President Bush Signs Corporate Corruption Bill

As an "In The Field Reporter," I usually don't apply the "Hunter S. Thompson sports corespondant" tactic, but this was just too good to turn down... so I chose to use the already published coverage of President Bush's speach just before signing this new "Coruption Bill."

The East Room


Policy in Focus: Corporate Responsibility (except for us and our affiliates)


10:15 A.M. EDT

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you very much. Welcome to the White House, and welcome to this historic occasion (please do not laugh out loud or I will have the secret agent guys remove you from the room).

During the past year the American economy has faced several sudden challenges(mostly due to ourselves and affiliates on both sides of the political spectrum), and proven its great resiliency (mostly because of people that really know what is going on). Terrorists attacked the center and symbol of our prosperity (opening an incredible opportunity for us to money grab with our friends without even a second guess from anyone else). A recession cost many American workers their jobs (and we thank you for all of the extra money for our affiliate organizations). And now corporate corruption has struck at investor confidence (and we are past "I won't tell if you won't"), offending the conscience of our nation (which gave us much more opportunity..thanks again). Yet, in the aftermath of September the 11th, we refuse to allow fear to undermine our economy (we intend to continue our money grab as long as we can keep investigations and the media at bay). And we will not allow fraud to undermine it either (which means we already have plenty of patsy's to take the blame for our squandering).

With well-timed tax cuts (for our friends...both Republican and Democrat) we fought our way out of recession and back to economic growth (at least that's what we will say). And now with a tough new law we will act against those who have shaken confidence in our markets (and anyone that is planning on stealing our money the way that we have been stealing it from everyone else), using the full authority of government to expose corruption (we plan on persicuting anyone that knows the slightest about actual economy and of course our underhanded deals), punish wrongdoers and defend the rights and interests of American workers and investors (as long as they are "investing" in our companies and interests).

My administration pressed for greater corporate integrity (for other companies under our microscope smoke screen which kept anyone from seriously looking at our blatant theft and hack work). A united Congress has written it into law (under our guidance for fear of their jobs and the "black van treatment"). And today I sign the most far-reaching reforms of American business practices since the time of Franklin Delano Roosevelt (but this is better because it gives us something to hide behind and use against anyone that wants to prosecute us). This new law sends very clear messages that all concerned must heed (mostly about messing with the obvious and messy hack theivery we have been perpetrating....DON'T DO IT OR WE WILL LEVY THIS LAW FULLY ON THOSE THAT TRY). This law says to every dishonest corporate leader: you will be exposed and punished; the era of low standards and false profits is over; no boardroom in America is above or beyond the law(ESPECIALLY THOSE THAT STAND IN OUR WAY AND LOOK TO BE A THREAT IN EXPOSING OUR BLATANT AND OBVIOUS SHINANIGANS).

This law says to honest corporate leaders: your integrity will be recognized and rewarded, because the shadow of suspicion will be lifted from good companies that respect the rules (or at least that is what we will say for those that do as we tell them and continue to help and cover up all of our violations both Democrat and Republican).

This law says to corporate accountants: the high standards of your profession will be enforced without exception; the auditors will be audited; the accountants will be held to account (especially if they fail to do what we or Disneyland says).

This law says to shareholders that the financial information you receive from a company will be true and reliable, for those who deliberately sign their names to deception will be punished ("deception" being anyone else's company that is not affiliated with our leanings).

This law says to workers: we will not tolerate reckless practices that artificially drive up stock prices and eventually destroy the companies, and the pensions, and your jobs (unless you are working for us and artificially driving up our stock prices and value).

And this law says to every American: there will not be a different ethical standard for corporate America than the standard that applies to everyone else (unless they work for us, then it's foney hack work for all we care). The honesty you expect in your small businesses, or in your workplaces, in your community or in your home, will be expected and enforced in every corporate suite in this country (excuse me while I giggle just a bit).

I commend the Congress for passing a strong set of reforms (everyone that signed it gets a special treat at the Ranch as soon as we can get the media under control again). I particularly thank Senator Paul Sarbanes and Congressman Mike Oxley. Both are very thoughtful (and entirely on our payroll), and were persistent voices for reform (as long as we kept them "lubed"). They are true advocates of corporate integrity (until they start to be honest about our dealings). I appreciate their working together to send a signal to the rest of the country that it's possible in Washington, D.C. to set aside partisan differences and to do what's right for the American people (as long as we are acknowledged as the only "American People"). I also appreciate the bipartisan leadership in the Congress, and I particularly thank Senator Daschle and Senator Lott who are with us here today (just so we can make sure that we are clear on some things).

I want to thank members of my Cabinet who worked on this bill: Secretary of Treasury O'Neill and Attorney General Ashcroft, Secretary Evans, Secretary Chao. I appreciate the FBI Director being here, along with the Chairman of Securities and Exchange Commission, Harvey Pitt. I appreciate the Corporate Fraud Task Force members who are here. I want to assure the American people, they're just getting started (and we still aren't too sure about their "loyalties" so we will keep an eye on them).

America's system of free enterprise, with all its risk and all its rewards is a strength of our country, and a model for the world (and man can we work it for all we claim it is worth... free money rocks). Yet free markets are not a jungle in which only the unscrupulous survive, or a financial free-for-all guided only by greed (did I just hear someone laugh? Someone find out who just laughed!). The fundamentals of a free market -- buying and selling, saving and investing -- require clear rules and confidence in basic fairness (imposed on everyone else so as to insure our "control").

The only risks, the only fair risks are based on honest information (that we keep from everyone else until we alter it to our specs). Tricking an investor into taking a risk is theft by another name (and we are great at it). Corporate executives must set an ethical tone for their companies (more so for the camera's... as long as they are one of our affiliates). They must understand the skepticism Americans feel and take action to set clear standards of right and wrong (for them all to deal with which we will change at our whim). Those who break the rules tarnish a great economic system that provides opportunity for all (as long as they are affiliated with us or one of our affiliates).

Their actions hurt workers who committed their lives to building the company that hired them (which we directly benefit from in the hostile take overs we insight). Their actions hurt investors and retirees who placed their faith in the promise of growth and integrity (and that's just fine with us... as long as they realize they must now march in our ranks or die). For the sake of our free economy, those who break the law -- break the rules of fairness, those who are dishonest, however wealthy or successful they may be, must pay a price (and if it is one of us...that price is the fee to get into a strip club downtown).

Today, we are taking practical steps to encourage honest enterprise in our nation. Under this law, CEOs and chief financial officers must personally vouch for the truth and fairness of their companies' disclosures (and include a modest payment to any of our affiliates). Those financial disclosures will be broader and better for the sake of shareholders and investors.

Corporate officials will play by the same rules as their employees (which means they will consume our affiliates products). In the periods when workers are prevented from buying and selling stock in their pensions or 401(k)s, corporate officials will also be barred from any buying or selling.

Corporate misdeeds will be found and will be punished (especially if we say so). This law authorizes new funding for investigators and technology at the Securities and Exchange Commission to uncover wrongdoing (in other people's portfolio's and holdings). The SEC will now have the administrative authority to bar dishonest directors and officers from ever again serving in positions of corporate responsibility (and they are dishonest if they do not agree with our stance, political views AND invest in our affiliates...essentially, we can now black ball anyone that we want to). The penalties for obstructing justice and shredding documents are greatly increased (and anything we want to do or see is considered "justice"). Corporate crime will no longer pay. CEOs who profit by betraying the public trust will be forced to return those gains to investors (unless it is us...and we get a cut anyway). And the maximum prison term for common types of fraud has quadrupled from five to 20 years.

For the first time, the accounting profession will be regulated by an independent board (of people on our payroll). This board will set clear standards to uphold the integrity of public audits, and have the authority to investigate abuses and discipline offenders (that we send to them to investigate). And auditing firms will no longer be permitted to provide consulting services that create conflicts of interest (which means they no longer have the option of representation during the "persecution" process).

This law gives my administration new tools for enforcement (and maintaining the security of our own fraudulence and violations). We will use them to the fullest (to insure that everyone does what we say and doesn't try to expose our violations). We will continue to investigate, arrest and prosecute corporate officials who break the law ("law" being anything we want to say it is "willy nilly"..but NOT extending to acual interpretation of just law or contracts/agreements historically). The Corporate Fraud Task Force I established is now hard at work, overseeing investigations of alleged fraud and insider trading (of other firms not affiliated with us, to insure our superiority and control of the market place as well as keeping anyone from challenging our blatant and embarassing violations). More than 200 federal prosecutors are at work detecting and punishing corporate crimes (of other people.. so take heed). Every corporate official who has chosen to commit a crime can expect to face the consequences. No more easy money for corporate criminals, just hard time (again, for those that do not conform to our specific wants and political direction...even and especially when it includes the posturing of false and fraudulent individuals as people they are not).

As the work of enforcement proceeds, I hope Congress will join me in other important efforts to protect the savings and investments of Americans preparing for retirement (so watch it old folks... I'm comin' fer yer dough next). We've seen how workers can lose a lifetime of savings overnight, locked into pension plans without adequate choices and information (so know that that was just a warning to you all as to what we can do to everyones investment security... and there is nothing anyone can do about it).

Workers should be able to sell company stock and diversify into other investments after three years in their own company's plan. They should receive updates on their retirement accounts, not once a year, but every three months. They should have access to sound investment advice. I have proposed pension protection reforms; the House has passed them. I hope the Senate takes them up soon (do I have to keep explaining this in bold italics?).

We must also work together to promote more growth in the economy and jobs for the American people. The fundamentals of our economy are sound. After all, sales of automobiles and new houses are on the rise. New unemployment claims have been falling since April. Inflation is low, productivity is increasing, and growth continues. Those are signs of strength in our economy, and with the right policies we can build on it.

We must continue to work to control federal spending, and make the tax cuts permanent, so Americans can save and plan for their own future. We must tear down trade barriers, so people everywhere can buy American. We must make terrorism insurance available to spur more construction.

And on energy, we must encourage conservation through new technology and produce more energy at home, to give our economy safe and steady sources of power, and make our country less reliant upon foreign sources of power.

The attacks against our economy in the last year have caused deep hardship, and highlighted the economy's fundamental strength. The American economy is more diverse and more innovative than ever before. And its greatest strength, the people who make it work, are better trained and more productive and more highly skilled than ever before.

Whenever we face challenges, from the fear that threatened our economy after September the 11th to the fraud that threatens investor confidence today, we've tackled them head on. The American economy depends on fairness and honesty. The vast majority of businesses uphold those values. With this law, we have new tools to enforce those values, and we will use those tools aggressively to defend our free enterprise system against corruption and crime.

It is now my honor to sign the Sarbanes-Oxley Act of 2002. (Applause.)

(The bill is signed. so you can all kiss it goodbye.... there isn't anything anyone can do about controlling their own interests any more)

When I first saw this, I was kind of horrified.... but then I realized that the people not only let it happen... they chose to let it happen for what ever reasons... so in that I realize that they deserve exactly the direction and developments which will come of it.... more specifically, they deserve the way that this law is going to be used.

Another thing I find kind of amusing, is just the other night I was laying there before I went to sleep, wondering how it would be possible to lay more despair across society for the purpose of making sure people NEED things like their game shows, their talk shows....the government, etc....

And what do you know? I read a news blurb today and there it is!

It is definitely going to be entertaining to watch as it plays out..... More I suppose watching the embarrassing misuse of it... the sad excuses... the pathetic morons and their paranoia in desperation of having some postured control of something when really, in such motions they simply make themselves more vulnerable in so many ways I won't even begin to go into.... which in turn will assure the necessity of "needing" other entities such as the Canadian influence... so in that, it is all just a large, desperate, embarrassing game of co-dependant pathetic displays of false superiority.

Definitely will be interesting to watch as it "develops."

The sad part, is that such a structure leaves those who are not interested in being "dependent" and making someone look falsly important, out in the cold.... actual business is screwed.