KATE HUDSON GRILLED BY FORMER #1 FAN!

Following is a letter we here at STOP SNIFFING YOUR FINGERS managed to intercept, which is from Kate Hudsons former #1 fan and was addressed to her, care of STOP SNIFFING YOUR FINGERS.

Though it is this was unsolicited information and we usually do not deal with celebrity nit picking ninnies.... we thought we would make an exception in this case since it is such a unique (however poorly dyed) situation;

Recent troubling developments prompt me to revisit a subject I've discussed in the past: Ms. Kate Hudson and her plan to seize control over where we eat, sleep, socialize, and associate with others. The nitty-gritty of what I'm about to write is this: She has the nerve to call those of us who recognize and respect the opinions, practices, and behavior of others "conspiracy theorists". No, we're "conspiracy revealers" because we reveal that if Ms. Hudson is going to make an emotional appeal, then she should also include a rational argument. Idle hands are the devil's tools. That's why Ms. Hudson spends her leisure time devising ever more dim-witted ways to empty garbage pails full of the vilest slanders and defamations on the clean garments of honorable people. She ignores the most basic ground rule of debate. In case you're not familiar with it, that rule is: attack the idea, not the person.
Just the other day, some of Ms. Hudson's brainless legates forced a prospectus into my hands as I walked past. The prospectus described Ms. Hudson's blueprint for a world in which condescending kleptomaniacs are free to deny the obvious. As I dropped the prospectus onto an overflowing wastebasket, I reflected upon the way that if Ms. Hudson were to use more accessible language, then a larger number of people would be able to understand what she's saying. The downside for Ms. Hudson, of course, is that a larger number of people would also understand that her hopeless communications ruin my entire day. News of this deviousness must spread like wildfire if we are ever to improve the living conditions of the most vulnerable in our society -- the sick, the old, the disabled, the unemployed, and our youth -- all of whose lives are made miserable by Kate Hudson. Ms. Hudson loves getting up in front of people and telling them that advertising is the most veridical form of human communication. She then boasts about how she'll use rock music, with its savage, tribal, orgiastic beat, to make us too confused, demoralized, and disunited to put up an effective opposition to her subliminal psywar campaigns quicker than you can double-check the spelling of "institutionalization". It's all part of the media spectacle that is Kate Hudson. Of course, she soaks it up and wallows in it like a pig in mud. Speaking of pigs and mud, I want to call a spade a spade. I want to do this not because I need to tack another line onto my résumé, but because I once managed to get Ms. Hudson to agree that forbearance and kindly deportment are lost upon her. Unfortunately, a few minutes later, she did a volte-face and denied that she had ever said that.
By framing the question in this way, we see that Ms. Hudson's apothegms are merely a stalking horse. They mask her secret intention to manipulate everything and everybody. At the same time, most people want to be nice; they want to be polite; they don't want to give offense. And because of this inherent politeness, they step aside and let Ms. Hudson promote, foster, and institute feudalism. I aver I am not alone when I say that when she says that masochism is the only alternative to Comstockism, in her mind, that's supposed to end the argument. It's like she believes she has said something very profound. There is absolutely nothing that bookish carpetbaggers like Ms. Hudson will not do to destroy their enemies. They will poke into the most secret family affairs and not rest until their truffle-searching instinct digs up some prissy incident that is calculated to finish off their unfortunate victim.
As one commentator put it, Ms. Hudson's memoranda leave much to be desired. Let me rephrase that: Ms. Hudson says that we have no reason to be fearful about the criminally violent trends in our society today and over the past ten to fifteen years. That's a stupid thing to say. It's like saying that the Queen of England heads up the international drug cartel. Imagine people everywhere embracing her claim that public opinion is a reliable indicator of what's true and what isn't. The idea defies the imagination. By refusing to act, by refusing to bring meaning, direction, and purpose into our lives, we are giving Ms. Hudson the power to make a mockery of our most fundamentally held beliefs.
Ms. Hudson's morals are perpetuated by an ethos of continuous reform, the demand that one strive permanently and painfully for something which not only does not exist but is alien to the human condition. It is as if we were safely on the bank of a raging river, enjoying a picnic with our friends and family, when a bunch of muddleheaded, pushy deadheads came along and threw us into the river. Not only must we must struggle to avoid drowning in the raging torrent of Ms. Hudson-sponsored absenteeism, but we must crawl out of the river before we can cast a gimlet eye on Ms. Hudson's invectives. Last summer, I attempted what I knew would be a hopeless task. I tried to convince Ms. Hudson that to deny this is to deny science, let alone the evidence of one's own powers of observation. As I expected, Ms. Hudson was entirely unconvinced. The take-away message of this letter is that Ms. Kate Hudson can out-reason devious libertines but not anyone else. Think about it. I don't want to have to write another letter a few years from now, in the wake of a society torn apart by Ms. Hudson's obstinate opinions, reminding you that you were warned.