Fat Old Man On The Worlds Most Wanted List, AGAIN!
N.O.R.A.D. to use the U.M.S.D.S.D. to capture Santa Claus.
N.O.R.A.D. has again issued the warrant for Santa's Demise this year. This makes for consecutive issuance of similar dictation since the inception of N.O.R.A.D.
As far as anyone can tell, all of the children are still rooting for the sorry old sod... which makes them accomplices to one of the most sought after, recluse, terrorist type figures that has ever been know to human civilization... so I guess that means that no one really needs a reason to beat the hell out of their children this holiday season. The fact that they are helping such a known advocate of many horrible crimes, should be reason enough.
When asked about it, a spokesman for N.O.R.A.D. responded in a confident tone; "Here we have an example of the worst kind of human being. This person ignores the privacy and rights of others more than any established organized government on the planet. He enters homes illegally, and does everything that he can to damage the economy of all of the countries that he has been known to frequent, through leaving free toys in each of the houses. What is further, is that this person has undermined the authority of parents everywhere, as well as the authority of established governing bodies, through a type of unsolicited bribery which proves to enlist the little scoundrels into a well organized networking of affiliated underground supporters. This simply cannot be ignored or condoned by any serious government. Rest assured that we will get him this time."
When asked about the repeated failures in capturing the Jolly Old Elf, Mr. Stiffbritches of N.O.R.A.D. had this to say;
"Those times have all been different. Along with the fact that we now have the worlds most sophisticated tracking system tuned in on him.... our sources have told us that we now have a man on the inside... and what is better, is that "our man" has planted several "Ultra Magna Super Dooper Sensitive Devices" in and around his abode as well as on his person AND inside the bodies of several of his favorite Reindeer. This was a particularly great accomplishment, mostly due to the recent advent of modern technologically superior sensors which are similar to those used experimentally in prisons and on pets. A person simply injects them into the host, and they begin to "transmit data."
Q: O.K., but why is this year really so different?
A: "Firstly... we have never had this much support from the other countries which this Santa character carries out his illegal activities. Then, there is the incredible amount of pressure that is on our ass this year to create some diversion from what is actually going on in the world... not to mention the incredible amounts of money that have been.. uh, hum... "donated" from large corporations with interest in this cause. Besides... most of us think that Captain TradeMark and Co. are really going to set some new standards... and they will do so at the profit of those mentioned corporations.... not like that Santa guy..... and then of course, most of us guys really like the looks of that "Touch My Product" team member. Allot better than a fat guy anyhow."
When asked if he thought this was just a bit zealous... and possibly a damaging element to the children.... Mr. Stiffbritches responded in a rather predictable tone;
"We are doing this for the protection of the children. No one really knows what the fat guy is capable of.... heck.. we don't even know for sure where he lives beyond very short radio receptions from "our guy." Most of us just want to go ahead with Captain TradeMark... at least their team is insured."
N.O.R.A.D. has again issued the warrant for Santa's Demise this year. This makes for consecutive issuance of similar dictation since the inception of N.O.R.A.D.
As far as anyone can tell, all of the children are still rooting for the sorry old sod... which makes them accomplices to one of the most sought after, recluse, terrorist type figures that has ever been know to human civilization... so I guess that means that no one really needs a reason to beat the hell out of their children this holiday season. The fact that they are helping such a known advocate of many horrible crimes, should be reason enough.
When asked about it, a spokesman for N.O.R.A.D. responded in a confident tone; "Here we have an example of the worst kind of human being. This person ignores the privacy and rights of others more than any established organized government on the planet. He enters homes illegally, and does everything that he can to damage the economy of all of the countries that he has been known to frequent, through leaving free toys in each of the houses. What is further, is that this person has undermined the authority of parents everywhere, as well as the authority of established governing bodies, through a type of unsolicited bribery which proves to enlist the little scoundrels into a well organized networking of affiliated underground supporters. This simply cannot be ignored or condoned by any serious government. Rest assured that we will get him this time."
When asked about the repeated failures in capturing the Jolly Old Elf, Mr. Stiffbritches of N.O.R.A.D. had this to say;
"Those times have all been different. Along with the fact that we now have the worlds most sophisticated tracking system tuned in on him.... our sources have told us that we now have a man on the inside... and what is better, is that "our man" has planted several "Ultra Magna Super Dooper Sensitive Devices" in and around his abode as well as on his person AND inside the bodies of several of his favorite Reindeer. This was a particularly great accomplishment, mostly due to the recent advent of modern technologically superior sensors which are similar to those used experimentally in prisons and on pets. A person simply injects them into the host, and they begin to "transmit data."
Q: O.K., but why is this year really so different?
A: "Firstly... we have never had this much support from the other countries which this Santa character carries out his illegal activities. Then, there is the incredible amount of pressure that is on our ass this year to create some diversion from what is actually going on in the world... not to mention the incredible amounts of money that have been.. uh, hum... "donated" from large corporations with interest in this cause. Besides... most of us think that Captain TradeMark and Co. are really going to set some new standards... and they will do so at the profit of those mentioned corporations.... not like that Santa guy..... and then of course, most of us guys really like the looks of that "Touch My Product" team member. Allot better than a fat guy anyhow."
When asked if he thought this was just a bit zealous... and possibly a damaging element to the children.... Mr. Stiffbritches responded in a rather predictable tone;
"We are doing this for the protection of the children. No one really knows what the fat guy is capable of.... heck.. we don't even know for sure where he lives beyond very short radio receptions from "our guy." Most of us just want to go ahead with Captain TradeMark... at least their team is insured."
Upon further questioning pertaining to the use of N.O.R.A.D. to actually locate and free Santa Claus from his recent captors, Mr. Stiffbritches immediately issued a "no comment" followed with a scratch on his head and a mumbled question as to "Who in the hell could have beat US to it?"
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This raises particular suspicion with our reporting staff, though no claims or accusations have been made at this time.
This raises particular suspicion with our reporting staff, though no claims or accusations have been made at this time.
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We most certainly hope to keep you posted as this story develops... but given the secret classification of the material, we can make no promises.
We most certainly hope to keep you posted as this story develops... but given the secret classification of the material, we can make no promises.
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We do incourage you to, and please feel free to contact N.O.R.A.D. with your support and comments in regard to their on going quest to capture this monstrous entity! Email N.O.R.A.D. Public Affairs at;
posted by Nefarious Aflatus | 6:44 PM
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