it is widely known that this is mostly due to the hopeful elements of someday being able to re-enact such while in the bathtub or swimming pool. In so many words, many of the interns involved with this study just wanted to have an excuse to fart allot in the public swimming pools.... and of course while they were splashing about in the weekly bath.

As they delved even further into the hot trail of "Pull My Finger," it was soon realized that it would only be a matter of time before humans developed things such as slot machines. The simple brilliance of the "Pull My Finger" development is just far too strong not to have continued to evolve... and in that, continued to influence the evolution of humans through the psychological association of such developments, even subconsciously.

"In fact" stated Dr. Skidmarks, "it could be safely said that we as a species and society owe everything to the game of "Pull My Finger" in entirety. Everything we know, have invented and have developed can be traced directly back to the point of the very first game of "Pull My Finger." Until that time, everything was simply random and without any sort of meaning or exchange. Even the act of eating was just a random thing without any insight into the reasons for it. It does sound quite odd, but in examining it even the pleasures humans derive from eating are directly as result of the development of "Pull My Finger." It is only after and during the perfection of various forms of "Pull My Finger" that humans began to explore 'pleasure' in other, up until then seemingly meaningless and mundane activities.

It still goes on today in many ways" he then continued. "It is simply that people do not associate it with the origins anymore. We have in fact discovered that everything ever developed is directly related to "Pull My Finger." It is simply that with each new, more complicated version of "Pull My Finger" that is introduced, the farther it is then perceived that we as a species have moved away from the more rudimentary concept. BUT, and this is a big but, the fact of the matter is that "Pull My Finger" may just be the center of everything. It is the only thing, through all of the years of development and change, which has remained with it's initial allure and staying power. That is to say that no matter how the initial concept has been developed or "progressed," the very first version of it is still much unchanged though still possessing that magnificent element which maintains its importance within the species and society. There are more parallels than can be cited.
In fact... and this might just be a national secret" said Dr. Skidmarks in a soft tone, "we have it on good authority that many of the worlds super computers are in the process of tracking the "Pull My Finger" relationship with everything else on the planet. It is really exciting! It has even been said in the science community, much to the dismay of the mathematicians, that all of the computer power previously dedicated to tracking PI, has now been relegated to computing the percentage level relationship with "Pull My Finger" and everything else that is within our existence. It is truly a ground breaking realization pertaining to the relevance of Pull My Finger."


With that, Dr. Skidmarks took his leave to celebrate a round or two of Pull My Finger with some interns, and he did so with the biggest, happiest smile I have ever seen on anyones face.

He must really be onto something!

Congratulations Dr. Skidmarks!

Moron this as it develops.

VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE TELEVISION CELEBRITY

......ratings whore! In a recent push to again make sure that not one human on the planet has escaped the media saturation of the Television Networks, Nielson has issued a promotional scheme to bolster the attention given to the television networks of all types, from of course the television viewing audience. Here is a copy of a quiz which was promoted, though perhaps not affiliated directly with the Nielson promotion; 1. WHO IS THE BIGGEST TELEVISION RATINGS WHORE LETTERMAN LENO OPRAH THE LADIES FROM THE VIEW ALTON BROWN ALL OF THE SOPRANOS ROBERT COCHRAN JOHN STEWART ALL REALITY SHOW PARTICIPANTS ANYONE ON A TALENT SHOW Email: Powered by Search Engine Promotion specialists, 123promotion.

FRANCIS FARMER CELEBRATED IN THE SUCCESS OF SUCH POLITICAL STANDARDS!

This year has been named the Year Of Francis Farmer! It is widely known that this year will be forever remembered as the year that such political tactics and embarrassing levels of anti-trust and denial which surrounded the life of Francis Farmer, will be celebrated as finally having become successful to the level of not only a wide social acceptance, but a heavily used standard in most local, state and federal areas of the government.

For those not familiar with the occurrences in the life of Francis Farmer, it essentially boils down to one of those areas that all involved still contend is un-provable and there for non-issue, but in fact, her life was ravaged as was her personal identity in ways that, as has been stated, are quickly become accepted as standard method of business and political practice.

Many speculate that the wide, new success in the use of such tactics is much due to the wonderful advance of modern communication technology. "It's just so easy to do now" said Mr. Scumbag. "How could anyone resist... especially if you can manage some false stance of minority in the effort to justify the moronic tactics used in procuring various types of income through such terribly hack like and nearly pitiable methods of "political practice."

"Yeah, it's kind of embarrassing for some people, but they are the ones that still don't know how to use the sympathy ploy of claiming to be a minority.... to make themselves look like some displaced "good guy" just doing what ever they can against the big, evil powers that didn't used to condone such embarrassing and in-humane social dynamics...but thankfully enough, we managed to buy them off as well... and surprisingly enough, we did it with the trinket like, valueless amounts of scrip that we procured in the use of the "Francis Farmer" socio-political tactic" said Mr. Scuzzo, "the beauty of it, is that they are supposed to be smart... but somehow we managed to get them to accept that crap, which as any chimp could tell you, has and will continue to become more and more valueless in the market dynamic which we have established in this great success."

Dr. Retard is one of the individuals which has done extensive work on this project. He has also designed and implemented a seminar class as well as a late night info-mercial which has become a resounding success. "This is so easy these days" said Dr. Retard, "especially with the modern communication.... in fact it gets even easier now if you manage to team up with one or more other "political movements" which have the image of being a minority or struggling..... then if you couple that with creating false debt in the victim or victims name.... it's a cake walk. you would be surprised how willing people are to forgo EVERY human standard on the planet.... especially if you can get a group of them thinking (or just acting) as if someone owes them something... such as the targeted victims of course.... then it seems like everything else goes out the window and it's easy money, baby!"

"It is a little hard to believe that people are still that stupid in the modern day. isn't it?" I then asked Dr. Retard.

"What are you talking about? Don't you watch T.V.? Look at what these morons will believe for crying out loud.... it's a freaking cake walk... and all you have to do is say that they deserved it..... especially to the chicks.... for some reason the chicks really love to be sadistic and jump at every chance to feel like they are being sneaky and evil" he said through tears of laughter. "And as you know... if the chicks dig it.... well geeze... what's a fella to do?"

"What if the victim manages to get some "chicks" to dig what they are really about?" I then asked.

"That's an easy one...." he replied in a no sweat manner, "first, you can just say that they have coodies or something... maybe some disease that nobody else wants to be around.....then of course there is the old tactic of claiming that they stole their idea from someone else and that THEY are actually the fraudulent scumbags...." he said then pausing to think moron the subject..... "then of course, there is always the old scare the panties off 'em routine."

"Scare the panties off 'em?" I asked.

"Yeah, scare the panties off 'em.... see, most chicks want some excuse to get a little naughty anyhow... and if you can give them the reason of being in some sort of danger through associating with the victim.... then what choice do they have except dropping their panties for the type of people that are actually diseased and repulsive? NONE! I tell ya! and most of 'em really do like the opportunity to be nasty little daddies girls... as long as they have an excuse that is.... see that's what really screws the guys we do this to... is that the chicks don't have the courage to actually face such situations truthfully... they're easy to scare into anything.... which is another laugh in that we then tell them that they can make all of the big league decisions... Isn't that hilarious? They don't have what it takes to stand in the batters box and make sound decisions beyond their own fears and want for little naughty excuses, but they then believe that they are qualified in that direction to make world class decisions.... It's one of our favorite parts."

"It does sound interesting" I stated.

"Yeah, it's a real laugh.... but as long as they are happy and we can make them think that they are getting the best that the world has to offer.... then there isn't anything they wont do to keep such illusions alive" Dr. Retard then added. "It doesn't matter that they are trudging the lowest possible quality level of life in their desperate, frightened existences... see, they think that their desperation and fear are because they are in the big game... but really it is just because of scaring the panties off of 'em.... chicks love to be scared I don't care what they say.... they love to be dominated, and then to feel like they are dominating something else... even fluffy little bunnies. The laugh is the more harmless what ever it is they are 'dominating is' the safer they feel and the bigger kick they get out of being hideous... man, what I have seen some celebrity broads do to fluffy little bunnies just to be mean....."

"Doesn't that simply denote a massive mental illness on a very large scale?" I asked Dr. Retard.

"Sure, but what do you do about it?" he responded, "you can't just kill them can you? that would be inhumane... and besides, they are special for being dumb enough to get the panties scared off of 'em.... they deserve to feel special don't they?"

"I suppose so" I replied, "but as far as being humane.... isn't it worse to have them living in such desperate and miserable states of existence? Doesn't that just equate to a really big waste of life and space? And then why should their mental shortcomings be allowed to spread to others simply to make sure they aren't alone in their desperation and miserable, sad excuses which fill what otherwise would be a rather enjoyable life?"

"That's all over rated...." said Dr. Retard, "nothing nowhere says that life has to be enjoyable... especially for anyone besides us. And besides, when you really don't know how to enjoy even the most simple of situations or activities, it works just as good to enjoy creating miserable situations for someone else..... especially people that do enjoy simple things.....at least it passes the time."

"You people really don't know anything beyond the terrible, hack like approach to life that you have apparently perfected to the point of becoming a celebrated social attribute, do you?" I then asked.

"No not really... and why worry about it.... there ain't nothing any more than getting some good nookie and passing it along anyway... and it don't matter how you get it... and besides, there ain't no end to the excuses to be made so that it always makes us feel like we are calling the shots.... and so we can let the used up bitches feel like they are always in control to... except of their panties for us of course.... and anything we tell them is scarey....."

"Yeah," I said, "Congratulations on your overwhelming success Dr. Retard."