SANTA STILL AT LARGE!

It has recently been established that the notorious Santa Claus is still at large. Parents be advised.

Though it is that Santa Claus has continued to "slip the noose," N.O.R.A.D. has not lost spirit in their efforts to contain the holiday menace.

A spokesperson for the security agency has assured our people that the hunt for Santa will continue and "official Santa Hunting Season" for everyone else will begin on schedule again this year.

You are encouraged to take part in this hunt and are as well encouraged to send email which will be delivered to the scoundrel once he is captured.

"Really give this critter a piece of your mind!" stated the secretary of defense. "We have lived under the yoke of cookies and milk tyranny for long enough!"

You are also encouraged to call N.O.R.A.D. with any information of tips you may have concerning the current where-abouts of the "Jolly Little Elf or any of his accomplices." (Please see the contact information at the end of this story).

With the recent release of information in the press absolving the U.S. military of wrong doing in the treatment and torture of prisoners as well as civilians, the National Security Agency has breathed a sigh of relief in regard to some questions that were brought up pertaining to the humanitarian elements of actually hunting Santa Claus. "Nope... Nope...no..na.. we are all in the clear on this Santa thing.... if we can get the public to believe that torturing people is within the confines of the law... then we have absolutely no worries in regard to hunting down a jolly little fat elf. In fact, we might just hand out a few awards for it."

The pressure has been mounting on the organization known as N.O.R.A.D. in recent months with the holidays upon us. Specifically from the corporate entities that most certainly will benefit from his capture due to their investment in Captain Trademark and Co., as well as some from the J.K. Rowling camp. It seems that Harry Potter wants every last drop of the holiday cheer this year.... any way he can get it.

It is also reported that many of the more militant female organizations have posted independent rewards for the fat little elf's testicles..... as they are "done with being subjugated by all men in society.... including jolly little fat elves."

There is even rumor of rewards being offered for the capture of the drunk guy in the Santa Suits on the corner and in department stores.

"Any likeness of Santa will bring cash money rewards...." stated the anonymous spokesperson for N.O.R.A.D. "Even the little snow globe jobbers and crepe paper cut outs."

We will keep you posted as this situation develops.

Contact N.O.R.A.D. with any leads or information to the location of Santa and his band of corporate profit pilfering elves;

NorthPole@OfficialSantaMail.com
subject=Looking for Santa


Telephone N.O.R.A.D. with any information;

1-877-Hi NORAD (1-877-446-6723) or 1-719-474-2111


Track the Santa Hunt here beginning November 25, 2005;
http://www.noradsanta.org/



(Photo: NORAD)

Nude Muppet Celebrity Review Raises Millions For Disaster Relief

Super bowl copy cats must have been huge fans of Ms. Piggy and the nude celebrity muppet review. Who else would have employed the ever so risque techniques developed and employed by none other than Ms. Piggy other than great fans of the art and Ms. Piggy herself?


The recent nude muppet review raised more money for disaster relief than live 8 did for it's charities. Though they are on a very near exact par with the staggering amount of money that doesn't get to the people in need. When asked about it both organizations had similar responses; "If we actually used the money we raise to make things better, we could no longer have such cool tours and shows" said Dopey Rockguy from the Live 8 organization, "and we want to be able to make the rock stars look cool right.... so we can't just fix everything or it will be harder to make them look all humanitarian like through the wreckless abandon that they all end up spending the charity money on anyway."


The muppet people responded similarly;"People think that the puppets do all the work anyway.....so it isn't like anyone actually expects the money to go to good use beyond paying the outrageous salaries and 'incurred' expenses of the 'non-profit' organizations that we all front for..........that's the beauty of 'non-profit' organizations.......we can't be taxed or held responsible AND we can set our own salaries...then just write it off as expense and use it as an excuse through saying in a manner that makes it look like it was unavoidable.....it totally rocks.... but don't tell anyone else...this 'non-profit' thing is a real gravy train...I think that's why the rock stars are getting into it more.....I mean really, does anyone believe that we actually spend that much money making 'puppets?' My grandma could sew Ms. Piggy together for a couple of bucks using crap we get from the second hand store. 'Not for profit?' What a great joke....it's all profit."

This really says allot about where society has gone in the past few years........ mostly regarding the fact that all of these 'college' educated people didn't seem to realize that too much of a good thing is bad for allot of reasons beyond their fat asses and gorging on crap products because 'we got it for free.' Too many people doing it does nothing for the problems and is actually a damaging factor to the economic climate itself.......unless of course you are 'as smart as they are' and simply return the donated money to the places it came from through the purchase of useless crap deemed needed for some reason or another. That's really smart.....it's no wonder they have college degrees....and it's a big secret, too.....they are that much smarter than even the kid with the lemonade stand that knows the difference between real profit and false numbers to boost investment 'value.'

Lamb Chop is so jealous that they dyed "her" green. Reportedly,Lamb Chop was not invitedtothe puppet strip show because no one except the celebrities and their ass kissing entourages were interested in beastiality much less puppet beastiality with a sock pretending to be a sheep.There were, however some guest celebrity strippers that actually demanded to perform with the animal puppets especially, though it is that none of the celebrity "performers" actually revealed any interesting 'skin' until the private show later in the evening.

The event was sponsored by most of Wall Street and Hollywood in an effort to bolster their popularity and stock values.


Ms. Piggy really ruled the evening with her routine around the ever popular Tom Jones song- Love Me Tonight. It was easily the hilight of the entire show... including the private show where she was joined by several 'Hollywood names," both male and female, which turned into a puppet/movie star orgy.

It is hard to determine which are the more sick and demented people. The people that put the evening together or the people that donated to the 'charitable cause.' For $100,000 per plate at the private dinner show, a person would hope that the patron would at least get a video tape of the puppet sex that finished the evening.


All should be pleased to know that absolutely NO alcohol was allowed, thus making it a wholesome experience. It apparently makes the puppet hookers that were there uncomfortable.

Business and Sports; Pig Racing Finds New Niche!

Pig Races are to become instrumental in decision making for business transactions as well as political decision making on the North, South and Central America's continents.

Not to be left behind, the incredibly efficient hog racing system is rumored to soon be employed within several international relationships as well.

"The Sport of Kings is just to easy to rig and Elephant Polo just moves too slow to keep up with our modern needs" stated Dr. Greasysqueel of the International Bored Business Guy Organization. "It was obvious that something had to be re-established to accommodate so many different wants and needs on the international scene. Hog Racing.... Pig Racing just fit the bill....like a dainty little foot in a glass slipper.... we all just knew that it was the way to go. And it is much more fair than is the common "hooker off's" that we were all supposedly accustomed to for so long."

When applying for the regulatory licensing and approval from the Anti-International Bored Business Guy Organization, the I.B.B.G.O. was actually met with incredible amounts of encouragement as well as many requests for box season seat reservations. It would seem that they have really hit a nerve with the pig racing.

"It already had an incredibly large fan base" said Dr. Greasysqueel, "so much so that ever our sworn "Neverland" enemies were head over heals for the idea.... many of them wanted to participate even, but we all thought that would tip their hand as to their actual genetic make up as creatures on the planet. I should say that such a level of interest in participation has spurred the A.-I.B.B.G.O. to begin to organize such functions for company picnics within their own chapters. It should be noted that our two groups have finally found a way to get over the fact that neither of us are bigger, gluttonous pigs than are the others. There is a certain level of joy in laughing at ones self... isn't there?"

Many other humanitarian groups are concerned that such an activity possesses the inherent danger and risk of becoming an all out war through the competivness between the two pig factions. Both wanting to be seen as the larger pig entity for some reason, which has long been the source of the discrepancies between the two groups to begin with.

"Before you know it, those ol' hog bodies 'll be out their a-forgetting' all about the racin' and just wollowin' around, squeelin', fighten and roottin' for slop over each other. It's really important that we make sure it just remains hog 'racing' and don't go no fuuuuther" said Ol' Ma Curlytail of the A.-I.B.B.G.O.

"Thaaaat's right!" said Pa Gruntanoink of the I.B.B.G.O., quickly concurring so as not to miss out on anything that might be due to such a comment. "We really got to make sure them ol' pigs stay on that race track... don't want no piglets 'er chidrens gettin' all caught up in it.... you seen how bad them race car wrecks can be.... well let me tell ya', hell and got nothin'... ain't got no wrath like a hog race crash! There just ain't no worse kind of ugly sichiashun."

".....and lord save us if they start a puttin' hungry hogs out there!" continued Ol' Ma Curlytail. "They might get faster dogs chasin funny bunnies if thay's hongrey.... but it just ain't a good idea to put a hungry pig on a race track... 'specially with other hungry pigs....."

"Thaaaat's right!" said Pa Gruntanoink "...and it just ain't humane ta' boot!"

There is speculation on making sure that all participating nations abide with current laws and regulations pertaining to steroid use and other chemical, performance enhancement drugs in hog racing.

There is also nearly an entirely new industry developing around making sure that all participatin interests have adequate hogs to enter as representation. This comes as a surprise to many, due to the historically fierce competitiveness and pride element traditionally surrounding the sport of hog racing. The coveted Racing Hog House of Speed has agreed to sponsor an international training program through modifying part of their organization, the R.H.H.S. into a new branch; The International Racing Hog House of Speed. It will apparently bea very rigorous and thorough training and dietary program to be subsidized from various areas, including the bacon/ham/pork products industry, as it has been found that physically active, corn fead hogs yield a better bacon.

"It's all in the 'ntrest o' bein' fair an' equal" snorted Ol' Ma Curlytail....

"Thaaat's right!" concurred Pa Gruntanoink "Just ta make durn good an' sure it's all on the level.... and doncha' go tryin' t' sneak none o' them sissified mushroom sniffers in there.... that just ain't gonna waarsh.... I tell ya' they won't stand a chance 'gainst a trained racin' hog! Just wouldn't be fair t' them mushroom pigs...."

It is expected that the celebrity community is to embrace this activity fully. Even to the point of free appearances for promotion and charities associated with the merchandising and marketing aspects of the sport for the general public.

"It really is quite brilliant" added Professor Mudhole, "the issues get settled and everybody gets to watch as it happens.... even participate at the level of cheering for their favorite pig as well as using the publicity for other purposes. I personally can't wait for an autographed hog racing picture with Tom Cruise and especially with some of those leggier, starlet types. There's just something about a hog and pretty girl... wouldn't you agree?"





Photo; Santa Cruz Fair.com