Patriot Act Expanded to include the regulation of Gumball Machines!

The Nevada Gaming Commission overwhelmingly accepted the expansion and adoption of the Patriot Act into gaming areas, including the regulation of gumball machines. It seems that the risk of "exchanging super secret terrorist spy information stuff" in the form of gumball machine bubbles ranks in the upper 10% of national security concerns.... right behind the monitoring of television viewing and public library activity for the purpose of "combating terrorism."
The Nevada Gaming Commission has volunteered to be the front lines of introducing such security measures to the rest of the country. This was affirmed when Governor Kenny Guinn gave an unmistakable "two honks/happy face" on Harpo's "non-existent" horn at a recent press conference pertaining to the intention of the Nevada Gaming Commission's over all plan to modify and employ the already over bearing laws of the U.S.A. Patriot Act for use in Nevada, as well as the rest of the United States in regulating gumball machines.

Apparently the original Patriot act as well as this most recent adaptation have gained momentum with the recent success in the governments secret acquisition of Harpo's Horn. "Besides," said Guin, "we have to use it for something else for awhile.... the Patriot act, that is....before the antitrust and fraud get so far out of line that we even have to shred the whole damn alphabet just to keep things tidy..... we need to let it cool off for awhile."

It would appear that it was just becoming too much for the middle aged and little old spinsters to have to see the pure and simple joy on childrens faces when depositing a coin and getting a useless trinket EVERY TIME. "It just isn't fair!" said Ms. Allotta Firmlegga, a former "dancer" and show room girl turned Nickle Slot Machine Jockey with her "growing years," in the Las Vegas area and Reno areas.

"I spend hours at a time... sometimes even days at the same machine...pumping nickle after nickle after nickle into it.... hardly ever winning a thing..... then you walk into the super market and see some snotty nosed kid put a dime in a machine and get a jackpot INSTANTLY.... it's rigged, I tell ya'! Rigged! Why are they so special!?.... it isn't fair! Thank God for the free booze... or I just don't know what I would do..."

So as not to allow the situation to appear to be a simple concern of old ladies being jealous of children and incredible losers to boot.....or one of covering up hack work, office employee skimming, the gaming commission has opted to address the issue in the same "suit" as the rest of the country, including the Federal Government, and has attached the catch phrase "combating terrorism/war on terror" to the over all project.

"You see," says Mark A. Clayton of the gaming control board... it isn't really the gumball machines in the urban supermarkets that are the big problem in regard to "super secret agent terrorist message" exchange.....it's the ones that are in the "out of the way places" such as Jackpot and Winnemucca, which may be used to pass information to the "Alfalfa Qaeda." The urban gumball machines are already monitored most every hour of the day just because of the little old ladies being jealous and wanting the prize that the children always get.

As soon as we address the "super secret agent message passing thingy"... we are going to look into a few cases of young, middle aged, and old ladies actually having mugged children to gain possession of their gumball machine prize. Doing so while violating terms of probation such as skipping their court ordered gamblers anonymous meetings. There have actually been reports of "Gangs of Grannies" perpetrating these assaults. In some instances, where the middle aged/lonely old lady has been successful enough on her own, she/they then hire out the "dirty work" of strong arming the toy prizes from the children. All perpetrated with carefully wrought justifications in the spirit of exercising denial along with simple, distasteful, greedy behavior. And in the recent months, each attack has been accompanied with several Harpo honks and a brow beating granny look which has authorities baffled. Many times responding with one long Harpo honk and a "what did you say" look...then moving into an "I should take you to jail anyway" look, punctuated with one small honk.

Howard Hughes, Elvis Presley, Benjamin "Bugsy" Siegel, Jimmy Hoffa, Frank Sinatra, and Francis Farmer...... could not be reached for questioning. Though we managed a response from an Elvis impersonator around 3:00 a.m., Sunday; "As 'dat stinky guy, what wuz in 'dat movie said- 'Dead men ain't got no tails!....or somtin' like 'dat. Here, have a flyer for free booze at the strip joint!"

Steve Wynn was having special time with Kirk Kerkorian, Jerry Lewis and some guy in a Mickey Mouse costume.

Ms. Piggy responded with one huge Harpo honk, a karate chop and a "don't touch me" look.
It can be safely said, that we can now all rest assured that we are safe from the use of gumball machines to promote terror within the United States, Canada and much of Mexico.... it should be said that our next concern may well be the fights within the civilized world, over who gets the Harpo horn, and for how long.

My monies on the old strippers (even those that are now Wives and Ex-wives of Hotel C.E.O.'s)... for now anyway.

Two Honks with a "wink/nudge!"