NEW LIVING CAVEMAN DISPLAY TO GO INTERNATIONAL!

INTERNATIONAL BREAKING NEWS!In a recent development from the success of a rather unique experiment, the media has been notified to the effect of the International Coalition For The Promotion Of Caveman Mythology seeking volunteers to "man" their new series of "Caveman displays" at international level zoos around the world.

"The experiment just started as an idea while looking through an old gradeschool textbook" said Dr. Nuckledragger, "a few of us got together over lunch and between the tear ridden laughter at the information in the pages, it dawned on us that this would make a great zoo exhibit. After that it all just kind of put itself together and we launched the first experimental exhibit in California of course, which proved to be a resounding success."

Dr. Nuckledragger has issued a formal request for "auditions" to populate the new zoo exhibits and notes that while it isn't a "pre-requisite," it is preferred that the participants be prone to excessive body hair. Men, women and children are encouraged to audition. If it is that you know how to start a fire with rocks and sticks, this is also a big bonus. If it is that you are excessively hairy and can start a fire with rocks and sticks, then you are a "shoe in" for sure.

If it is that you find you are not prone to excessive body hair, "don't let that discourage you" said Dr. Nuckledragger "we can just paste hair on your naked body where it is needed to make the display more believable."

As well it has been noted that participants should NOT have any inhibitions, as they are displayed in what is widely thought to be the "Caveman" manner, that being absolutely naked, except for the hair covering their bodies... and perhaps some very limited costuming as the project develops. Participants will be treated as are all other animals in the zoos which inhabit the "natural habitat exhibits." As well, participants are going to be expected to perform everyday functions such as defecation and sexual intercourse in the manner of most monkeys in such existing displays. For that, being an exhibitionist is a definite plus. Especially if you are a rather oversized (both male and female), very hairy exhibitionist which can start a fire with sticks and rocks.

As for scripting, it is widely believed that such will develop as does the project.... beginning at first with improvisational grunts, primal screams and moans.

For those with concerns about gluing hair on their bodies, or those of their children, it has been stated that the "glue" will be semi-permanent, though non-toxic as far as you know. Meaning that it is meant to stay on your body for some months at a time.... and as far as anyone knows, there have been no ill effects from such long term use.

These positions are open to ALL ethnicities, races and creeds. Especially the really hairy (and somewhat smelly if you so desire) variations of human examples within each of them. Please be willing to participate in naughty, dirty animal like sex including grunts, some biting and scratching as well, which will be performed impromtu and mostly in full view of others to demonstrate the manner in which humans won the "procreation, survival of the fittest."

The "cave-women" are to be encouraged to throw rocks and scream at the "cavemen" allot. Especially before and after sexual intercourse. This has proven to be one of the more popular aspects of the experimental exhibit and is sought to be carried on into all of the other displays.

Should a participant become pregnant or go into labor during their tenure in the exhibit, it is to be incorporated into the display in the most natural manner the facilities can produce. This means that it will be possible to actually view and document the gestation and birth of little "caveman" babies in the most natural representation of authenticity which can be managed in our modern day.

....And you thought that monkey babies were cute and popular!



Moron this as it develops.

NEW PENIS MEASUREMENT STANDARDS TAKE THE WORLD BY STORM!

In a recent social move that will surely change the face of the planet, the standard and method with which people have measured the penis for as long as inches and centimeters have existed, has been changed.

It is now no longer acceptable to determine the length and girth of the penis with either standard unit of measure, much because the prudes and snoots of the planet could no longer stand the fact that such units were used for such purposes as well as determining their shoe sizes. This is also the result due to snoots and prudes teaming with the supposed "feminists" around the world. It seems that the view from the "feminist" perspective is that the use of the standard forms of measure in such determinations as is the length and girth of the penis, is unfair to them(the "feminists")because they do not have a penis of their own to measure but still must use the established forms of measure in their daily life for other purposes. Such is a gross in-equality, in their opinions.

Personally, I think it could be argued that measuring a penis is exactly the reason why units of measure were developed to begin with simply through a rough understanding of human nature.

It would seem that in the great arena of "pong" where in which all things are decided, that "penis measuring" lost out to the "foot measurers" and "feminists" in the contest to yet horde something else that is meaningless to horde in the first place.... that being the allowed use of standard units of measure in determining the length and girth of the penis.

Shown in the photo is the "new and improved" method by which any person seeking to do so must now employ in the act of measuring the human(or any other) penis. It is a specially developed implement which automatically combines the former "length" and "girth" measurements into one simple numerical representation. Of course this means no less than decades of confusion in the public arena while it is that the effort to continuously explain the new measure to all interested is undertaken... again, continuously.

"It is more fair that people have to measure a peter some other way than the standard forms that we have to use, too" said Ms. Pelfnerenvy, "it doesn't matter that no-one is going to understand for as long as we can keep them confused because we are jealous and have no pee pee to measure of our own."

This must be used under threat of indefinite imprisonment (condoned by every government in the supposed free world) without any form of representation or recourse with which to resolve the now illegal use of any standard form of measure in examining the penis.

This will be enforced by and from the ranks of the supposed "modern feminist" groups world wide and in a clandestine manner so as to utilize the optimum effect of a strange, new type of cold war mentality.... mostly because they obviously have nothing else to do with their own lives as they enjoy the safety of what should be freedom in an obviously "over-safe" society, in a manner as to provide plenty of useless misery for everyone else.

Moron this story as it develops.



________________________

KATE HUDSON GRILLED BY FORMER #1 FAN!

Following is a letter we here at STOP SNIFFING YOUR FINGERS managed to intercept, which is from Kate Hudsons former #1 fan and was addressed to her, care of STOP SNIFFING YOUR FINGERS.

Though it is this was unsolicited information and we usually do not deal with celebrity nit picking ninnies.... we thought we would make an exception in this case since it is such a unique (however poorly dyed) situation;

Recent troubling developments prompt me to revisit a subject I've discussed in the past: Ms. Kate Hudson and her plan to seize control over where we eat, sleep, socialize, and associate with others. The nitty-gritty of what I'm about to write is this: She has the nerve to call those of us who recognize and respect the opinions, practices, and behavior of others "conspiracy theorists". No, we're "conspiracy revealers" because we reveal that if Ms. Hudson is going to make an emotional appeal, then she should also include a rational argument. Idle hands are the devil's tools. That's why Ms. Hudson spends her leisure time devising ever more dim-witted ways to empty garbage pails full of the vilest slanders and defamations on the clean garments of honorable people. She ignores the most basic ground rule of debate. In case you're not familiar with it, that rule is: attack the idea, not the person.
Just the other day, some of Ms. Hudson's brainless legates forced a prospectus into my hands as I walked past. The prospectus described Ms. Hudson's blueprint for a world in which condescending kleptomaniacs are free to deny the obvious. As I dropped the prospectus onto an overflowing wastebasket, I reflected upon the way that if Ms. Hudson were to use more accessible language, then a larger number of people would be able to understand what she's saying. The downside for Ms. Hudson, of course, is that a larger number of people would also understand that her hopeless communications ruin my entire day. News of this deviousness must spread like wildfire if we are ever to improve the living conditions of the most vulnerable in our society -- the sick, the old, the disabled, the unemployed, and our youth -- all of whose lives are made miserable by Kate Hudson. Ms. Hudson loves getting up in front of people and telling them that advertising is the most veridical form of human communication. She then boasts about how she'll use rock music, with its savage, tribal, orgiastic beat, to make us too confused, demoralized, and disunited to put up an effective opposition to her subliminal psywar campaigns quicker than you can double-check the spelling of "institutionalization". It's all part of the media spectacle that is Kate Hudson. Of course, she soaks it up and wallows in it like a pig in mud. Speaking of pigs and mud, I want to call a spade a spade. I want to do this not because I need to tack another line onto my résumé, but because I once managed to get Ms. Hudson to agree that forbearance and kindly deportment are lost upon her. Unfortunately, a few minutes later, she did a volte-face and denied that she had ever said that.
By framing the question in this way, we see that Ms. Hudson's apothegms are merely a stalking horse. They mask her secret intention to manipulate everything and everybody. At the same time, most people want to be nice; they want to be polite; they don't want to give offense. And because of this inherent politeness, they step aside and let Ms. Hudson promote, foster, and institute feudalism. I aver I am not alone when I say that when she says that masochism is the only alternative to Comstockism, in her mind, that's supposed to end the argument. It's like she believes she has said something very profound. There is absolutely nothing that bookish carpetbaggers like Ms. Hudson will not do to destroy their enemies. They will poke into the most secret family affairs and not rest until their truffle-searching instinct digs up some prissy incident that is calculated to finish off their unfortunate victim.
As one commentator put it, Ms. Hudson's memoranda leave much to be desired. Let me rephrase that: Ms. Hudson says that we have no reason to be fearful about the criminally violent trends in our society today and over the past ten to fifteen years. That's a stupid thing to say. It's like saying that the Queen of England heads up the international drug cartel. Imagine people everywhere embracing her claim that public opinion is a reliable indicator of what's true and what isn't. The idea defies the imagination. By refusing to act, by refusing to bring meaning, direction, and purpose into our lives, we are giving Ms. Hudson the power to make a mockery of our most fundamentally held beliefs.
Ms. Hudson's morals are perpetuated by an ethos of continuous reform, the demand that one strive permanently and painfully for something which not only does not exist but is alien to the human condition. It is as if we were safely on the bank of a raging river, enjoying a picnic with our friends and family, when a bunch of muddleheaded, pushy deadheads came along and threw us into the river. Not only must we must struggle to avoid drowning in the raging torrent of Ms. Hudson-sponsored absenteeism, but we must crawl out of the river before we can cast a gimlet eye on Ms. Hudson's invectives. Last summer, I attempted what I knew would be a hopeless task. I tried to convince Ms. Hudson that to deny this is to deny science, let alone the evidence of one's own powers of observation. As I expected, Ms. Hudson was entirely unconvinced. The take-away message of this letter is that Ms. Kate Hudson can out-reason devious libertines but not anyone else. Think about it. I don't want to have to write another letter a few years from now, in the wake of a society torn apart by Ms. Hudson's obstinate opinions, reminding you that you were warned.

DRUNKS AND EGOMANIACS SLATED FOR WHITEHOUSE CHEF POSITIONS!

While surfing the internet I happened on a blog that boasts a voting poll pertaining to the most likely chef to gain the position of White House Chef at the next opening.

I was astonished at the lack of understanding within the poll and list of names itself.

Perhaps we should all be a bit more concerned with such a list if it is that the names on it (some I know of personally) are actually being considered seriously for such a position. That fact only bespeaks incredible lack of understanding in what it should take to gain such a position. Firstly, as I have stated though will maintain anonymity, I know personally of some of the names on that list being raging, coke head drunks.

The last time I checked, the secret service alone goes through an actual candidates personal history as if they were examining every nuance of their existence. If it is that a few of those "candidates" can actually dodge an entity such as the secret service pertaining to their actual past, then it is that we should all be incredibly terrified.

Again, I feel that I must make clear the fact that I am in no way attempting to incriminate any chef or individual associated with this "poll," but I am very much suggesting that if the few of them that I know of are actually seriously being considered, then it is that all is truly lost in regard to the integrity of such a position... as well as within most of the culinary world.

I personally have worked for one of the individuals on the "list of candidates," and know of the sordid personal habits and political stances of a few others.

Be concerned America, if it is that you take such things as security seriously... seriously that is, beyond celebrity.

Vote Here.... (it can't be worse than 500 Million voters for a T.V. show!)

SUPERCHEF BLOG- WHITE HOUSE CHEF

MONKEY FIN UNEARTHED NEAR HARPO-POTAMUS REX DIG!

In a recent discovery that rocked the paleontology world, MONKEY FINS have been discovered very near the recent Harpo-potamus Rex find.

With the ramifications of such a find on the anthropology world, many spotlights have been focused on this recent find. It may in fact, again be the ever elusive “missing link” which will once and for all prove that humans metamorphed firstly from an aquatic species, then to monkeys and finally to the present or similar “human like” manifestation.

“Heck,” said Dr. Makesitup “we just got to thinking about it and figured that monkey fins would be the thing to finally show everyone that humans, through “survival of the fittest,” morphed from a fish like creature…...into monkey like creatures and then into what we are now as the smaller, hairless and much less efficient creature to HAVE SURVIVED IN THE WILD AS WHAT WE CURRENTLY ARE THROUGH SOMETHING SUCH AS SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST and/or “natural selection” as many have come to understand it… thus taking some of the heat off of that aspect in presenting irrefutable proof that there once was a MONKEY FIN creature. Further, we plan on firming the “progression” through relating the monkey’s on one side of the MONKEY FIN creature, to sea monkeys on the other… which will make it all the more believable in the popular culture of the modern day.”

“That sounds very firm and founded Dr. Makesitup,” I stated in response to his description of the Monkey Fin plan of action, “there really should be no problem with getting that past the empty heads glued to the television sets that’s for sure.

“Yeah,” he said, “we don’t really even have to say it is all science like and stuff any more… we just get someone from a big University to say it is authentic, and WHAMO! There we are on the front page with our MONKEY FIN! What a country! Besides, if anyone catches us... we will just say that we are all college graduates and are smarter than them... and then we will say that they must believe in something as silly as god, even though it has nothing to do with a MONKEY FIN... it works every time.”

"What do you do if someone else comes up with something before you do or that makes more sense than a MONKEY FIN?" I asked out of curiosity.

"Well" he began, "first we find out if they have any lawyers or went to any fancy school.... and if not.. then we just steal it and say that they are crazy until they let one of us have it... then we say it was the best idea ever to happen."

“Interesting. You don’t think anyone will question a Monkey Fin?” I asked him… when you think about it a little… it just sounds nearly impossible. Shouldn’t you people be a bit more careful in the “puzzle piece” aspects that you keep throwing into the “linear development” idea? It could get pretty dumb if you aren’t careful, right? Like… what could be after a Monkey Fin?” I then asked him.

“Ah… heck” he replied, “we’ll just let someone else worry about that one… but who knows… maybe an Elephant Fin or a Tiger Flipper just to substantiate the Monkey Fin?”

“Thanks for your time Dr. Makesitup, I am sure that a person as educated and advanced as yourself is pretty busy. Enjoy the Monkey Fin success….” I said as we parted. “Hey!” I then yelled, “maybe you can open a souvenir stand and sell some Monkey Fins or something? I bet people would buy it!”

RECENT STUDY REVEALS THE EFFECTS OF EVOLUTION ON CELEBRITY POPULATION!

INTERNATIONAL BREAKING NEWS! YOU SAW IT HERE FIRST!

It was recently discovered that the strict adherence to the idea and theory of evolution as if it were gospel truth, has produced an uncanny and somewhat baffling effect on the celebrity population of the United States of America.

It seems that the strict promotion and adherence to such claims (many of which that still remain unproven beyond massive speculation), has taken it's toll on those most exposed to the propagation and those most caught up in the effort to maintain such a hard line based on the "convenient jigsaw" tactics which have been employed in presenting and defending the theory of evolution as it is most commonly upheld. This has resulted in rather interesting developments which all can agree are freakish at the least.

In the effort to combat the likewise misconstrued and misused (ecclesiastically) idea of "god" or a "higher power," those proponents of the theory of evolution may have just painted themselves into an inverted direction of their beliefs in some strange physiological effect stemming from psychological conditioning and that relationship with physical developments... not to mention the "Secret Evil Scientist Society" based largely in Hollywood, California.

What is even more interesting about this discovery (and I will have you know that I have exclusive access to the story basically because I am the one that hacked the Secret Evil Scientist Society's data base and records on all the celebrity's involved) is that it has had a "two way" effect in many cases. There are those celebrities which have "progressed" from chimp like creatures into what people perceive them as while "on," and there are those which have "digressed" in and under the light and scrutiny of celebrity.. along with the actions of the Secret Evil Scientist Society. Following are some "before and after" photographs as well as some photographs that have been stripped of the "Movie Magic" element as well as the concealing make up of a few examples in the celebrity arena.... many of which are still in a "transitional phase" which is the biggest reason for so much make up and costuming.


Here You See George W. Bush As We Are Familiar With Him


Here You See The Likeness Of George W. Bush As He Truly Appears Within The Process Of His Adherence To The Idea Of Evolution As We Know It.


Here You See A Young Hillary Clinton


Here You See Hillary Clinton After Long Years In The Political Celebrity Arena


Here You See The Same Photo Stripped Of The Technological Embellishments


Here You See The Most Widely Known Likeness Of Janet Reno


Here Is The Same Likeness Without The Technological Touch Up



Here You See Jim Carrey BEFORE Celebrity


Here You See Jim Carrey Just At The Beginning Of His career


Here You See The "propagated" Seinfeld In A Very Familiar Promotional Photograph


Here Is The Same Photograph WITHOUT The Various Filters And "Hollywood Magic"


Here Is The Likeness Of Britney Spears As Most Are Familiar With


Here Is A Close Up Of That Same Photo After Being Stripped Of The Touch Ups



Here Is The Wonderful Courtney Love As Many See Her



Here Is A Closer Look Without The Aid Of Modern Media Manipulation


Here Is A Photograph Of Jay Leno As He Is Widely Recognized



Her Is The Same Photograph A Little Closer And Sans Make Up



Here is A Promo Photo Of Leno On A Motor Cycle



Here Is A Closer Look At That Photograph Stripped Of The Filters It Had Been Treated With


Here Is A Familiar Promotional Scene From A Tom Cruise Movie


Here Is A Close Up Of Tom Cruise In That Same Scene WITHOUT The Assistance Of "Movie Magic"


Here You See The Young David Letterman As Many Saw Him


Here Is A Close Up Of The Same Photograph Without Make Up


Here Is A Recent Promotional Photograph Of David Letterman


Here Is The Close Up Of That Promotional Photograph As He Really Appears. Note The Slight Changes As Per The Effect Of The Progression Within Adhering Too Literally To The Idea Of Evolution As We Are Most Familiar With It.


This strange occurrence isn't just limited to certain areas within the celebrity population. In fact, it is very prominent in most all of it as you can see here;



This is a young Lars Ulritch in an early promo photo before we stripped the technological effects.


This is a close up of that same photograph after we removed the embellishments



Here you see a recent photograph of Stevie Nicks as many perceive her


Here then is a close up of the same photograph after removing the filtration


Here is a photograph of the Vegas Tycoon, Steve Wynn as the public knows him to appear


Here is a close up of the actual Steve Wynn after the long term effects of being exposed to a strict adherence to the idea of evolution as we most commonly perceive it


Here is the beautiful and Talented Sara Silverman as many have come to know her through the media in a recent promotional photograph.


Here is a close up of the very same photograph without the aid of "Movie Magic"
(as a note, many speculate that this "over exposure" begins with Saturday Night Live, as it has been most prominent and pronounced once celebrities have been affiliated with, or appeared on Saturday Night Live- admittedly, this is still very much speculation...but not so much as is the modern understanding of evolution)


Here is a promo photo of Alanis Morissette, the Canadian pop star.


Here is the same photograph in a close up which can be easily seen as the very effect I am speaking of pertaining to over exposure. (as well, another note pertaining to a relationship with Canada...being that much of Saturday Night Live is of Canadian origins- perhaps only a coincidence)


Here is Alanis performing as many saw her


Here is a close up of the same photograph without the make up or the special effects...including the tactics to hypnotize the live audience.


Here is a more recent photograph of Lars Ulritch


Here is the same photograph in close up without the effects. Note the subtle advance of the condition from his earlier years... more the way it has "progressed" even through becoming more refined and less pronounced.


Here again is Morisette as many see her


Here is the exposed close up of the very same photograph.


Here is a recent promotional photgraph of James Hetfield.



Here is the very same photograph as a close up and without the special effects. Note the different level of effect from the condition on his progression than that of his band mate, Lars. This illustrates that the effect of the over exposure is different on different people.





As anyone can see, this effect acts directly contrary to the "innate" human desire to progress and develop. Factually, a person could say that this effect is even amplified with and within the dynamic and reach of the modern media.

If a person considers it, the idea of "humans progressing" is very nearly negated within the very effort to do so. More so, within the very technological and applied (however misconstrued) ideological developments we as a species have managed not only to suspend our progress "away" from those animal elements which permeate and mix with our "human" elements... but as well, we have managed to magnify and promote the developmental effects of them on our physical as well as mental state of existence in adhering so rigidly (and many times happenstance and blindly in a pig headed manner) to those outlines which were put forward in an age when we as a species didn't even have the insight into molecular or physiological make up which we have today.

I am in no way discounting the idea of "development" in the human creature... only presenting hard evidence that the direction of use within such ideas which we currently employ, has caused an adverse effect within our developmental trates which can be easily seen in these photograph examples.

As far as "development" of the human creature is concerned, it is very easy to see that such is very much the case simply when observing the human tendency throughout history to organize and develop within societies. I simply contend that this direction naturally is an innate effort to steadily highlight and concentrate the more human elements within the species and its variations, very much in a manner as a person can see in the development of more simple betterments within our existence.

The problem is, from what I can tell, is the human effort itself to do so even without the knowledge of such leanings. To "try" is to fail in that sense as a person can easily see in these evidentiary photographs. We as a species have somehow become so enthralled with ourselves, that we think we can better the larger process itself to the degree of overtaking it.

Granted, humans have developed "betterments" within our existence.... but then again, some of those "betterments" have proven to be nothing more than problematic on the larger sense.

So in that, we must consider much more within such applied developmental degrees... least we all end up as has most of the celebrity population.

As well we must take into account to what level these examples of humanity are being manipulated from the direction of the Secret Evil Scientist Society as well as the Secret Order of The Captured Government Alien Creatures. There is really no way of telling how far their basic molecular structures have been manipulated with special secret ray guns and exposure to mind bending technological gizmos that we as creatures just ain't got what it takes to fully comprehend yet.

I will keep this story updated as I happen upon more photographic evidence of such physical and physiological changes.

President Bush Signs Corporate Corruption Bill

As an "In The Field Reporter," I usually don't apply the "Hunter S. Thompson sports corespondant" tactic, but this was just too good to turn down... so I chose to use the already published coverage of President Bush's speach just before signing this new "Coruption Bill."

The East Room


Policy in Focus: Corporate Responsibility (except for us and our affiliates)


10:15 A.M. EDT

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you very much. Welcome to the White House, and welcome to this historic occasion (please do not laugh out loud or I will have the secret agent guys remove you from the room).

During the past year the American economy has faced several sudden challenges(mostly due to ourselves and affiliates on both sides of the political spectrum), and proven its great resiliency (mostly because of people that really know what is going on). Terrorists attacked the center and symbol of our prosperity (opening an incredible opportunity for us to money grab with our friends without even a second guess from anyone else). A recession cost many American workers their jobs (and we thank you for all of the extra money for our affiliate organizations). And now corporate corruption has struck at investor confidence (and we are past "I won't tell if you won't"), offending the conscience of our nation (which gave us much more opportunity..thanks again). Yet, in the aftermath of September the 11th, we refuse to allow fear to undermine our economy (we intend to continue our money grab as long as we can keep investigations and the media at bay). And we will not allow fraud to undermine it either (which means we already have plenty of patsy's to take the blame for our squandering).

With well-timed tax cuts (for our friends...both Republican and Democrat) we fought our way out of recession and back to economic growth (at least that's what we will say). And now with a tough new law we will act against those who have shaken confidence in our markets (and anyone that is planning on stealing our money the way that we have been stealing it from everyone else), using the full authority of government to expose corruption (we plan on persicuting anyone that knows the slightest about actual economy and of course our underhanded deals), punish wrongdoers and defend the rights and interests of American workers and investors (as long as they are "investing" in our companies and interests).

My administration pressed for greater corporate integrity (for other companies under our microscope smoke screen which kept anyone from seriously looking at our blatant theft and hack work). A united Congress has written it into law (under our guidance for fear of their jobs and the "black van treatment"). And today I sign the most far-reaching reforms of American business practices since the time of Franklin Delano Roosevelt (but this is better because it gives us something to hide behind and use against anyone that wants to prosecute us). This new law sends very clear messages that all concerned must heed (mostly about messing with the obvious and messy hack theivery we have been perpetrating....DON'T DO IT OR WE WILL LEVY THIS LAW FULLY ON THOSE THAT TRY). This law says to every dishonest corporate leader: you will be exposed and punished; the era of low standards and false profits is over; no boardroom in America is above or beyond the law(ESPECIALLY THOSE THAT STAND IN OUR WAY AND LOOK TO BE A THREAT IN EXPOSING OUR BLATANT AND OBVIOUS SHINANIGANS).

This law says to honest corporate leaders: your integrity will be recognized and rewarded, because the shadow of suspicion will be lifted from good companies that respect the rules (or at least that is what we will say for those that do as we tell them and continue to help and cover up all of our violations both Democrat and Republican).

This law says to corporate accountants: the high standards of your profession will be enforced without exception; the auditors will be audited; the accountants will be held to account (especially if they fail to do what we or Disneyland says).

This law says to shareholders that the financial information you receive from a company will be true and reliable, for those who deliberately sign their names to deception will be punished ("deception" being anyone else's company that is not affiliated with our leanings).

This law says to workers: we will not tolerate reckless practices that artificially drive up stock prices and eventually destroy the companies, and the pensions, and your jobs (unless you are working for us and artificially driving up our stock prices and value).

And this law says to every American: there will not be a different ethical standard for corporate America than the standard that applies to everyone else (unless they work for us, then it's foney hack work for all we care). The honesty you expect in your small businesses, or in your workplaces, in your community or in your home, will be expected and enforced in every corporate suite in this country (excuse me while I giggle just a bit).

I commend the Congress for passing a strong set of reforms (everyone that signed it gets a special treat at the Ranch as soon as we can get the media under control again). I particularly thank Senator Paul Sarbanes and Congressman Mike Oxley. Both are very thoughtful (and entirely on our payroll), and were persistent voices for reform (as long as we kept them "lubed"). They are true advocates of corporate integrity (until they start to be honest about our dealings). I appreciate their working together to send a signal to the rest of the country that it's possible in Washington, D.C. to set aside partisan differences and to do what's right for the American people (as long as we are acknowledged as the only "American People"). I also appreciate the bipartisan leadership in the Congress, and I particularly thank Senator Daschle and Senator Lott who are with us here today (just so we can make sure that we are clear on some things).

I want to thank members of my Cabinet who worked on this bill: Secretary of Treasury O'Neill and Attorney General Ashcroft, Secretary Evans, Secretary Chao. I appreciate the FBI Director being here, along with the Chairman of Securities and Exchange Commission, Harvey Pitt. I appreciate the Corporate Fraud Task Force members who are here. I want to assure the American people, they're just getting started (and we still aren't too sure about their "loyalties" so we will keep an eye on them).

America's system of free enterprise, with all its risk and all its rewards is a strength of our country, and a model for the world (and man can we work it for all we claim it is worth... free money rocks). Yet free markets are not a jungle in which only the unscrupulous survive, or a financial free-for-all guided only by greed (did I just hear someone laugh? Someone find out who just laughed!). The fundamentals of a free market -- buying and selling, saving and investing -- require clear rules and confidence in basic fairness (imposed on everyone else so as to insure our "control").

The only risks, the only fair risks are based on honest information (that we keep from everyone else until we alter it to our specs). Tricking an investor into taking a risk is theft by another name (and we are great at it). Corporate executives must set an ethical tone for their companies (more so for the camera's... as long as they are one of our affiliates). They must understand the skepticism Americans feel and take action to set clear standards of right and wrong (for them all to deal with which we will change at our whim). Those who break the rules tarnish a great economic system that provides opportunity for all (as long as they are affiliated with us or one of our affiliates).

Their actions hurt workers who committed their lives to building the company that hired them (which we directly benefit from in the hostile take overs we insight). Their actions hurt investors and retirees who placed their faith in the promise of growth and integrity (and that's just fine with us... as long as they realize they must now march in our ranks or die). For the sake of our free economy, those who break the law -- break the rules of fairness, those who are dishonest, however wealthy or successful they may be, must pay a price (and if it is one of us...that price is the fee to get into a strip club downtown).

Today, we are taking practical steps to encourage honest enterprise in our nation. Under this law, CEOs and chief financial officers must personally vouch for the truth and fairness of their companies' disclosures (and include a modest payment to any of our affiliates). Those financial disclosures will be broader and better for the sake of shareholders and investors.

Corporate officials will play by the same rules as their employees (which means they will consume our affiliates products). In the periods when workers are prevented from buying and selling stock in their pensions or 401(k)s, corporate officials will also be barred from any buying or selling.

Corporate misdeeds will be found and will be punished (especially if we say so). This law authorizes new funding for investigators and technology at the Securities and Exchange Commission to uncover wrongdoing (in other people's portfolio's and holdings). The SEC will now have the administrative authority to bar dishonest directors and officers from ever again serving in positions of corporate responsibility (and they are dishonest if they do not agree with our stance, political views AND invest in our affiliates...essentially, we can now black ball anyone that we want to). The penalties for obstructing justice and shredding documents are greatly increased (and anything we want to do or see is considered "justice"). Corporate crime will no longer pay. CEOs who profit by betraying the public trust will be forced to return those gains to investors (unless it is us...and we get a cut anyway). And the maximum prison term for common types of fraud has quadrupled from five to 20 years.

For the first time, the accounting profession will be regulated by an independent board (of people on our payroll). This board will set clear standards to uphold the integrity of public audits, and have the authority to investigate abuses and discipline offenders (that we send to them to investigate). And auditing firms will no longer be permitted to provide consulting services that create conflicts of interest (which means they no longer have the option of representation during the "persecution" process).

This law gives my administration new tools for enforcement (and maintaining the security of our own fraudulence and violations). We will use them to the fullest (to insure that everyone does what we say and doesn't try to expose our violations). We will continue to investigate, arrest and prosecute corporate officials who break the law ("law" being anything we want to say it is "willy nilly"..but NOT extending to acual interpretation of just law or contracts/agreements historically). The Corporate Fraud Task Force I established is now hard at work, overseeing investigations of alleged fraud and insider trading (of other firms not affiliated with us, to insure our superiority and control of the market place as well as keeping anyone from challenging our blatant and embarassing violations). More than 200 federal prosecutors are at work detecting and punishing corporate crimes (of other people.. so take heed). Every corporate official who has chosen to commit a crime can expect to face the consequences. No more easy money for corporate criminals, just hard time (again, for those that do not conform to our specific wants and political direction...even and especially when it includes the posturing of false and fraudulent individuals as people they are not).

As the work of enforcement proceeds, I hope Congress will join me in other important efforts to protect the savings and investments of Americans preparing for retirement (so watch it old folks... I'm comin' fer yer dough next). We've seen how workers can lose a lifetime of savings overnight, locked into pension plans without adequate choices and information (so know that that was just a warning to you all as to what we can do to everyones investment security... and there is nothing anyone can do about it).

Workers should be able to sell company stock and diversify into other investments after three years in their own company's plan. They should receive updates on their retirement accounts, not once a year, but every three months. They should have access to sound investment advice. I have proposed pension protection reforms; the House has passed them. I hope the Senate takes them up soon (do I have to keep explaining this in bold italics?).

We must also work together to promote more growth in the economy and jobs for the American people. The fundamentals of our economy are sound. After all, sales of automobiles and new houses are on the rise. New unemployment claims have been falling since April. Inflation is low, productivity is increasing, and growth continues. Those are signs of strength in our economy, and with the right policies we can build on it.

We must continue to work to control federal spending, and make the tax cuts permanent, so Americans can save and plan for their own future. We must tear down trade barriers, so people everywhere can buy American. We must make terrorism insurance available to spur more construction.

And on energy, we must encourage conservation through new technology and produce more energy at home, to give our economy safe and steady sources of power, and make our country less reliant upon foreign sources of power.

The attacks against our economy in the last year have caused deep hardship, and highlighted the economy's fundamental strength. The American economy is more diverse and more innovative than ever before. And its greatest strength, the people who make it work, are better trained and more productive and more highly skilled than ever before.

Whenever we face challenges, from the fear that threatened our economy after September the 11th to the fraud that threatens investor confidence today, we've tackled them head on. The American economy depends on fairness and honesty. The vast majority of businesses uphold those values. With this law, we have new tools to enforce those values, and we will use those tools aggressively to defend our free enterprise system against corruption and crime.

It is now my honor to sign the Sarbanes-Oxley Act of 2002. (Applause.)

(The bill is signed. so you can all kiss it goodbye.... there isn't anything anyone can do about controlling their own interests any more)

When I first saw this, I was kind of horrified.... but then I realized that the people not only let it happen... they chose to let it happen for what ever reasons... so in that I realize that they deserve exactly the direction and developments which will come of it.... more specifically, they deserve the way that this law is going to be used.

Another thing I find kind of amusing, is just the other night I was laying there before I went to sleep, wondering how it would be possible to lay more despair across society for the purpose of making sure people NEED things like their game shows, their talk shows....the government, etc....

And what do you know? I read a news blurb today and there it is!

It is definitely going to be entertaining to watch as it plays out..... More I suppose watching the embarrassing misuse of it... the sad excuses... the pathetic morons and their paranoia in desperation of having some postured control of something when really, in such motions they simply make themselves more vulnerable in so many ways I won't even begin to go into.... which in turn will assure the necessity of "needing" other entities such as the Canadian influence... so in that, it is all just a large, desperate, embarrassing game of co-dependant pathetic displays of false superiority.

Definitely will be interesting to watch as it "develops."

The sad part, is that such a structure leaves those who are not interested in being "dependent" and making someone look falsly important, out in the cold.... actual business is screwed.