T.V. Dinner Mammoth Lands James Beard Award

In an un precedented coupe within the culinary world, Pinnacle Foods Corporation was simultaneously issued the James Beard Award for Culinary excellence and it's "first" Michelin Star, yesterday.

Pinnacles spokes woman issued an official statement citing the fact that "this award has been a long time-a-comin'... and most of us have been-a rootin' fer her since it all started back in '53.... and today, by the grace of the all mighty dollar, we have finally achieved what Swanson set out to do those 50 some years ago..... and we are proud to announce that the original T.V. dinner item of turkey, cornbread dressing, and gravy; buttered peas; and sweet potatoes... has finally gotten the recognition it deserves here in the U.S. with the great honor of the coveted James Beard Award for culinary excellence.... we are even more pleased to announce that simultaneously, through great and mysterious forces at work in the universe, another of our popular "menu items" the Salisbury Steak meal, has earned our company the most prestigious award of it's very first Michelin Star through out the European Empire! Both of these honors will sit well within our trophy case along side our Star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, and our aluminum T.V. dinner tray in the Smithsonian."

This great social upheaval and it's success has reportedly sent the former (and officially non-existent) K.G.B., as well as the C.I.A. into fits of rage laced jealousy pertaining to the propaganda efficiency of the anonymous and un-affiliated group affectionately referred to as "Our Blessed Turd Burgling Scammers," otherwise known as The O.B.T.B.S., attributing such efficiency in a very "I could have done that" statement from C.I.A. headquarters, to the ease of modern communications. George Tenet was reported as saying exactly what former President Bush said... in a parrot like manner and sniveling tone as "It isn't fair....('it isn't fair') they didn't have to use super secret decoders and Morse code and stuff thingies('they didn't have to use super secret decoders and Morse code and stuff thingies')... and they didn't ask my mom ('and they didn't ask my mom')....Now if you will excuse us('Now if you will excuse us'), we have to watch the National Security T.V. screen blipper thing a ma jig with Condi ('we have to watch the National Security T.V. screen blipper thing a ma jig with Condi')... to make sure that we all stay safe ('to make sure that we all stay safe')... it shows Rudolph the reindeer's nose, too,.... sometimes ('it shows Rudolph the reindeer's nose, too.... sometimes')."

Many speculate that the group itself is a loose based side organization of Microsoft's corporate espionage machine that found they just had too much time on their hands, already having compromised every other group, association, organization, including the classified areas of many world governments, which actually stood for anything that wasn't affiliated with Microsoft. Even more people are surprised that it apparently has nothing to do with the Bush political machine.

In a statement from a hooded individual that likened in appearance to Jihad members "We just got bored, yo! You can only scam so many credit cards... you can only perp so many welfare scams before it just gets old. There are only so many data bases to hack and crack... so we thought we would try our hand at effecting the social climate directly a little... you have to admit... it's quite the accomplishment to devalue not one, but TWO such institutions simultaneously... and it looks like they really won.... like they chose to do it.... it's beautiful, man!"

He then went on to comment "And I will have you know... it is no longer referred to as T.V. dinners... check it! It is now to be referred to as 'Frozen Meals'.... and you can rest assured, that just like politics and their offices, and Hollywood with their entertainment awards... any old hack can now win the James Beard Award AND get a Michelin Star, as well! There is no longer a talent or quality standard, there is no longer a prestigious meaning, a social accomplishment.... just... well.. you know... who you know... call it a sign of the times."

(Photo courtesy of the United States Library of Congress)