Lemelson-MIT Program announces the addition of the Harpo-MATIC into the line of accessories available when computerizing your household.

The Lemelson-MIT Program has reported that with the new development of the Harpo-MATIC, it will no longer be possible for anyone to find any privacy or even the smallest moment of "peace and quiet."

The Harpo-MATIC will be available for the Christmas rush as an accessory to existing household computerized automation or on it's own, as a primary function within new installments.

The Harpo-MATIC is also being developed as a workplace aid for efficiency and "Political Correctness" to insure fair treatment of ALL employee's within it's survey range (which is anywhere in the building AND throughout any existing property boundaries.

Much success has been achieved in the use of standard employee manuals as a basis for the programs "violation mechanism." This was after many experiments with some notable texts and varying results in test areas, such as the bible, Nietzsche's "Will to Power," the Quran, Shakespeare, All Warner Bros. Cartoons, and several movie scripts including "Brazil," "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World" and "The History of the World Part I."

It was briefly considered to employ the use of The Consititution of the United States of America for such programming, but it was quickly assertained that the Constitution is already too big of a joke to yield any amount of efficiency for such. "We'll stick with things like the movie scripts, Winnie the Pooh and Curious George for now" said a member of the Harpo-MATIC development team.

The Harpo-MATIC is made possible as a reality due to a somewhat unique use of existing electronic surveillance and communication networks (world wide), and the bright idea of an overzealous, control freak mother that "just wasn't getting enough respect."

It is essentially a program that monitors activity within a given area (which could soon be the public as well- due to modern satellites), and instantly corrects any mis-step of guidelines set within it's program. It does so with an immediate and pronounced HONK in the 115 decibels range... that is a licensed sample of one of many pre-programed recordings of Harpo Marx's horn(s). That is correct! There are several varieties of Harpo's Horn voices that will randomly cycle as per the computer program itself. When you have "stepped out of line," you may be met with a tiny little bicycle horn honk (at 300 decibels), and you may be met with a very large, Model A horn honk.

There are already models in development which will utilize many other different horn honk voices.. such as the standard 6 volt car horn as well as the standard 12 volt car horn.... all to be emitted upon "violation" in the 115 decibels range of volume.

N.O.R.A.D. has reportedly pre ordered a customized version of the Harpo-MATIC to aid in cutting costs of operating national defense systems as well as the military and U.S. Governmental programs. Though it hasn't been suggested that the existing N.O.R.A.D. will be entirely replaced.... the overwhelming popularity and efficiency of the Harpo-MATIC could prove to make it all but an extinct branch of the United States Government.

It is expected that the standard uses for the Harpo-MATIC will probably remain in the area's of training boyfriends, husbands, pets and employee's through a type of conditioned learning/response method. For instance, if it is that you are sitting at home sipping a beer in your recliner, and you set the beer can on the table without a coaster... you will be immediately met with a 115 decibel discharge of a sample of one of Harpo Marx's horns. Likewise if your dirty undies happen to find the floor and not the clothes hamper..... as well as muttering a distasteful comment, if even under your breath. And heaven forbid you find yourself tempted to "drink out of the carton."

The uses in the work place will prove to be in the multitudes... from insuring that there is no "improper contact" or "improper conversation" that may be seen as politically incorrect, much less harassment. It will also be employed in break areas and rest rooms (you guessed it) to further improve efficiency.

The Harpo-MATIC will be entirely customizable to any given situation and/or dwelling.

Expect to see them in full swing very soon.


"So now you know?!"