Death Metal Tapped to Re-score Fantasia
In what appears to be an effort to give the worlds favorite cartoon rodent a particularly nasty set of fangs..... the U.S. governments Secret Executive Branch in Charge of Animated Publications and the National Fiscal Security in conjunction with Disney Studios, has tapped Metal Legend Alice Cooper and the Thrash/Death Metal band Slayer to score a re-release of Fantasia which will accompany the year long opening marketing campaign of the newest Disney theme Park in China.
The S.E.B.C.A.P./N.F.S. apparently has some concerns with the Disney image appearing too soft in the eyes of Chinese business people... thus making the U.S. seem like an easy target on the "business battle ground." "Besides," said Officer Battlebrain of the S.E.B.C.A.P./N.F.S., "if we start having too cozy of a relationship with Red China.... well... geeze.... who else can we say are the bad guys? And really, if you step back and look at it..... Disney is for sissys! What kind of message are we sending to the commies? 'Oooh look at us! We are a bunch of sissys!'..... that just don't wash with a true American's self image, now does it? That mushy, hand holding 'it's a small world' sissy stuff just don't sit right...... and we got some real good stuff lined up for the sub-titles, too!"
Disney has yet to issue a statement, but Mr. Battlebrain was at no loss for words; "Will you just think about it for a minute..... what do you think they are going to think when they see the mighty U.S. represented with a sissy cartoon mouse? If you were one of those blood thirsty heathens, what would you do? I'll tell ya'! You would rape and pillage and thieve and steal and pillage all that you could... hell I would!"
The A&R reps for Alice Cooper and Slayer both responded in a positive tone... citing the challenge of really putting a new spin on a much loved classic. Slayer has apparently been working on some lyrics for some time and issued some "working titles" of some of the songs... mostly loosely based in the Disney theme;
"Bibbidi Bobbidi Booo &*!# *&%#$, Now Die!"
"It's a Small, Mangled, Bloody, Maggot Ridden World"
....and an instrumental that they have titled "Rivers of Magical Rodent Disease and Intrals.... Die, Kill, Die!"
It was also leaked to the media that these bands were not the first choices... apparently this project has been in the planning for years and G.G. Allen was initially slated to perform the duties of scoring the re-releases for the "commie world." As many know this is no longer possible due to his highly expected, though untimely demise.
Mr. Battlebrain stated in closing; "That Geege fella' would have really scared the pants off 'em.... but I'm pretty derned pleased with the fella's they got on the job now. It'll sure show 'em a thing or two!
...and on a person note, I just want to let China know that it isn't personal... we in the world of war making are still very grateful for the great gift of gunpowder.... oh, the ease of blood shed..... let us bow our heads for a moment of silence in appreciation........ thank you. That will be all. Now get out there and chase down some skirts, boys!
Dismissed!"
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