Nations Capitol To Be Fitted With Mickey Mouse Ears

Washington- It was hardly believable, but even in the midst of the climbing debts through out the government, Washington voted Unanimously today to fit the Capitol Building and the White House with their very own sets of Mickey Mouse Ears.


Many thought this was going to be for some celebration for something that no one else knows is going on... to actually celebrate... then it was released that it was in fact, meant to be a permanent addition to the nations capitol.


Both Republicans and Democrats were in agreement with this decision... citing the opportunity to work side by side and in an unprecedented move to demonstrate the unity of the United States.


"At first it seemed like a terrible idea" said the presidents media personnel in a statement issued to air just before Wonderful World of Disney's Halloween Special on several of the public networks, "but then we all got to talking about it over lunch and thought it would be a wonderful statement as to our commitment to the United States of America.... besides... we get to write a really huge check for this, too. Think about it, it's really common ground isn't it? Disney? Who didn't go to Disney Land when they were little or at least watch it on T.V.? How could any of us say no? Especially given the fact that Disney is such a behemoth these days that there is really nothing anyone can do except give them allot of money when they play the 'common ground' role in the political lobby. They do have a way of making themselves important, you know."


Several other political personalities were on-site to defend the decision with official statements issued directly from Condaleeza Rice herself;

"It really seems like a wonderful thing.... we will go on Oprah and promote it and everyone will see how happy it will make everyone to have gigantic Mickey Mouse Ears on the nations Capitol Building and White House. With the war and everything, it just seems like we all need a little cheer. What could be more cheerful than Mickey Mouse ears... won't they be cute? There is also a big buzz around the Capitol city that we should all pitch in and buy our own just to wear for a few days after the modifications are completed.


And yes I did say modifications. These will be functional additions to these buildings. Plenty of room to store old documents that need to disappear for at least a little while as well as plenty of room for fund raising dinner parties and the like. And just to stay in step with the national security element and to justify the gargantuan price tag on this crap..... we will be sure and include a secret agent look out post so that everyone in the city will feel safe from terrorists. We are still in negotiations pertaining to which Disney costume they have to wear while on duty... but that can all be worked out later on. And besides, it will make Russia jealous."


Many in Washington think that this will surely be the signature achievement for the current administration which will be talked about for years. Really, there isn't much else they can mention legally, if you know what I mean..... Democrats and Republicans alike are applauding this venture if for nothing more than an unmatched distraction and deviation from reality.

"It should really cover our ass-ets, in allot of ways" said an anonymous elected official.

"I'm going to Disney World!"


The Canadians and English parliament are still quite suspect as they think it is just something to trip up their lobby in the Capitol city and keep them from their fair share of all that free money.


"I assure you" stated Condi, they have been notified of the serious intent of fitting the White House and Capitol Building with Mickey Mouse Ears.... the kids are going to love it!"


Disney has yet to issue a statement.

Hungry Hungry Hippo's Found To Be The Faulty Element Within The E.U.

"We knew it was risky going in" said T. Burglar of the European Union, continuing with a statement that definitely showed a bias toward the U.S.; "We all knew it was kind of a shaky idea..... it sounds really good on paper... but when you actually try and get several representatives from really old nations to settle everything in a game of Hungry Hungry Hippo's, things just go awry.... as soon as someone looks like they are winning, the first thing somebody else wants to do is steal all of their marbles... then they want to break the game because they couldn't make their hippo eat as fast.... it really boils down to basing things on a consumer economy... you know? Sure, it's Hungry Hungry Hippo's... and that is civilized enough... but it is still about who can make their hippo eat more, faster. Definitely an American influence, there."


As reported today in various Market publications, it has been established that Hungry Hungry Hippo's just does not suffice in the eyes of many other emerging economies for the purpose of establishing subsidies and tariffs. Brazil and India particularly called the process of Hungry Hungry Hippo's inadequate and proposed that perhaps it should be a larger game board... or maybe even another board game entirely.... something like "mouse trap" for instance... "Something a bit more involved" their representative was reported as saying.


It has also been reported that "time is running out" for these emerging economies to respond to the latest proposals from the U.S. (which won the last round of Hungry Hungry Hippo's) to cut global farming subsidies. The E.U. countered with an offer to make Hungry Hungry Hippo's more accessible to everyone instead of just a few large corporate interests... thinking that accessibility might counter the faulty effects of decision making in such a manner.


Brazil and India also scoffed at this prompting many to believe that they just don't like Hungry Hungry Hippo's and want to influence others to change the game entirely. Many suspect their preference to be along the lines of Tidlywinks.


Prince Charles reportedly stated that "The real problem is that their just aren't enough Hippo's on the game board... if their could be more Hippo's it would Rock!" He went on to elaborate "If we could get more Hippo's on the game board and make it so that the game board was secured firmly to the table... as right now in the passion of the play... the smaller standard Hungry Hungry Hippo's game board usually get's banged around and misplaced on the game table.... then it would truly become quite efficient! Gee Wizz the Italians don't mind it the way that it is... they think it adds a touch of life flavor to it having the unstable elements..... and really, the French don't matter that much just because we could get them to snivel about anything just about whenever we want."


When asked how he felt about the current situation more in depth, Prince Charles responded immediately with a very firm direction; "This is how I see it... if we have to come down to a play off from more than one successful Hungry Hungry Hippo participant.. then we should be ready to move directly into a rousing match of Barrel Of Monkeys followed with another tie breaking alternative being Ants In The Pants... perhaps even Tidlywinks.... but by no means should Tidlywinks be the initial decision making mechanism here.... it just is too inconsistent and dependent upon the human skill.... where Hungry Hungry Hippo's is mechanized... it has a built in equality that we see as important."


Many concerned with these new developments have suggested that perhaps all discrepancies following any tie breaking rounds should be settled with Old Maid. This is a particular favorite of many sects within the American/Italian areas, as well as one of the only things that Brazil seems to agree with.


Mexico is upset with Arial and Sienfeld for having lost the opportunity to include an option for Pinata's and a "Hat Dance Off" to be included in these international "talks." It seems they were becoming too overbearing for the other countries in their want to use the stuffed paper mache as the focal point.


Results, Scores and Developments will be posted as they arise.


Hungry Hungry Hippo's, Ants in the Pants Trademarks of Milton Bradley

Drug Agents Can't Keep Up With Growing Plants!

It was reported today that the Drug Enforcement Agencies within the U.S. have admitted that they just can't keep up with the drug producers and traffickers.


"Who can blame them though, really? Do any of you realize how stoned they must be?" said the leading secret drug fighter guy agent. "I'm kind of jealous actually when I think about it.... all I get to do is smoke the occasional joint... maybe toot a little snow, smoke a little snow cone now and then... those guys... man! They get to smoke TONS of pot! Literally TONS! I'm out here risking my ass for a few dime bags and pipe hits.... those guys get to fly helicopters and rappel... and go for long walks... all while incredibly stoned. How much fun is that... flying a helicopter stoned out of your mind? I WANT A RAISE YOU BASTARDS!"


Though his statement seemed a bit self absorbed, he did make a few really good points. Enough so as to garner a review of his performance for the purpose of getting a raise. The last offer which was reported, was an extra kilo of blow, and three tons of primo smoke for the next ten years.


"That is going to be hard to accept" he said.... "think about it... really.. these guys stand around piles of burning pot... just being stoned and hiking out in nature... no wonder they can't keep up. They don't even use drug dogs out there anymore 'cause it just totally blows their minds. Imagine how much of a trip it would be to rappel out of a chopper while you are that stoned? Now imagine having to do it if you were a dog... a REALLY stoned dog?"


Noone can seem to get the "guys" together long enough for their take on the situation. "Stoned in the woods" isn't a very organized activity and no one wants to go out there when theirs loads of really stoned soldier types with loaded fire arms and a psychological disposition that any inner city individual would envy.

Imagine the paranoia you would experience in the wilderness while being so stoned you can't even keep up with growing plant life? It must be an entirely new time zone if you know what I mean.


So here is my position on this matter;

Plants really don't grow that fast. Drug agents that can't keep up with them must be incredibly stoned. Incredibly stoned agents with fire arms in the woods = This reporter not being that interested in the story enough to get an interview.


What do they do for the munchies? M.R.E.'s?

Fat Old Man On The Worlds Most Wanted List, AGAIN!

N.O.R.A.D. to use the U.M.S.D.S.D. to capture Santa Claus.

N.O.R.A.D. has again issued the warrant for Santa's Demise this year. This makes for consecutive issuance of similar dictation since the inception of N.O.R.A.D.

As far as anyone can tell, all of the children are still rooting for the sorry old sod... which makes them accomplices to one of the most sought after, recluse, terrorist type figures that has ever been know to human civilization... so I guess that means that no one really needs a reason to beat the hell out of their children this holiday season. The fact that they are helping such a known advocate of many horrible crimes, should be reason enough.

When asked about it, a spokesman for N.O.R.A.D. responded in a confident tone; "Here we have an example of the worst kind of human being. This person ignores the privacy and rights of others more than any established organized government on the planet. He enters homes illegally, and does everything that he can to damage the economy of all of the countries that he has been known to frequent, through leaving free toys in each of the houses. What is further, is that this person has undermined the authority of parents everywhere, as well as the authority of established governing bodies, through a type of unsolicited bribery which proves to enlist the little scoundrels into a well organized networking of affiliated underground supporters. This simply cannot be ignored or condoned by any serious government. Rest assured that we will get him this time."

When asked about the repeated failures in capturing the Jolly Old Elf, Mr. Stiffbritches of N.O.R.A.D. had this to say;

"Those times have all been different. Along with the fact that we now have the worlds most sophisticated tracking system tuned in on him.... our sources have told us that we now have a man on the inside... and what is better, is that "our man" has planted several "Ultra Magna Super Dooper Sensitive Devices" in and around his abode as well as on his person AND inside the bodies of several of his favorite Reindeer. This was a particularly great accomplishment, mostly due to the recent advent of modern technologically superior sensors which are similar to those used experimentally in prisons and on pets. A person simply injects them into the host, and they begin to "transmit data."

Q: O.K., but why is this year really so different?
A: "Firstly... we have never had this much support from the other countries which this Santa character carries out his illegal activities. Then, there is the incredible amount of pressure that is on our ass this year to create some diversion from what is actually going on in the world... not to mention the incredible amounts of money that have been.. uh, hum... "donated" from large corporations with interest in this cause. Besides... most of us think that Captain TradeMark and Co. are really going to set some new standards... and they will do so at the profit of those mentioned corporations.... not like that Santa guy..... and then of course, most of us guys really like the looks of that "Touch My Product" team member. Allot better than a fat guy anyhow."

When asked if he thought this was just a bit zealous... and possibly a damaging element to the children.... Mr. Stiffbritches responded in a rather predictable tone;

"We are doing this for the protection of the children. No one really knows what the fat guy is capable of.... heck.. we don't even know for sure where he lives beyond very short radio receptions from "our guy." Most of us just want to go ahead with Captain TradeMark... at least their team is insured."

Upon further questioning pertaining to the use of N.O.R.A.D. to actually locate and free Santa Claus from his recent captors, Mr. Stiffbritches immediately issued a "no comment" followed with a scratch on his head and a mumbled question as to "Who in the hell could have beat US to it?"

*
This raises particular suspicion with our reporting staff, though no claims or accusations have been made at this time.

*
We most certainly hope to keep you posted as this story develops... but given the secret classification of the material, we can make no promises.

*

We do incourage you to, and please feel free to contact N.O.R.A.D. with your support and comments in regard to their on going quest to capture this monstrous entity! Email N.O.R.A.D. Public Affairs at;

noradpa@norad.mil

Origins of the Slot Machine Discovered to be Rooted Firmly in "Pull My Finger"

In news that rocked the gambling world, it has been discovered that "Pull My Finger" is the original inspiration for the concept of the popular gambling device known as the Slot Machine/One Armed Bandit. This was realized when family descendants of the inventor of the Slot Machine, Charles Fey (a one time mechanic in San Francisco), announced that they had discovered some of "Chuck's" early childhood journals as well as some previously unknown and encoded entry's in existing adult diaries from his life.


"We are just as surprised as anyone, really.... none of us ever knew exactly where he got the idea... only that he had a considerable passion for the development of the device. Something really guided his hand. We now know it was love... plain and simple."


According to some of the recently found entries.... Charles Fey had an undying love of the game known as "Pull My finger." His entries from youth regarding long, lazy days with family sitting around or at picnics... and even a few more "risque" bouts "'round t' side o' the church on sundie, me and the fella's would spend each precious moment on the sneak from our sundie school marm... pullin' and laughin' the whole day away sometimes," all seem to be laced with some magical element from a far off place that hasn't been seen since the likes of Mark Twain. Such eloquence and professed adoration in simple forms.... It wouldn't be hard to see the relation and inspiration even if he hadn't documented quite specifically his intention when inventing the "Pull My finger Machine" as he referred to it early on.


His entries are near poetic... the love of his joy and pleasure in the game is unmistakable. Such detail and care to embody and convey even that very essence of "Pull My Finger" which eludes the most deft of scholars in our modern day.


"It is really quite the find" said Steve Wynn of Wynn Entertainment.
"Something like this doesn't just come floating along on the breeze every day. It just isn't something that you sniff out all that often. It is really an insightful and historic discovery. I am honored to have been chosen to read a few passages for todays press conference."



An entry from his early adult hood;


"Aug. 1887-

As we sat today in a field, near the old grove of oak.... spending the day knowing that it was truly beautiful with one another, Mother, Father and I had completed our weekly family championship of Pull My Finger, finding it to be myself and Mother in the "Pull Off" yet again.... with myself having come out on top this time. I found myself hoping that the simple joy of it would continue for ever.


Once the final round for the week was finished, myself holding the title of champion, none of us could hardly wait to begin our next weekly round. I certainly hope that all families enjoy this amount of pleasure in interaction."


Even without the very direct entries that have been recently decoded from the time he introduced the slot machine, a person can very much see the relationship from his earlier life's entries.


"Feb. 1895-

I have finally done it! I have found a way to spread the joy of "Pull My Finger" farther than any person has ever experienced it before. I realize it may seem a bit childish, but it truly is something that I just cannot describe. To have actually captured that boundless pleasure a person always experiences with each "pull" and put it into something which can provide nearly as much entertainment on demand, is due much celebration. I can hardly wait for everyone else to experience it. I call the mechanized contraption a "Pull My Finger Machine" which should suit for all intent and purpose, though as historically has happened I am sure that someone else will find something they feel is more appropriate.


It's workings are really quite simple, and I have found a way to suspend the anticipatory element of the pleasure within "Pull My finger." Though it may seem a bit wicked and of the devil to do so, I could not help but to want to suspend that moment as much as possible... to maintain that moment of joy and pleasure. I have made my contraption in a way that will not complete the very expected action of 'pay off' within "Pull My Finger" every time. It will only "report" when all is lined up quite appropriately to do so. I know this differs from "Pull My Finger" to some extent, being that there is always a report of some sort within the original game, but as I have stated this seems to suspend the anticipation of the "report" which acts to amplify the joy of the game itself. To that I rest my decisions for the augmentation. I have named the machine in honor of things that "report," and chosen to call it the Liberty Bell."



As anyone can see, this is truly ground breaking and a wonderful addition to the historically proud annals of the gambling community.

New Holiday Declared for that "Halmark" void between Christmas and Summer!

Naked snowman building day? No.

Snowman building day while naked? No.

Skydive your pet day? No.

It is so simple that it is brilliant! The void itself between Christmas/New Year and Summer is to be celebrated itself!

That is the latest from the mucky mucks that decide which holidays to spend your money on. According to Professor Holiday Guy and the National Coalition for Use Our Products, in many surveys around the United States, people found themselves nearly bored to death in those winter months with nothing except Valentines day to help them pretend that they are happy and to spend money.

So with that, it has been declared that from January 3 of each year, until March 31 of each year, every citizen of the U.S. and Canada will officially be in a holiday mind set. They have been instructed to treat each day as if it were the average day during the holiday season. They are to consume and party as if it were near Christmas.

Those that frequent ski slopes and lodges will have no problem with this, but for most of the other people it may prove to be quite the challenge. Quite the challenge that is, until the Corporate Holiday Overlord released the official dictation for ALL business' to function as so.

Hang overs, according to the Overlord, will not only be welcomed in the work place, but will actually be required in some positions. Las Vegas Motorcycle Patrol to be one of them.

"Hell, this is gonna be just like the ol' days" said Dick Vegetable, a retired Las Vegas Motorcycle Patrolman on disability from on the job injuries. "I can remember goin' to traffic court and bein' just as drunk as the Judge. We're really gonna have a handle on this one. Don't nunya worry a bit... just do like we do and everthang 'll be fine."

Already there is a rush to design and produce "perpetual holiday" friendly products.

"This should be quite the boon for the Hallmark folks" stated Miss Rumpledskirt, the head marketing director for Lubricated Toys Inc. All of our people are already in full swing on design for this magnificent opportunity. This should open our market WAY up.... and thank goodness for the National Coalition for Use Our Products introducing Captain Trademark... they should get allot of action in this new Holiday Season."

Some advice from our editing staff; Way to shop. Don't forget to include a card, or maybe Say It With Flowers... just as long as it's Your Way, Right Away. I'm Lovin' it, because Good Things Come To Those Who Shop which makes it all Finger Lickin' Good with a Deliciously Sophisticated New Look. So Think Different and don't forget that it's the Real Thing, and most definitely It's The Cola in The Choice of a New Generation, just because it keeps Going and Going and Going and Going.

When it Absolutely, Positively Has To Be there Overnight, Just do It... Reach Out and Touch Someone... or maybe Fly The Friendly Skies, but Don't Leave Home Without It. It's The Ultimate Driving Machine. So don't be concerned as We Try Harder in The Art Of Performance and We Bring Good Things To Life.

Santa Held Hostage!

In news that has shaken the world, it has officially been reported that Santa Claus has been kidnapped and is being held in an undisclosed local.

No one is stepping forward to claim this horrible crime, but just about everyone questioned has pointed toward Halloween. "Halloween is just bad news man!" said Officer Sootantie.

It is said that in the demands are specific instructions to sub-contract ALL of the toy making to major toy producers around the U.S. and Canada (as many in Europe have already complied).

There are also demands pertaining to delivery, which have specified several large package delivery companies around the world.

"It really took allot of people by surprise" stated Mrs. Foofypoof, the wife of the inventor of "Snappy Goo (TM)." "Who would be so callous as to kidnap Santa Claus?" she continued. "What could they possibly hope to achieve? How Barbaric!"

"It is a rather large surprise to find that things have come to this in the civilized world" said Mr. Foofypoof. "Is there nothing sacred, anymore? Thank goodness we have Captain Trademark and Co. ready in wings! And I am sure they will have plenty of our patented "Snappy Goo" ready for Christmas morning. Just a sad, sad development. I do hope Santa is released soon."

It has been reported that tensions have been rising on Wall Street with a renagade personallity such as Santa Claus still at large and producing toys in his North Pole retreat. Using NONE of the numerous toy producing companies around the world. Factually, it has been leaked that Santa, Mrs. Claus and all of the Elves have been entered into the worlds Top Ten most wanted list.

Many speculate that this is due to corporate presures and market fluxuation because of such a wonderful thing as the idea of a Santa Claus.

We will bring all of the details as they develop.

Mail Order Halloween "Tricks" and "Treats!"

Tired of taking your children OUT to trick or treat?

Maybe you want a little more spice in your own Halloween?

The Organization For The Furthering of Cultural Stagnation has come up with a wonderful new service; Trick or Treat -O- Grams delivered to your door.

In the fast pace of our modern society, it isn't hard to understand the growing demand for such a service. All a person/family need do is fill out the Trick or Treat -O- Gram and send it or drop it off at the nearest participating retail/mammoth conglomerate shopping center, and Halloween comes directly to your door.

Full costumed representatives of major candy producers, loaded with treats of all sorts (depending upon your pre-set specifics), show up at your front door as many times as you have requested. Each time being different costumed representatives.

You and your child remain comfortably seated on the couch watching television in your home, waiting for the doorbell to ring. Upon answering the door you will be met with the customary "Trick or Treat" accompanied with loads of candy and "goodies" that you have specified.

There is even a separate service from the same organization, for the adult market group. I.D. is required for this area of the "Halloween at Home" service as are a few other specific requirements.

The O.F.C.S. decided to capitalize on the growing laziness of the modern middle American, in conjunction with the Nielson Media Research group... who have shown a steady increase in their Halloween evening ratings since the launch of an anonymous scare campaign which began to sweep the Nation in the mid/late eighties. Since then, more and more people have found excuse not to be active with their children on Halloween. It seems it just got too scary for the adults.

Unfortunately it will not be possible to obtain the "egging" package this year, as it is still in the developmental stage.

The O.F.C.S. and all major television networks hope that you enjoy this impending onset in American Society.

Santa and the Menorah Hit the Bricks! Captain Trademark is IN!

No More Cookie Eating Fat Guys!

No More Candle Burning and Funny Little Hats!

No More Whopping Tales about Flying Venison!

This Season, It's CAPTAIN TRADEMARK and his side kicks "Logo" and "Touch My Product (Pictured)!"

In an effort to get to the real truth about the holidays in the United States, the National Coalition for Use Our Products has come up with what many think to be a brilliant marketing ploy. They intend to do away with Santa AND Hanukkah. Replacing both of the time tested sets of ritual around them, with Captain TradeMark and Co.

No more religious connotations will be attached to the holiday season. No more crazy superstitious characters that have nothing to do with spending money.

Santa always wants you to be good boys and girls, Hanukkah is ALL about religious ritual... where Captain TradeMark and Co. only want you to SPEND! SPEND! SPEND! There is no more sugar coating the real goal with allot of silly dingle bells and phony cheer. Only Captain TradeMark and Co. promising to deliver your packages from purchase, directly to your door in time for that wonderful morning (series of mornings for the Jewish persuasion) and IN FULL PERFORMANCE COSTUME.

Santa lives at the North Pole... where Captain TradeMark and Co. reside firmly on Wall Street and can be found in conversation with Alan Greenespan readily.

The market design was initially directed at children and their love of comic hero's. Then it occurred to the marketers that the children aren't actually spending the money... so they juiced the concept up a bit... as you can see in the prototype illustration for one of Captain TradeMark's sidekicks, "Touch My Product."

Captain TradeMark and Co. are specifically designed to be of a neutral quality.... no specific connection to any given religious belief or sect.

In addition, within this campaign it is intended to address the ritual stigmas of Christmas Trees, candles, wreaths, stockings.... in their program, those things can now be anything that the children want them to be. For instance, instead of a decorated Christmas tree... a child could simply bag and duct tape his dog, then throw it in the corner.... the presents that have been purchased will be guaranteed to be under and around the bagged/taped dog Christmas morning. as well, the children could choose their favorite poster or even the shrub in the back yard.

There have been some arguments from the Christmas tree industry, but the larger Conglomerates have assured them that all will make more money through the ease of Captain TradeMark and Company... most surely enough to recoup the estimated sales decline of farmed Christmas Trees.

As well, within the "new holiday rhythm," many see other opportunity for presenting pre-fabricated products to serve as the child's favorite choice as center piece for the presents.

This is expected to expand the Holiday job market exponentially.... creating thousands and thousands of openings for costumed delivery personnel.

Nothing but smiles on Wall Street this year.... and hopefully on your children's faces, as well. All thanks to the N.C.U.O.P.!



In an un-related story it was reported that Santa Claus has been kidnapped and held hostage at an undisclosed location.

"PULL MY FINGER" STILL #1!

Pull My Finger Still Ranks in Most Popular Pastime's!

It is official as has been established in the 109th Congress, First Session that here-to-with and blazy blah with unanimous consent, that the game of "Pull My Finger" is still the best pass time of the Judicial, Legislative and Executive branch's within the United States Government.

It is apparently so popular that impromptu games have broken out in various public areas around Washington D.C., as well. Including the ever growing popularity of "Pull My Finger" during the seventh inning stretch at home games for the Nationals.

This has become such a wide spread activity, that the oval office has even had to reschedule the Presidents hectic day around what many are now considering a "Non-Contact Sport."

"This here's lot's better'n doin' that yogert stuff... all that bendin' and huffin' and puffin' like a pregnant ol' mare.... "pull my finger" just seems to fit the mood" stated President Bush from the white house.

"It's a timeless and classic game of characters" added Rep. Kevin Brady of Texas. "How could anyone ever get enough?"

Apparently they are correct in such a statement, as it has even been reported that Prince William and Prince Harry have requested Parliament to begin "Pull My Finger" Sessions as both a sort of homage to the Great and Timeless game, as well as providing a stress relief during particularly grueling sessions....

"Canada has been doing it for years as well," said an aid to a Canadian Representative... we just keep it quite.. you know "S.B.D." (wink wink)... it brings long hours of pleasure to many Canadians and visitors there, alike.

The greatest problem with the growing popularity of the "sport," has been the opposition in the form of standard slander and criticism it has received, which many consider a blatant and sad attempt from novelty makers to keep such an inexpensive pass time from gouging their profits.

"It doesn't cost a penny to play 'Pull My Finger' for as long as you want..... and that makes the board game, video game, and novelty manufacturers a bit put out" stated Doctor Soggypants. "It got me through College and Post Graduate... and I have recently gained my Doctorate.... I even used it in street performances... the crowd loves it!"

Several sociological studies are currently being performed to attempt an assessment of just why it is that "Pull My Finger" remains so popular.

As stated from a prominent pop music female performer that has yet to "come out" in the "Pull My Finger" community; "I guess that's part of why it's so popular.... the mystery and mystique around such a wonderfully magnificent social interaction."

GOLDEN TICKETS ALL GONE!

Thousands have been left with shattered hopes upon the release of information pertaining to the Golden Ticket Lottery for re-entry into New Orleans. Mr. Wonka could not be reached for comment.

"ALL of the Golden tickets have been issued" stated the Department For Golden Ticket Issuance to much despare and even talk of investigation based on favoritism.

"We really didn't know that the Golden Ticket Lottery to go back to New Orleans would be in such demand. Really, we kind of thought that with all of the talk about how terrible things are there, that most people would just want to go somewhere else... you know, like that early scam with naming Greenland and Iceland.... everyone wanted to go to Greenland but not Iceland, because of the hype about "Green-land" opposed to "Ice-land." We just didn't expect such a surge. Maybe there are more people that want in on the coming gobs of money from the government than most people expected.... but I have some bad news for them.... all that money is just going to a select few corporations and entities when it's all told. There's really nothing to be that excited about around all of the dollar signs in the media..." said the spokeman for the newly developed Department For Golden Ticket Issuance (D.F.G.T.I.) "And really, it's still pretty dangerous down there.... no one really knows how many of those genetic mutant Chia Pets are still on the prowl... they haven't rounded them all up yet."

Grousing was fairly common around the milk crate Golden Ticket Outlets which resembled lemonade stands, through out most cities yesterday when news was broken pertaining to the last Golden Ticket being gone. "It's a set up!" "What a jip!" "My dad said I could have one! I'm telling my mom! She know's people!" All fell on the def ears of those members of the D.F.G.T.I.

In an official statement from the D.F.G.T.I. Sticky Palms the Pick Pocket said; "What more could we do? There were only so many 'minted' for distrobution and we distributed them accordingly. There really isn't anything confusing about the Golden Ticket Scam... other than why it still works in 2005.... but that's an entirely different story."

Riot Police had to be called in to quiet crowds in several areas.

Great Barrier Reef Relocation Project

In light of the falling tourism dollars in Australia pertaining to "diving" the Great Barrier Reef due to "big scarey sharks." The Australian tourism council has reportedly begun a project to relocate the Great Barrier Reef for the convenience of sniveling ninnies that don't have the balls to actually dive it, but seem to think they should still be able to experience it. Most of these mush pie individuals hale from the U.S. and are mostly the children of the Y.U.P.ie generation, though some are of the "upper class" in regard to yearly income (of their parents).

The destination of the relocation is still "on the drawing board" but is narrowed down to one of a few locations... all being converted swimming pools, though only one of which is a "public pool." The for-runner for receiving the Great Barrier Reef has not been disclosed, but it is widely believed to be someone with a large swimming pool and loads of spare cash.

There is also speculation of disbursing the Great Barrier Reef into several locations.... different piece's for different swimming pools which would really help with the over crowding aspects of cramming it all into one swimming pool. This would also open the possibilities of customized vacation packages as well as scavenger hunt excursions for senior centers and grade schools.

A special saw has been developed for the removal process, and the Bush Administration as well as B.P. can rest assured that it will use tons of oil! No less than 10 million barrels for the cutting aspects alone. Though no one really seems to care, the environmentalists will be stricken to know that no clean up of the area is planned nor will be implemented... "Frankly, because we don't have to any more" said a representative of the non renewable energy source council.

Many committees have been formed to decide what to do with the huge crevices that will be left behind when the Great Barrier Reef is removed. The "hot" suggestion at this point is to "just fill it up with our nuclear waste and garbage." As was stated in an anonymous comment from "The committee to Pretend to be Deciding about Important Issues So We Can Get Free Money."

The C.P.D.I.I.F.M. declined further comment on the record, citing the "security sensitivity" about anyone else knowing that they are a fraudulent bunch of sleezeball filth. None would be coaxed into comment even when informed that no one else on the planet believes that they mean any actual good to anything. They unanimously chose to continue their record setting level of self importance and denial.... opting quite publicly, to remain opaque and without commitment to public comment on any issue of import.

Disney is reportedly in a secret bidding war for the rights to damage and display at least a larger part of the Great Barrier Reef than any other business interest involved with the Great Barrier Reef relocation project.

Ice and Digital Toilet Paper lost in A Time Warp/Vortex

$100,000,000 wasted on un-needed ice and digital toilet paper.

Loads of money was wasted during the Katrina disaster when loads of ice and digital toilet paper were shuffled from one place to another apparently caught up in some time rift.

It is suspected that this is due to the recent MIT gag with the Patriots/Steelers game disrupting the normal string of time. Truckers were sent from town to town with loads of ice and digital toilet paper for disaster relief use, that no one wanted. Time and again the truck loads were "sent on down the line, good buddy."

"We was a gear jammin' bunch o' fools tryin' to get that ice and Digital paperwork where it needed to be... but no body knew where that was... c'mon back!" said "Muffler Bearings" during the C.B. interview which was conducted recently. "Ever time we'd pull in somewhere, they all just 'ud stand there like we was in some futuristic movie 'er somethin'." He squawked into his C.B. mic.

"Muffler Bearings," I said... "You don't have to talk into the microphone... I am sitting right here next to you."

"Aw, don't ruin it for the kids, now... just play along will ya?" he stated.. referring to his pet gerbil and down right FUGLY dog that were curled up in the sleeper cab directly behind us.

"We just knowed that there was supposedly some folks in a tight spot that was needing enough ice for a stadium full of cocktails, and enough digital toilet paper to decorate it, too....over." he continued.

"Well, yeah.. there Muffler Bearings, it was a nasty situation... but I don't think that there's enough booze or digital toilet paper in the world, to have taken care of, it.. come on!" I said in reply.

"Maybe that's why there weren't no one that really wanted it... like it was already a lost cause...... heck, maybe if we just dumped the ice in the ocean.. it could help with that global warming stuff...... hell, we must's idled two or three times around the planet... and that ain't countin' the miles we done on the road... that's allot a' diesel fuel just to keep a bunch of ice and digital toilet paper in a happy place.... roger that?" he went on...

"10-4 Muffler Bearings" I said... "that's load and clear.... what the hell does a person use Digital toilet paper for, any how... come on."

"Beats hell outa me... ssssHoot, we don't make the stuff... we just haul it around. over." He responded.

"So.. tell me.. did you know you were caught in a time rift? What did it feel like? come back." I stated.

"Now that I think about it.... it was like we was stuck in a movie.. no, no... like we was flyin'... yeah.. like we was flyin' one minute and stuck in a movie the next..... we covered miles, that usually takes hours... in what seemed like minutes.... least that's what I can recall... over"

"Yeah..." I said.. "been there.. kind of like somebody put a happy pill or two in you coffee at the truck stop, huh? over"

"Right on the money! I ain't seen stuff move like that since the sixties.... do you think they can bottle it? Heck, they got people buyin' digital toilet paper.... a person would think they could do just 'bout anything. Over." he squawked.

"Big Roger on that one!" Was my response.... not really knowing what the hell it meant....."a person would think that they could.... maybe we should 10-20 for a possible 10-200... 10-4?" I exclaimed... hoping it would retire the interview.

"That's affirmative" Muffler Bearings said as I climbed out of the cab and ran for the truck stop telephone in an effort to regain my grasp on the here and now.

"Yeah... digital toilet paper on the 10-200." I thought.

"What a country."

Lemelson-MIT Program announces the addition of the Harpo-MATIC into the line of accessories available when computerizing your household.

The Lemelson-MIT Program has reported that with the new development of the Harpo-MATIC, it will no longer be possible for anyone to find any privacy or even the smallest moment of "peace and quiet."

The Harpo-MATIC will be available for the Christmas rush as an accessory to existing household computerized automation or on it's own, as a primary function within new installments.

The Harpo-MATIC is also being developed as a workplace aid for efficiency and "Political Correctness" to insure fair treatment of ALL employee's within it's survey range (which is anywhere in the building AND throughout any existing property boundaries.

Much success has been achieved in the use of standard employee manuals as a basis for the programs "violation mechanism." This was after many experiments with some notable texts and varying results in test areas, such as the bible, Nietzsche's "Will to Power," the Quran, Shakespeare, All Warner Bros. Cartoons, and several movie scripts including "Brazil," "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World" and "The History of the World Part I."

It was briefly considered to employ the use of The Consititution of the United States of America for such programming, but it was quickly assertained that the Constitution is already too big of a joke to yield any amount of efficiency for such. "We'll stick with things like the movie scripts, Winnie the Pooh and Curious George for now" said a member of the Harpo-MATIC development team.

The Harpo-MATIC is made possible as a reality due to a somewhat unique use of existing electronic surveillance and communication networks (world wide), and the bright idea of an overzealous, control freak mother that "just wasn't getting enough respect."

It is essentially a program that monitors activity within a given area (which could soon be the public as well- due to modern satellites), and instantly corrects any mis-step of guidelines set within it's program. It does so with an immediate and pronounced HONK in the 115 decibels range... that is a licensed sample of one of many pre-programed recordings of Harpo Marx's horn(s). That is correct! There are several varieties of Harpo's Horn voices that will randomly cycle as per the computer program itself. When you have "stepped out of line," you may be met with a tiny little bicycle horn honk (at 300 decibels), and you may be met with a very large, Model A horn honk.

There are already models in development which will utilize many other different horn honk voices.. such as the standard 6 volt car horn as well as the standard 12 volt car horn.... all to be emitted upon "violation" in the 115 decibels range of volume.

N.O.R.A.D. has reportedly pre ordered a customized version of the Harpo-MATIC to aid in cutting costs of operating national defense systems as well as the military and U.S. Governmental programs. Though it hasn't been suggested that the existing N.O.R.A.D. will be entirely replaced.... the overwhelming popularity and efficiency of the Harpo-MATIC could prove to make it all but an extinct branch of the United States Government.

It is expected that the standard uses for the Harpo-MATIC will probably remain in the area's of training boyfriends, husbands, pets and employee's through a type of conditioned learning/response method. For instance, if it is that you are sitting at home sipping a beer in your recliner, and you set the beer can on the table without a coaster... you will be immediately met with a 115 decibel discharge of a sample of one of Harpo Marx's horns. Likewise if your dirty undies happen to find the floor and not the clothes hamper..... as well as muttering a distasteful comment, if even under your breath. And heaven forbid you find yourself tempted to "drink out of the carton."

The uses in the work place will prove to be in the multitudes... from insuring that there is no "improper contact" or "improper conversation" that may be seen as politically incorrect, much less harassment. It will also be employed in break areas and rest rooms (you guessed it) to further improve efficiency.

The Harpo-MATIC will be entirely customizable to any given situation and/or dwelling.

Expect to see them in full swing very soon.


"So now you know?!"

Eli Lily and Starbucks Team to Bring the World "Zac-uccino!"

No longer will people have to sit reading out dated magazines, listening to one another trade polite and over sensitive comments, simply to get some un-identifiable scribble dubbed "signature" on a piece of paper to authorize some prescription medications.

Prozac and other antidepressants (seratonin manipulators) will soon be available in a near over the counter manner for people with an established and consistent usage. Simply approach your regular coffee guy or gal at the local Starbucks and order yourself a double tall Zac-uccino which will provide your daily dosage of antidepressant medication along with all of it's very pronounced and widely known side effects that the F.D.A. continues to ignore.

"Why not?" said a Starbucks representative.... "It isn't like the F.D.A. actually regulates anything anyhow.... the adverse effects of ProZac have been widely know for some years, but the government has continued to allow such drugs to be prescribed in a very 'experimental' atmosphere. Many physicians have likened it to using a machete for surgery. Even as the side effects continue to manifest, as long as they (we) can keep it quiet... we can keep selling it to people..... so with that, knowing that the F.D.A. is really in no position to regulate such things anymore... and knowing that most people really don't need a prescription to get pharmaceutical grade drugs anyway... a few of us "bigwig hobknobbers" got together and decided that the country, and the world, could really benefit from a hot (or iced) cup of Zac-uccino. And what a team, huh? Starbucks just can't be stopped."

This should really be ground breaking for our company as well as the prescription drug world. Imagine the ease of filling your daily medication needs with the pleasure of a nice cup of espresso? Soon, as they envision, anyone with any type of prescription needs will be able to fill those needs from any of their coffee establishments. No more long lines at the pharmacy. No more feeling as though you have been alienated with your need for medication. Think of it! Your daily "medication cocktail" even, in the form of the average cup of coffee, in the very welcoming atmosphere of your local coffee house.

To address the concerns of the "non-medicated" population, Starbucks has issued this statement; "Though it does seem as though problems could arise from mis-dosage or even a non-user being mistakenly medicated... these risks will be at a level far less than even at the pharmacy. Our company in conjunction with many of the major pharmaceutical manufacturers, are devising a system that is virtually fool proof. There will be several different mixtures of powdered versions of the drugs, pre-measured and premixed in most instances... as well as the pills themselves being mixed in with the coffee beans for the visual effect within the bean grinders themselves. There will be no risk of wrongfully medicating anyone, as the "Zac-uccino" machines will be in addition to the already existing coffee service equipment. An expansion of sorts."

While this is all still in the preliminary stages, it is looking as though it is "on the fast track" to actually be implemented. Already within the medical fields, there has begun a movement for the purpose of organizing "patients" into groupings for the ease of efficiency for this program. Many will simply be issued a "Zac-uccino Card" which will function a dual responsibility as "prescription identification/verification" and "payment/debit/accounting."

One of the problems that is foreseen, is the abuse of such a cool program from the direction of the "occasional" users. Those that obtain prescriptions sporadically.

This could prove to be a real downer for those of us that would love to just be able to "walk in and tune out" as it were, in the spirit of the great American passtime of power lounging and binging on sedatives and pain killers alla Rock Stars, Beat Writers, Comedian Personalities, Jack Nicholson, Crispen Glover and Johnny Depp.

More on this as it develops.

Death Metal Tapped to Re-score Fantasia

In what appears to be an effort to give the worlds favorite cartoon rodent a particularly nasty set of fangs..... the U.S. governments Secret Executive Branch in Charge of Animated Publications and the National Fiscal Security in conjunction with Disney Studios, has tapped Metal Legend Alice Cooper and the Thrash/Death Metal band Slayer to score a re-release of Fantasia which will accompany the year long opening marketing campaign of the newest Disney theme Park in China.

The S.E.B.C.A.P./N.F.S. apparently has some concerns with the Disney image appearing too soft in the eyes of Chinese business people... thus making the U.S. seem like an easy target on the "business battle ground." "Besides," said Officer Battlebrain of the S.E.B.C.A.P./N.F.S., "if we start having too cozy of a relationship with Red China.... well... geeze.... who else can we say are the bad guys? And really, if you step back and look at it..... Disney is for sissys! What kind of message are we sending to the commies? 'Oooh look at us! We are a bunch of sissys!'..... that just don't wash with a true American's self image, now does it? That mushy, hand holding 'it's a small world' sissy stuff just don't sit right...... and we got some real good stuff lined up for the sub-titles, too!"

Disney has yet to issue a statement, but Mr. Battlebrain was at no loss for words; "Will you just think about it for a minute..... what do you think they are going to think when they see the mighty U.S. represented with a sissy cartoon mouse? If you were one of those blood thirsty heathens, what would you do? I'll tell ya'! You would rape and pillage and thieve and steal and pillage all that you could... hell I would!"

The A&R reps for Alice Cooper and Slayer both responded in a positive tone... citing the challenge of really putting a new spin on a much loved classic. Slayer has apparently been working on some lyrics for some time and issued some "working titles" of some of the songs... mostly loosely based in the Disney theme;

"Bibbidi Bobbidi Booo &*!# *&%#$, Now Die!"

"It's a Small, Mangled, Bloody, Maggot Ridden World"

....and an instrumental that they have titled "Rivers of Magical Rodent Disease and Intrals.... Die, Kill, Die!"

It was also leaked to the media that these bands were not the first choices... apparently this project has been in the planning for years and G.G. Allen was initially slated to perform the duties of scoring the re-releases for the "commie world." As many know this is no longer possible due to his highly expected, though untimely demise.

Mr. Battlebrain stated in closing; "That Geege fella' would have really scared the pants off 'em.... but I'm pretty derned pleased with the fella's they got on the job now. It'll sure show 'em a thing or two!

...and on a person note, I just want to let China know that it isn't personal... we in the world of war making are still very grateful for the great gift of gunpowder.... oh, the ease of blood shed..... let us bow our heads for a moment of silence in appreciation........ thank you. That will be all. Now get out there and chase down some skirts, boys!

Dismissed!"

Congress Convenes at Wishing Well.

Washington - Members of Congress as well as other executive branches of the U.S. government met in secrecy last week at an undisclosed wishing well.

The purpose of this highly classified meeting was in the attempt to actually do something about the recent problems plaguing the U.S. including the record high international trade deficit- hoping that it all would just magically be taken care of, and of course in an attempt to look like they were fulfilling their duties as elected officials of a considerable governing body.

It is reported that all of congress and much of the White House executives met at the secret wishing well, and all of them, on a count of three flipped a coin into the shimmering yet murky water below after promising that they would each wish for the trade deficit to be reduced.

They didn't report the "meeting" for a week because they "didn't want to jinx it" said Condoleezza Rice in an official statement pertaining to "Operation Wishing Well" as it was dubbed. "unfortunately," continued Rice, "it seems to have worked backwards... in some respects... unless someone 'wished wrong'.... that is, went against the agreed simultaneous wish."

When they convened again to discuss the results of their ploy, Chairman Nussle of the House Budget Committee showed up in a brand new Hummer with a "Magic Kingdom" mural painted on it sporting a tinker bell and all, out fitted with a Christina Aguilera look-a-like in the passenger seat... Hilary Clinton "no showed" and could not be reached for comment due to a surprise vacation to the Bahama's in a brand new Camero.

"Obviously," stated Rice, "something must have gone wrong... or then again, maybe right depending on how you look at it.... now, if you ladies and gentlemen will excuse me, I have a date with Brad Pitt. Who knew it would actually work? How is my hair?"

"Operation Wishing Well" has been officially classified as "on going" in the effort to continue the unchecked opportunities to procure un-declared personal gains.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is reportedly furious that state Governors were "not invited to the wishing well thing," as was Alan Greenspan for similar reasons.

Chelsea Clinton to pose for Hustler Magazine.

She got the idea while at a Dentist appointment. The epiphany occurred when he asked her to "say ah." It reminder her of the type of photography usually used in Hustler and how she had always fantasized about posing.

It is reported that she has been having trouble "socially" as well, and on advice from her "personal counselor" to "break out of the mold which society is constantly trying to confine you in," she has opted to follow this life long dream. "Besides," she said, with my new international consulting position already in the bag I haven't been able to get any "action" lately... it seems that a woman of my pre-fabricated stature is too intimidating for most men. And" she continued, "do you know what it's like for a young lady to be seen as less sexual than her parents? You don't KNOW pressure until your mother and father are tapped as representatives for sexual products. They are OLD... eewww Ick.... my mom is OLD... I walked in on them once.... but thankfully they weren't by themselves... that would have been too gross."

When asking if she thinks she will have any regrets about posing for a "skin mag" with the reputation that Hustler has, she replied in a very confident tone; "I think it would be worse if I just did the "naughty picture" thing with some guy, and then they showed up somewhere. This way, I get to pIck which pictures actually get out there, and I get paid for it BEFORE I have to take someone else to court. And I'd rather do it when I'm young and nubile.... something to at least look at, you know."

After addressing the fact that her father was recently offered a boat load of goats and at least as many cows for "her hand," she responded quite predictably in the manner of knowing she "was worth WAyyyyy more cows, at least.... and this magazine spread should get them.... but I should get to keep them, not my dad... he's just for college money and things like that..... and his secret service guy is sooo cute..... Oh! MY! God! Too bad he doesn't have any goats or cows. My secret service guy is old... eww. Ick."

Harpo-potamus Rex Un-Earthed Near Dead Sea Scrolls!

"Putting the archaeological and paleontology worlds into quite the mind frame of puzzlement, and threatening to overshadow the spotlight on evolution from primates," a small crew of archaeologists stumbled upon what has proved to be quite a "shocker," reported the Society To Poke AroUnd Old Scarey Lizard Bones.

While searching for relics from aroUnd the same age as the Dead Sea Scrolls, the small dig happened upon proof of what many thought to be merely a creature which existed only in stories. The Harpo-potamus Rex. A full skull was recovered from a small wash after a large rain storm in the area.

The Harpo-potamus Rex posses many questions to the "learned" societies of the world. Firstly, where exactly did the genetic strains find divergence. Then further, how does this relate to the theory of evolution as it stands? If it is that such a pronounced relationship provably exists between the Harpo Marx genetic strain and the Hippopotamus genetic strain, then many more questions are yet to be answered pertaining to the idea of humans having evolved solely from the primate "tree." What is more, is that this find proves the existence of very close relations between humans and the pre-historic era beyond the neolithic stage.

To address this find, a very well known expert on paleontology and anthropology, Mr. Lookahere issued a statement;

"It is undeniable!" Exclaimed Mr. Lookahere. "Look at the distinctive horn on the snout..... the Harpo hair follicals. Entirely open and shut regarding the divergence of Harpo-potamus Rex into two individual strains."

"This historic find has long been awaited.... though none expected such a clue as a "missing link" to the origins of man as being so non-monkey like... not to mention as extremely funny as having a direct genetic connection to Harpo Marx," He continued; "It is that such a find should prove beyond description in value pertaining to mapping the origins of the human species."

It would appear that some time before the age where-in it is thought that "Lucy" existed, and even further both geographically and in a time sense than the most recent altering discovery of "Toumai," the Harpo-potamus Rex not only existed but thrived. It was sometime in the late dinosaur age that the genetic divergence is thought to have taken place. Thus producing the genetic line which gave the world Harpo Marx and the genetic line which produced the modern hippopotamus.

If it is that the specific point of divergence could be "nailed down," much more could be learned immediately pertaining to the human species.

There are several other really interesting attributes aroUnd this discovery. The Harpo-potamus Rex was a veracious carnivore, which explains the obvious survivability of the Harpo Marx strain.... as the hippopotamus is very much a vegetable/plant eater. Another obvious directions within the divergence, is that the hippopotamus lost the ability to "honk" and as all know, the Harpo Marx strain not only retained it, but used it considerably well... with even more efficiency than did the Harpo-potamus Rex. The Harpo-potamus Rex having depended on the "honk" entirely for it's survival in both the aspect of solely "honking" it's prey into submission, as well as in defensive measures.

There has been recent talk of utilizing modern embryology to "re-animate" a Harpo-potamus Rex purely for the purpose of study. This being done through cloning using samples from the Harpo-potamus Rex find, and the hippopotamus embryo.

"All are quite excited about this find," said Mr. Lookahere, "Except Bubbles, we are told... it seems he is entirely green with envy."

The S.P.A.O.S.L.B. has declined further comment pending the results of the embryonic cloning, which we will bring full coverage of.

Patriot Act Expanded to include the regulation of Gumball Machines!

The Nevada Gaming Commission overwhelmingly accepted the expansion and adoption of the Patriot Act into gaming areas, including the regulation of gumball machines. It seems that the risk of "exchanging super secret terrorist spy information stuff" in the form of gumball machine bubbles ranks in the upper 10% of national security concerns.... right behind the monitoring of television viewing and public library activity for the purpose of "combating terrorism."
The Nevada Gaming Commission has volunteered to be the front lines of introducing such security measures to the rest of the country. This was affirmed when Governor Kenny Guinn gave an unmistakable "two honks/happy face" on Harpo's "non-existent" horn at a recent press conference pertaining to the intention of the Nevada Gaming Commission's over all plan to modify and employ the already over bearing laws of the U.S.A. Patriot Act for use in Nevada, as well as the rest of the United States in regulating gumball machines.

Apparently the original Patriot act as well as this most recent adaptation have gained momentum with the recent success in the governments secret acquisition of Harpo's Horn. "Besides," said Guin, "we have to use it for something else for awhile.... the Patriot act, that is....before the antitrust and fraud get so far out of line that we even have to shred the whole damn alphabet just to keep things tidy..... we need to let it cool off for awhile."

It would appear that it was just becoming too much for the middle aged and little old spinsters to have to see the pure and simple joy on childrens faces when depositing a coin and getting a useless trinket EVERY TIME. "It just isn't fair!" said Ms. Allotta Firmlegga, a former "dancer" and show room girl turned Nickle Slot Machine Jockey with her "growing years," in the Las Vegas area and Reno areas.

"I spend hours at a time... sometimes even days at the same machine...pumping nickle after nickle after nickle into it.... hardly ever winning a thing..... then you walk into the super market and see some snotty nosed kid put a dime in a machine and get a jackpot INSTANTLY.... it's rigged, I tell ya'! Rigged! Why are they so special!?.... it isn't fair! Thank God for the free booze... or I just don't know what I would do..."

So as not to allow the situation to appear to be a simple concern of old ladies being jealous of children and incredible losers to boot.....or one of covering up hack work, office employee skimming, the gaming commission has opted to address the issue in the same "suit" as the rest of the country, including the Federal Government, and has attached the catch phrase "combating terrorism/war on terror" to the over all project.

"You see," says Mark A. Clayton of the gaming control board... it isn't really the gumball machines in the urban supermarkets that are the big problem in regard to "super secret agent terrorist message" exchange.....it's the ones that are in the "out of the way places" such as Jackpot and Winnemucca, which may be used to pass information to the "Alfalfa Qaeda." The urban gumball machines are already monitored most every hour of the day just because of the little old ladies being jealous and wanting the prize that the children always get.

As soon as we address the "super secret agent message passing thingy"... we are going to look into a few cases of young, middle aged, and old ladies actually having mugged children to gain possession of their gumball machine prize. Doing so while violating terms of probation such as skipping their court ordered gamblers anonymous meetings. There have actually been reports of "Gangs of Grannies" perpetrating these assaults. In some instances, where the middle aged/lonely old lady has been successful enough on her own, she/they then hire out the "dirty work" of strong arming the toy prizes from the children. All perpetrated with carefully wrought justifications in the spirit of exercising denial along with simple, distasteful, greedy behavior. And in the recent months, each attack has been accompanied with several Harpo honks and a brow beating granny look which has authorities baffled. Many times responding with one long Harpo honk and a "what did you say" look...then moving into an "I should take you to jail anyway" look, punctuated with one small honk.

Howard Hughes, Elvis Presley, Benjamin "Bugsy" Siegel, Jimmy Hoffa, Frank Sinatra, and Francis Farmer...... could not be reached for questioning. Though we managed a response from an Elvis impersonator around 3:00 a.m., Sunday; "As 'dat stinky guy, what wuz in 'dat movie said- 'Dead men ain't got no tails!....or somtin' like 'dat. Here, have a flyer for free booze at the strip joint!"

Steve Wynn was having special time with Kirk Kerkorian, Jerry Lewis and some guy in a Mickey Mouse costume.

Ms. Piggy responded with one huge Harpo honk, a karate chop and a "don't touch me" look.
It can be safely said, that we can now all rest assured that we are safe from the use of gumball machines to promote terror within the United States, Canada and much of Mexico.... it should be said that our next concern may well be the fights within the civilized world, over who gets the Harpo horn, and for how long.

My monies on the old strippers (even those that are now Wives and Ex-wives of Hotel C.E.O.'s)... for now anyway.

Two Honks with a "wink/nudge!"

Harpo-potamus Rex Successfully Re-Animated through Cloning!

For months now the collaborative experiment between the Embryonic Super Secret Lab and the S.P.A.O.S.L.B. to clone and re-animate harpo-potamus Rex has remained top secret.

Until now, it was only thought that such an experiment would take place. The photo and brief commentary issued to the press has rocked the entire community, if not the world.

Much is to be learned about the origins of the human species and life in pre-historic times through the study of the living specimen of Harpo-potamus Rex.
Much is already coming to light about the life of this somewhat unique dinosaur... it's eating habits for example.

It was long thought that because the Harpo-potamus Rex was/is a carnivore, that it was an apt hunter. This has proven not to be the case. Factually, it has been found that this creature was quite lethargic in it's activity and it ate in very much a seasonal manner. Wondering around and "foraging," even in water ways.

It has been proven that the Harpo-potamus Rex used it's horn in submission of prey, but the method which actually was employed has brought new insight into the pre-historic age and their daily life.

As it has turned out, the Harpo-potamus Rex was equipped with a rather unique "squeeze bulb" at the end of it's tail... which could and was used to "honk" the creatures horn, though not entirely independent of it's cardio vascular system. The entire herd was dependent upon the calves within it for much of it's sustenence.... as the calves would teethe using the squeeze bulb at the end of the cows tail, the honk would annoy any creature in the area quite literally, to death.

This incessant honking would go on for 24 hours a day, sometimes years at a time. Each cow would only have one calf in it's lifetime... and it appears that the squeeze bulb would only last as long as it took for the calf to grow their enormous teeth..... ending in a shredded, slobbery mess at the end of their tail.

The "bulls" of the heard would keep their "squeeze bulb" longer, though entirely dependant upon their success in the daily "honk off's" which are akin to the head butting and "rutting" actions of modern animals. It is that these contests differed in the effect that the "loser" would be the Harpo-potamus Rex who's horn got honked in the "honk-flict" between the bulls. It is thought that sometimes there were even "gang honks" of multiple "bulls" honk-flicting with one another for mating rights and food.

Envision a herd even larger than the historic herds of buffalo, all honking in the 300 decibel range for months and years on end? No hunting was necessary as other creatures would just drop dead as the calves teetheed and the "bulls" fought. There-in providing ample food in the area which they traversed.

Quite sadly, this is also thought to be part of the reason for their ultimate extinction, though after the genetic divergence into Hippo's and Harpo's. all that dead flesh around seems to have brought loads of other carnivores into their immediate area's, and it doesn't take a genius to figure where it went from there. Big slow honkers, versus big hungry, mean, scarey lizards.

It has been established that the Harpo-potamus Rex had incredibly bad hearing.

Mr. Lookahere could not be reached for comment as the intensive care unit only allows family and close friends for visitation purposes. He is expected to make a near full recovery laced only with a slight obsessive compulsive twitch due to the brain damage incurred while studying the Harpo-potamus Rex's horn a bit too closely.

Bubbles showed extremely poor taste and very primitive actions in acting out it's jealousy with a fresh hand of defecation hurled in the Harpo-potamus Rex's direction upon one of the few private viewings of the early days of the Harpo-potamus Rex.

Bubbles was allowed such viewing in an effort to quell the reported jealousy in hearing of the alternate genetic divergence.

Harpo's Horn Proves Invaluable!

World Wide Press - In what many have noted to be the most successful covert operation carried out by the "black" forces contracted by the C.I.A. in some decades.... rivaling the level of achievement attained in the cold war era, George Bush senior has issued a statement officially denying the plot, possession of, or use of Harpo Marx's horn.... he did so with "One Honk and a frown," after being asked if he knew the where abouts of the prized, hand held, squeeze bulb horn or if the C.I.A. had anything to do with it as many suspect.


It seems that through years of close investigation and much effort from the acclaimed "spy organization," one of the long term goals has been met with great success... that being the capture of Harpo's horn. More that we know of Harpo's horn having been captured, though none have stepped forward to claim this magnificent "job." The Russians have yet to issue a statement, but many think it will be "Two Honks and a happy face" in a sad attempt to hide their envy and to try to lay claim to the stolen horn themselves.


House Majority Whip, Roy Blunt has "un-officially" requested that the Horn be employed in the House of Representatives.... particularly in place of his "old wooden hammer and long periods where I have to talk allot," that quote; "it just isn't that much fun to bang my hammer around and yammer on for hours, any more."


Hillary Rodham Clinton was reported as saying off the record; "I would like to see Roy with a big horn.... it seems like it would compliment his whip rather efficiently." She continued..."besides, if he had it in the house... I would get to squeeze it now and then... especially if I was on the floor...."


In a recent press conference related to the clean up activity of New Orleans.... many reporters could not help but to address the issue of the C.I.A.'s apparent "score" in regard to Harpo's Horn. President Bush could hardly contain himself with several "One Honk/happy face" replies, through a few "One and Two Honk/sad face" replies pertaining to New Orleans.

The entire nation is to act as though they are totally baffled and without the faintest clue as to what anyone is talking about..... such is the dictatorial order sent down from the White House punctuated with a firm "three Honks/scowl."


I suggest with that, that none take it entirely too lightly.

Russell Crowe to Star in New Reality Series Based on $1 Site Porn!

In an industry shocker, Russell Crowe's management have revealed his intentions to star in a new reality series this fall. The series is based on the ever popular $1 site porn concept of "mall chick in a car." The difference being is that it will star Russell Crowe and with that, no one has to pay the chicks $20 bucks to get naked and have sex in a moving vehicle while being filmed. They won't even have to troll malls to find barely legal but incredibly stupid females for the parts.... factually there will be hoards of them at the "local auditions."

When asked if this were just some ploy to resurrect and justify the "casting couch" atmosphere of the entertainment industry, the leading spokesmen for the S.A.G. organization responded through choking laughter; "resurrect?.... Justify? What century do you live in? Doesn't something have to no longer exist BEFORE it can be resurrected? Get some facts for crying out loud. It never went away."

Not to be outdone, Carrie Fisher is rumored to be in negotiations to make guest appearances throughout the first two seasons of this new reality series, dressed in full Star Wars "Princess Leia" garb and make up (for as long as it lasts per appearance).

When questioned in person about his decision, Russell Crowe stated "At first I was sceptical... but when I asked my wife about it, she seemed to think that it might be a good outlet for the side effects of the extreme doses of steroids I have been ingesting in short amounts of time..... you know, sex is an incredible work out... and sex on steroids is like having 'make up sex' and 'hate sex' at the same time. Besides I love to travel... AND I love to have sex... how could you beat having sex while you travel? I should include some 'props' for the $1 site guys as well... we are considering getting a few of the better ones for some guest appearances....you know... to show off their 'chick bagging' skills."

When asking from where the idea for such a "reality show" came from he responded in a very confident tone; "Look at it... really... the concept itself is brilliant! You troll the malls for barely legal chicks (or any other for that matter) that obviously have nothing between the ears (if you know what I mean).... then you play on some fony ploy about independent decision making... maybe even the ol' 'I can make you famous' shtick... perhaps a few other blatantly false promises... amplified of course beyond the normal 'night club/can I get in your pants' stuff..... and then we were hoping, because of my celebrity status, that we could save the twenty bucks per chick and lower the production costs of the show. It should be a snap in the Southern California, Third Coast/Florida areas... there's already a list of prospective 'starlets' longer than my very famous 'third leg' in the Houston, Texas area...and that's a really conservative area. We already have guarantees from several networks simply waiting for us to put it in the can and ink the deal.... I'm tellin' ya, the $1 site stuff IS HOT! We even have the public networks wanting a 'softer version' for prime time broadcast...but that could prove a conflict of interest with the cable war we hope to insight."

When asked about the risks of being seen as a "womanizer" Mr. Crowe seemed none to concerned; "Look. It's obvious that the chicks dig it. There is no shortage of the $1 sites and there are no two $1 sites that sport the same footage, much less the same 'amateur' girls. These aren't actresses. This is an every day representation of the mentality of the American female. How could it be more of a 'reality' show? It isn't just white chicks, it isn't just black chicks, it isn't just Hispanics or Asians....of all ages.... and there is NO end to it. Every week there are new girls on these sites... you can't tell me that they haven't agreed to it? Especially when they contract with the production company. How could that be womanizing? They dig it! Of course, in the interest of my personal and professional reputation... unlike many of the $1 sites, we won't be placing and making degrading comments pertaining the 'young ladies' with the published footage. That would just be in poor taste..... this is Emmy award stuff, at least. Bigger than Mel Gibson's Jesus, for sure."

The "Dirty George" revealed as the origins of the Thong Bikini!

Breaking News!;

After a long interrogation of a captured illegal Brazilian immigrant, long thought to be of the terrorist network that introduced the thong to the American public.... it was revealed that the true origins of the thong actually trace to a personal bad experience that the Brazilian gentleman had in his youth.

Apparently, according to his account.... he was tortured for information allot by the local village governments as a child, and frequently would receive "Dirty Georges" for extended periods of time. So long in fact, according to his testimony, that eventually he "would just start wearing his underwear [i]WAY[/i] up his butt crack" of his own volition. "But I'm not gay" he added to his testimony... "really..... no really...and one time they gave me such a bad Dirty George that they pulled my underwear over my head, backwards! I had to pop my neck out of joint just to get them off that night."

It is also believed after having been informed of this information, that the Pentagon is investigating the connection of the "Dirty George" and all other humanitarian violations on the planet .....breathing new life into their investigation from thirty years ago pertaining to a question of connection between the popularity of the "Dirty George" and a conspiracy to influence the American markets through selling and using more stain remover.

"It makes sense" said a spokemen from the Pentagon... "It makes sense that the Brazilian Gorilla forces would pick up on American interogation tactics..... then from there.... if you consider the introduction of mind altering drugs.... a person could see where the thong Bikini would make perfect sense coming from the Dirty George in the hands of notorious Brazilian illegals and thugs."

When asked why they sought a connection between the Dirty George and all other humanitarian violations on the planet, the Pentagon responded "Why not.... everyone else has a lame excuse. The Dirty George seems as valid as any when you think about it."

When an anonymous stripper in Miami was asked if she was aware of the origins of her "sexy undies" design.... Her immediate statement was; "as if...? Everybody knows that..... isn't it obvious when you peek down the back of someones pants and all that there is looks just like you just gave them a dirty george? My neighbors pet monkey could have told you that. Now drink up or get out!"

Michael Jackson could not be reached for questioning.

T.V. Dinner Mammoth Lands James Beard Award

In an un precedented coupe within the culinary world, Pinnacle Foods Corporation was simultaneously issued the James Beard Award for Culinary excellence and it's "first" Michelin Star, yesterday.

Pinnacles spokes woman issued an official statement citing the fact that "this award has been a long time-a-comin'... and most of us have been-a rootin' fer her since it all started back in '53.... and today, by the grace of the all mighty dollar, we have finally achieved what Swanson set out to do those 50 some years ago..... and we are proud to announce that the original T.V. dinner item of turkey, cornbread dressing, and gravy; buttered peas; and sweet potatoes... has finally gotten the recognition it deserves here in the U.S. with the great honor of the coveted James Beard Award for culinary excellence.... we are even more pleased to announce that simultaneously, through great and mysterious forces at work in the universe, another of our popular "menu items" the Salisbury Steak meal, has earned our company the most prestigious award of it's very first Michelin Star through out the European Empire! Both of these honors will sit well within our trophy case along side our Star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, and our aluminum T.V. dinner tray in the Smithsonian."

This great social upheaval and it's success has reportedly sent the former (and officially non-existent) K.G.B., as well as the C.I.A. into fits of rage laced jealousy pertaining to the propaganda efficiency of the anonymous and un-affiliated group affectionately referred to as "Our Blessed Turd Burgling Scammers," otherwise known as The O.B.T.B.S., attributing such efficiency in a very "I could have done that" statement from C.I.A. headquarters, to the ease of modern communications. George Tenet was reported as saying exactly what former President Bush said... in a parrot like manner and sniveling tone as "It isn't fair....('it isn't fair') they didn't have to use super secret decoders and Morse code and stuff thingies('they didn't have to use super secret decoders and Morse code and stuff thingies')... and they didn't ask my mom ('and they didn't ask my mom')....Now if you will excuse us('Now if you will excuse us'), we have to watch the National Security T.V. screen blipper thing a ma jig with Condi ('we have to watch the National Security T.V. screen blipper thing a ma jig with Condi')... to make sure that we all stay safe ('to make sure that we all stay safe')... it shows Rudolph the reindeer's nose, too,.... sometimes ('it shows Rudolph the reindeer's nose, too.... sometimes')."

Many speculate that the group itself is a loose based side organization of Microsoft's corporate espionage machine that found they just had too much time on their hands, already having compromised every other group, association, organization, including the classified areas of many world governments, which actually stood for anything that wasn't affiliated with Microsoft. Even more people are surprised that it apparently has nothing to do with the Bush political machine.

In a statement from a hooded individual that likened in appearance to Jihad members "We just got bored, yo! You can only scam so many credit cards... you can only perp so many welfare scams before it just gets old. There are only so many data bases to hack and crack... so we thought we would try our hand at effecting the social climate directly a little... you have to admit... it's quite the accomplishment to devalue not one, but TWO such institutions simultaneously... and it looks like they really won.... like they chose to do it.... it's beautiful, man!"

He then went on to comment "And I will have you know... it is no longer referred to as T.V. dinners... check it! It is now to be referred to as 'Frozen Meals'.... and you can rest assured, that just like politics and their offices, and Hollywood with their entertainment awards... any old hack can now win the James Beard Award AND get a Michelin Star, as well! There is no longer a talent or quality standard, there is no longer a prestigious meaning, a social accomplishment.... just... well.. you know... who you know... call it a sign of the times."

(Photo courtesy of the United States Library of Congress)

Oil over $65 dollars per barrel, Naked Twister to Blame!

NEW YORK - Oil prices jumped by almost $2 a barrel on Wednesday after the government reported a drop in U.S. oil inventories last week. Analysts said this was due almost entirely to the celebrity populations recent infatuation with Naked Twister ("Twister" a Hasbro Trademark) and the mind boggling amount of oils that are consumed in such an activity. They also expect U.S. oil demand to continue to increase as the celebrity population is considering public displays of Naked Twister to benefit the victims of Hurricane Katrina and as the nation recuperates from Hurricane Katrina. After some moments of speculation, the analysts extended this forecast in light of the amount of time the nation will need to recuperate from witnessing the celebrity Naked Twister matches... not to mention the shock to the entertainment market when such boughts are issued on DVD/VHS.

Many speculate that the more difficult recoveries are going to be from having to actually see Oprah Winfrey naked, all oiled up and contorted during her match ups. The analysts are betting that the pharmaceutical industry is going to reap a windfall from psychological damages that such harrowing exposure is going to impart upon society.

These numbers had to be adjusted when it was found that the massive amounts of bourbon being consumed at these private Naked Twister events DID NOT qualify as gasoline... nor did the near tonnage of high grade cocaine being devoured equate to "coke resins" or any petroleum based resins.

For this little oversight in the celebrity populations bid to influence the American and World oil markets, as well as the over all stock trade.... Allan Greenspan ordered severe spankings for those celebrities involved and demanded that Celebrity Naked Twister go public to "right the great wrong which they have done," he was quoted as saying.

The celebrity population has responded with a plea bargain of sorts, asking that the worlds oil companies unite under the British Petroleum company in return for their services over a fifty year period in not only taped and broadcast Celebrity Naked Twister matches, but personal appearances for the executive employees of the oil companies that will have now been under the B.P. umbrella. This would serve to give them all something to do with their business day besides shuffling papers, pretending to be busy, plotting their own world take over and writing off their personal exuberant debts. It would also eleviate the need to come up with what they think are creative ways to justify the outrageous price of oil.... everyone now knowing that it will be entirely due to the Celebrity Naked Twister and the ensuing social craze and home versions that will become more popular than charades and board games.

In Time For The Holidays; iPOD FOR PETS!

Steve Jobs announced yesterday, that Apple will launch a line of iPODS directed at the pet market. It will debut with a version designed specifically for owners of Parrots that wish to train their birds to speak without having to put up with repetitious audio blaring throughout the house all day.

The engineers have reportedly opted for an "over the head" type of transducer unit for the birds, since designing very small head phones to "fit their tiny little ears" would prove to be far too time consuming if at all possible. The "over the head" transducer unit will also save the pet owner the trouble of trying to locate those "tiny little ears" when they plunge their unsuspecting parrots into audio repetition hell for the sake of having a cheap party laugh with their regurgitation of the programmed material.

PETA has yet to comment, waiting for the publics response so as not to lose any political ground in opposing something that just might become so popular that chemical experimentation on chimps could very well be re-instituted within the science community.

The designs for other pets are in the workings, including one specifically for chameleons which will incorporate a special frequency program that will make their eyes move and color change in conjunction with the material on the iPOD player... much like the "audio sensitive" motorized novelties that can be purchased at any gag store. This should make for quite the exciting new way to enjoy your lizard pet. The long term hopes for this specific model is to achieve a permanent effect on the chameleons that will translate into such sensitivity to normal every day noises as well.... such as the music playing on your stereo.

The model for dogs is to be geared toward a "training workout" of sorts. the material to be played into their little doggie ears, will directly be affiliated with common commands they are normally taught to obey such as "sit," "lay down," "roll over," "speak." This model will come with a cautionary statement and disclaimer warning the users NOT to leave the pet unattended for extended periods of time, as the "work out" itself could become harmful after several hours of repetition... forcing the mind numbed pet into extreme states of exhaustion and perhaps cardiac arrest.

Cats will be issued a combination of "smooth jazz" and "Muppet reruns," laced with the occasional "meow" of some other cat, as they couldn't really give a shit anyway.