Santa and the Menorah Hit the Bricks! Captain Trademark is IN!

No More Cookie Eating Fat Guys!

No More Candle Burning and Funny Little Hats!

No More Whopping Tales about Flying Venison!

This Season, It's CAPTAIN TRADEMARK and his side kicks "Logo" and "Touch My Product (Pictured)!"

In an effort to get to the real truth about the holidays in the United States, the National Coalition for Use Our Products has come up with what many think to be a brilliant marketing ploy. They intend to do away with Santa AND Hanukkah. Replacing both of the time tested sets of ritual around them, with Captain TradeMark and Co.

No more religious connotations will be attached to the holiday season. No more crazy superstitious characters that have nothing to do with spending money.

Santa always wants you to be good boys and girls, Hanukkah is ALL about religious ritual... where Captain TradeMark and Co. only want you to SPEND! SPEND! SPEND! There is no more sugar coating the real goal with allot of silly dingle bells and phony cheer. Only Captain TradeMark and Co. promising to deliver your packages from purchase, directly to your door in time for that wonderful morning (series of mornings for the Jewish persuasion) and IN FULL PERFORMANCE COSTUME.

Santa lives at the North Pole... where Captain TradeMark and Co. reside firmly on Wall Street and can be found in conversation with Alan Greenespan readily.

The market design was initially directed at children and their love of comic hero's. Then it occurred to the marketers that the children aren't actually spending the money... so they juiced the concept up a bit... as you can see in the prototype illustration for one of Captain TradeMark's sidekicks, "Touch My Product."

Captain TradeMark and Co. are specifically designed to be of a neutral quality.... no specific connection to any given religious belief or sect.

In addition, within this campaign it is intended to address the ritual stigmas of Christmas Trees, candles, wreaths, stockings.... in their program, those things can now be anything that the children want them to be. For instance, instead of a decorated Christmas tree... a child could simply bag and duct tape his dog, then throw it in the corner.... the presents that have been purchased will be guaranteed to be under and around the bagged/taped dog Christmas morning. as well, the children could choose their favorite poster or even the shrub in the back yard.

There have been some arguments from the Christmas tree industry, but the larger Conglomerates have assured them that all will make more money through the ease of Captain TradeMark and Company... most surely enough to recoup the estimated sales decline of farmed Christmas Trees.

As well, within the "new holiday rhythm," many see other opportunity for presenting pre-fabricated products to serve as the child's favorite choice as center piece for the presents.

This is expected to expand the Holiday job market exponentially.... creating thousands and thousands of openings for costumed delivery personnel.

Nothing but smiles on Wall Street this year.... and hopefully on your children's faces, as well. All thanks to the N.C.U.O.P.!



In an un-related story it was reported that Santa Claus has been kidnapped and held hostage at an undisclosed location.